402
leapfrog |ˈlēpˌfrôg; -ˌfräg|
noun
a game in which players in turn vault with parted legs over the backs of others who are bending down.
verb ( -frogged, -frogging) [ intrans. ]
perform such a vault : they leapfrogged around the courtyard.
• (of a person or group) surpass or overtake another to move into a leading or dominant position : she leapfrogged into a sales position.
• [ trans. ] pass over (a stage or obstacle) : attempts to leapfrog the barriers of class.
the term serves my purposes well enough.
the first time i was leapfrogged was to get to a friend of mine. for whatever reason this person did not want to approach him directly and instead struck up a friendship with me. she commented in my journal, sweetly, flatteringly, and we began talking on IM. thus, i was the bridge spanning from her to him. their friendship deepened and ours dwindled. it was fine until she hurt him. then i wanted to slap the bitch's face. i had thought that being used was bad enough, but i discovered that it's far worse to be used as a means of hurting someone you love.
it probably means that i'm a very bad person, but i have not forgiven her. if i happen to see her livejournal username anywhere i have the sudden urge to smash something. i've been known to become vitriolic at the mention of her name. she continues to try to insinuate herself every now and then with mutual friends, in his journal. i'd like to stab her through the heart. so, some unresolved anger there.
the second time i was leapfrogged was, in fact, a two part event. the first part occurred between six and eight years ago. i don't remember the exact time frame. i met a person on livejournal, we became friends. it was back when i was hosting people on shiver.org and i hosted her site for a time. we fell out of contact. or, rather, she fell out of contact. she journal hopped several times until i simply gave up. we maintained some mutual friends but i didn't hear from or about her for several years.
the second part occurred towards the end of last year when she "found" me again on livejournal. i use quotations because i hadn't, obviously, gone anywhere in order to be lost. i've had the same journal for seven years. she, however, seemed pleased to be reaquainted and so we picked up where we had left off. essentially.
as it turned out she was also an x-files fan and, after reading some of my fic, asked me to beta something she was working on. i accepted and spent a couple of hours reading it and typing up my thoughts. in response she thanked me and said that what i'd written had been helpful and she would send me more when she'd worked on it. a few days later she posted it online without revision. no, i lie, there were one or two things that had been revised. and there was no courtesy beta thank you anywhere to be found.
to say that i was upset would be an understatement. i recall finding judy and blathering on to her for some time. i was upset that i'd expended all that effort on it and in the end been ignored. why, i demanded, if she didn't want my suggestions, did she ask for them in the first place? and then, with the fact that she had taken a couple of my suggestions, why no acknowledgment or thank you? then, of course, in a bitchy turnaround i decided that i didn't want to be associated with the fic anyway. 'cause that's what you do, right? in the end judy calmed me down, as judy does. it was a small thing, really. there was no use in being hurt.
somewhere in all this, too, she had asked me to write her something. and she had joined several of the related communities in xf fandom of which i was a member, and friended several of the people in xf fandom with whom i was friends. had, in fact, become better friends with them. cue the ominous music.
she journal hopped again and i went along despite my reservations. she began posting new pieces of fic, pieces so far removed from the one i had betaed in terms of style and skill that i wouldn't have thought them written by the same person. they were, of course, not betaed by me. by this time communication between us had trickled to her responses to my comments in her journal. it was happening again. and it upset me. it probably didn't help that all this occurred as my brain was falling apart. i probably let it get to me a lot more than i should have.
in the end i created a reading filter on my flist and i took her (and others) off it. some months later i finally found the ovaries to conquer my fear and guilt and do a friends cut. she sent me a message that i didn't read for several days out of crippling fear. when i read it, i got angry. she cited her surprise at being cut given our long history. i responded that our long history consisted mostly of us not knowing each other at all, and that i thought her months-long silence to be indicative of her lack of interest in me as a friend. she has not replied further.
so what does it really come down to? that she has more! and better! fandom friends? that i'm jealous? yes, partly. and also partly that it hurts when someone comes along only to step over you and leave you behind.
woe, i'm not one of the popular girls.
but mostly it simply represents a physical manifestation of what np refers to as my illogical lack of self-esteem. i am leapfrogged because i'm not good enough. not smart enough, not interesting enough, not pretty enough, not talented enough, not pick any adjective you like enough.
the only way i know how to handle the feelings these situations provoke, without resorting to sharp objects, is to withdraw. to do my tortoise act and pull away and pull away until i am hiding in the stacks in the library holding my breath while the boy i'm in love with and who i thought was in love with me tells our friends about the girl he's taking to the homecoming dance who isn't me.
wait, sorry, that was a high school flashback. but you get the idea.
in writing this i am fully aware of the ridiculousness of the situation. don't mind me whilst i mock myself. but it also needs to be said because i keep being reminded of these people who symbolise the hurdles that i jump every day just to try and interact with people. and no matter how many i jump, the next day there are just as many to go. sometimes more.
so when i'm online, the place where i feel most capable of being myself, and i am confronted with these people either as themselves, or as referenced by others, it becomes debilitating after a fashion. i start avoiding places and people. i have to be strict with myself or in a moment of weakness i might look at something simply in order to punish myself. feeling bad? here, look at this and feel worse. because you deserve it. or, at least, you don't deserve anything better.
eleanor roosevelt said that no one can make you feel bad about yourself without your permission. i'm pretty sure i didn't check the box that said 'allow everyone to make you feel like shit' so i think she may have been wrong.
*
some of you may know either or both of the people about whom i've written. there is always more than one side to a story. this just happens to be mine.
noun
a game in which players in turn vault with parted legs over the backs of others who are bending down.
verb ( -frogged, -frogging) [ intrans. ]
perform such a vault : they leapfrogged around the courtyard.
• (of a person or group) surpass or overtake another to move into a leading or dominant position : she leapfrogged into a sales position.
• [ trans. ] pass over (a stage or obstacle) : attempts to leapfrog the barriers of class.
the term serves my purposes well enough.
the first time i was leapfrogged was to get to a friend of mine. for whatever reason this person did not want to approach him directly and instead struck up a friendship with me. she commented in my journal, sweetly, flatteringly, and we began talking on IM. thus, i was the bridge spanning from her to him. their friendship deepened and ours dwindled. it was fine until she hurt him. then i wanted to slap the bitch's face. i had thought that being used was bad enough, but i discovered that it's far worse to be used as a means of hurting someone you love.
it probably means that i'm a very bad person, but i have not forgiven her. if i happen to see her livejournal username anywhere i have the sudden urge to smash something. i've been known to become vitriolic at the mention of her name. she continues to try to insinuate herself every now and then with mutual friends, in his journal. i'd like to stab her through the heart. so, some unresolved anger there.
the second time i was leapfrogged was, in fact, a two part event. the first part occurred between six and eight years ago. i don't remember the exact time frame. i met a person on livejournal, we became friends. it was back when i was hosting people on shiver.org and i hosted her site for a time. we fell out of contact. or, rather, she fell out of contact. she journal hopped several times until i simply gave up. we maintained some mutual friends but i didn't hear from or about her for several years.
the second part occurred towards the end of last year when she "found" me again on livejournal. i use quotations because i hadn't, obviously, gone anywhere in order to be lost. i've had the same journal for seven years. she, however, seemed pleased to be reaquainted and so we picked up where we had left off. essentially.
as it turned out she was also an x-files fan and, after reading some of my fic, asked me to beta something she was working on. i accepted and spent a couple of hours reading it and typing up my thoughts. in response she thanked me and said that what i'd written had been helpful and she would send me more when she'd worked on it. a few days later she posted it online without revision. no, i lie, there were one or two things that had been revised. and there was no courtesy beta thank you anywhere to be found.
to say that i was upset would be an understatement. i recall finding judy and blathering on to her for some time. i was upset that i'd expended all that effort on it and in the end been ignored. why, i demanded, if she didn't want my suggestions, did she ask for them in the first place? and then, with the fact that she had taken a couple of my suggestions, why no acknowledgment or thank you? then, of course, in a bitchy turnaround i decided that i didn't want to be associated with the fic anyway. 'cause that's what you do, right? in the end judy calmed me down, as judy does. it was a small thing, really. there was no use in being hurt.
somewhere in all this, too, she had asked me to write her something. and she had joined several of the related communities in xf fandom of which i was a member, and friended several of the people in xf fandom with whom i was friends. had, in fact, become better friends with them. cue the ominous music.
she journal hopped again and i went along despite my reservations. she began posting new pieces of fic, pieces so far removed from the one i had betaed in terms of style and skill that i wouldn't have thought them written by the same person. they were, of course, not betaed by me. by this time communication between us had trickled to her responses to my comments in her journal. it was happening again. and it upset me. it probably didn't help that all this occurred as my brain was falling apart. i probably let it get to me a lot more than i should have.
in the end i created a reading filter on my flist and i took her (and others) off it. some months later i finally found the ovaries to conquer my fear and guilt and do a friends cut. she sent me a message that i didn't read for several days out of crippling fear. when i read it, i got angry. she cited her surprise at being cut given our long history. i responded that our long history consisted mostly of us not knowing each other at all, and that i thought her months-long silence to be indicative of her lack of interest in me as a friend. she has not replied further.
so what does it really come down to? that she has more! and better! fandom friends? that i'm jealous? yes, partly. and also partly that it hurts when someone comes along only to step over you and leave you behind.
woe, i'm not one of the popular girls.
but mostly it simply represents a physical manifestation of what np refers to as my illogical lack of self-esteem. i am leapfrogged because i'm not good enough. not smart enough, not interesting enough, not pretty enough, not talented enough, not pick any adjective you like enough.
the only way i know how to handle the feelings these situations provoke, without resorting to sharp objects, is to withdraw. to do my tortoise act and pull away and pull away until i am hiding in the stacks in the library holding my breath while the boy i'm in love with and who i thought was in love with me tells our friends about the girl he's taking to the homecoming dance who isn't me.
wait, sorry, that was a high school flashback. but you get the idea.
in writing this i am fully aware of the ridiculousness of the situation. don't mind me whilst i mock myself. but it also needs to be said because i keep being reminded of these people who symbolise the hurdles that i jump every day just to try and interact with people. and no matter how many i jump, the next day there are just as many to go. sometimes more.
so when i'm online, the place where i feel most capable of being myself, and i am confronted with these people either as themselves, or as referenced by others, it becomes debilitating after a fashion. i start avoiding places and people. i have to be strict with myself or in a moment of weakness i might look at something simply in order to punish myself. feeling bad? here, look at this and feel worse. because you deserve it. or, at least, you don't deserve anything better.
eleanor roosevelt said that no one can make you feel bad about yourself without your permission. i'm pretty sure i didn't check the box that said 'allow everyone to make you feel like shit' so i think she may have been wrong.
*
some of you may know either or both of the people about whom i've written. there is always more than one side to a story. this just happens to be mine.