what the hell did i just read
there are things i want to write about but i'm too upset about them, so instead i will write about shades of milk and honey by mary robinette kowal. it is basically pride and prejudice plus sense and sensibility plus magic.
the first 200ish pages are kind of an inoffensively bland jane austen fanfic. our heroine, jane, is not beautiful, but she's good and kind and talented at various things. her sister, melody, is beautiful, but she's not especially good at anything, and is also whiny and annoying. their mother, mrs ellsworthy, is pretty much mrs bennet. not much else to say. mr ellsworthy is a fairly decent sort of father and much nicer to his silly wife than mr bennet was.
the story goes something like this:
MELODY: oh i love mr dunkirk! *swoon*
JANE: oh i am not beautiful and i will remain a spinster forever *secretly pines for mr dunkirk*
MR DUNKIRK: miss ellsworthy you are very good at glamour and making a house feel pleasant which is what all men want
BETH DUNKIRK: i am mr dunkirk's younger sister and i have a Dark, Tragic Past
JANE: let's be friends!
BETH: okay!
meanwhile, lady fitzcameron's nephew arrives for a visit and she hires a famous glamourist to create an entertainment for her ball.
CAPTAIN LIVINGSTONE: i am handsome and charming!
MELODY: you are handsome and charming! but, mr dunkirk! could i maybe have you both?
MR VINCENT: art is everything. i hate you all. *broods*
LADY FITZCAMERON: no one must know that i am living a lie!
CAPTAIN LIVINGSTON: totally not secretly engaging myself to every female in the place right now.
MELODY: mr dunkirk is SO last week.
MR DUNKIRK: i am so happy you're hanging out so much at my house, jane. i mean with my sister. yes, that's what i mean.
JANE: mr dunkirk is such a good brother. *pines*
MR VINCENT: *broods*
and then some stuff happens and mr vincent stares at jane a lot; we discover beth's Dark, Tragic Past; jane is good and kind and talented; melody is a brat; mr vincent's life is endangered! jane saves him! Secrets Are Revealed and Virtue Is At Stake.
JANE: *still pining*
MELODY AND MRS ELLSWORTH: we want to go to brighton bath!
and then the last 40 pages or so are a great steaming pile of WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?
JANE: oh no, captain livingston is engaged to beth AND melody!
BETH: you bitch, you told my brother, now my heart is broken and i have to claw out your eyes!
MR DUNKIRK: time to kill.
then some truly bizarre scenes on horseback. then A DUEL (with pistols, not swords, alas).
JANE: how about we don't kill anyone today?
MR DUNKIRK: no, i'm pretty set on the killing.
CAPTAIN LIVINGSTON: lies! slander! i'm engaged to my cousin! you're just jealous!
JANE: I'M IN LOVE WITH MR VINCENT. i don't know why because he's been a jerk the whole way through the book except for his journal that he gave me in which he calls me his muse and frankly his obsession is a bit creepy but apparently that's all i needed to fall out of love with a man who seems fairly decent and whose character i actually know!
nobody dies, captain livingston's crimes are revealed for all. jane spends a week in her room. and in the Thrilling Conclusion to the tale:
MR VINCENT: I have given you no reason ... and yet, Miss Ellsworth, I have come here tonight to ask for your hand in marriage. (actual quote from the book)
JANE: yes! inexplicably because, again, at this point i still don't know YOUR REAL NAME or ANYTHING ABOUT YOU, but apparently your artistic merit is enough for me.
and they get married three days later and live happily ever after. BECAUSE MUSE.
so that was $20 i wish i hadn't spent.
--
This entry was originally posted at Dreamwidth. If you feel inclined, comment there.
the first 200ish pages are kind of an inoffensively bland jane austen fanfic. our heroine, jane, is not beautiful, but she's good and kind and talented at various things. her sister, melody, is beautiful, but she's not especially good at anything, and is also whiny and annoying. their mother, mrs ellsworthy, is pretty much mrs bennet. not much else to say. mr ellsworthy is a fairly decent sort of father and much nicer to his silly wife than mr bennet was.
the story goes something like this:
MELODY: oh i love mr dunkirk! *swoon*
JANE: oh i am not beautiful and i will remain a spinster forever *secretly pines for mr dunkirk*
MR DUNKIRK: miss ellsworthy you are very good at glamour and making a house feel pleasant which is what all men want
BETH DUNKIRK: i am mr dunkirk's younger sister and i have a Dark, Tragic Past
JANE: let's be friends!
BETH: okay!
meanwhile, lady fitzcameron's nephew arrives for a visit and she hires a famous glamourist to create an entertainment for her ball.
CAPTAIN LIVINGSTONE: i am handsome and charming!
MELODY: you are handsome and charming! but, mr dunkirk! could i maybe have you both?
MR VINCENT: art is everything. i hate you all. *broods*
LADY FITZCAMERON: no one must know that i am living a lie!
CAPTAIN LIVINGSTON: totally not secretly engaging myself to every female in the place right now.
MELODY: mr dunkirk is SO last week.
MR DUNKIRK: i am so happy you're hanging out so much at my house, jane. i mean with my sister. yes, that's what i mean.
JANE: mr dunkirk is such a good brother. *pines*
MR VINCENT: *broods*
and then some stuff happens and mr vincent stares at jane a lot; we discover beth's Dark, Tragic Past; jane is good and kind and talented; melody is a brat; mr vincent's life is endangered! jane saves him! Secrets Are Revealed and Virtue Is At Stake.
JANE: *still pining*
MELODY AND MRS ELLSWORTH: we want to go to brighton bath!
and then the last 40 pages or so are a great steaming pile of WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?
JANE: oh no, captain livingston is engaged to beth AND melody!
BETH: you bitch, you told my brother, now my heart is broken and i have to claw out your eyes!
MR DUNKIRK: time to kill.
then some truly bizarre scenes on horseback. then A DUEL (with pistols, not swords, alas).
JANE: how about we don't kill anyone today?
MR DUNKIRK: no, i'm pretty set on the killing.
CAPTAIN LIVINGSTON: lies! slander! i'm engaged to my cousin! you're just jealous!
JANE: I'M IN LOVE WITH MR VINCENT. i don't know why because he's been a jerk the whole way through the book except for his journal that he gave me in which he calls me his muse and frankly his obsession is a bit creepy but apparently that's all i needed to fall out of love with a man who seems fairly decent and whose character i actually know!
nobody dies, captain livingston's crimes are revealed for all. jane spends a week in her room. and in the Thrilling Conclusion to the tale:
MR VINCENT: I have given you no reason ... and yet, Miss Ellsworth, I have come here tonight to ask for your hand in marriage. (actual quote from the book)
JANE: yes! inexplicably because, again, at this point i still don't know YOUR REAL NAME or ANYTHING ABOUT YOU, but apparently your artistic merit is enough for me.
and they get married three days later and live happily ever after. BECAUSE MUSE.
so that was $20 i wish i hadn't spent.
--
This entry was originally posted at Dreamwidth. If you feel inclined, comment there.