this is troubling....
I had a realization tonight...or rather a reminder of something I already knew but tried so hard to put out of my head.
I am a smart girl. I've done well in school all my life and have been told that I am creative, enthusiastic, and quick to learn. I feel like I'm beginning to grow as an actor, a technition and a writer, though I admit I still need some work, but that's what school and life is for. I am a Junior in college and will be getting to graduate around this time next year. I've made the dean's list three semesters in a row and did fairly well freshman year too, despite the all the drinking I did...but then recovered from thanks to Adrienne. Academically...I am a smart and creative person.
But in professions that involve me utilizing that creativity, professions that I want to make my career in and build my life around there are two things that matter. One I have, I know some things and I am enthusiastic to learn the things that I don't know. But the key is getting the foot in the door. That old mantra..."It's not what you know, it's who you know." And I don't know anyone. I have no connections. And the worst part is that I am totally clueless, cannot find an audition for the life of me, and have no portfolio. My resume aside from the Laramie Project, a few glorified scenery roles, and a wide variety of "helper monkey" tech work includes mostly jobs that involve me saying "Can I help you find something?" and the way I am going I will also be saying either "Are you ready to order?" or "Can I get you another _______" this summer. As for writing, I've never been published or made anybody say "wow" I'm terrified. I don't want to spend another summer jobless or working at the mall five days a week for $5.85. I don't want to end turning a job I hate into my career because I have no other choice, that was my mother's fate...she wanted to go to school and be a paralegal but she got sucked into a job that she hates and has worked there in one facet or another since she was 17. Hell, I've lost jobs at the mall to highschoolers home on summerbreak. What the hell is wrong with me? Am I just dumb? Did I miss some meeting that was held on how to start your career and network?
All those lovely A's and the stuff I have been working on for months aren't going to do me any good what so ever once I am out of school. I've seen how well they've done me already. Work Study gives me an assured job on campus that I work for about 15 hours a week. But off campus I can't find anything. I'm lost on how to utilize my creativity and enthusiasm in the real world. I'd totally dive in with both feet if I even had a remote idea of where the perverbial pool was. I try not to think about it and assure myself that I'm smart enough to figure it out, but I think I am only kidding myself. And the fear of meeting real life with a loud and messy *splat* is what keeps me up at night more than anything else.
I am a smart girl. I've done well in school all my life and have been told that I am creative, enthusiastic, and quick to learn. I feel like I'm beginning to grow as an actor, a technition and a writer, though I admit I still need some work, but that's what school and life is for. I am a Junior in college and will be getting to graduate around this time next year. I've made the dean's list three semesters in a row and did fairly well freshman year too, despite the all the drinking I did...but then recovered from thanks to Adrienne. Academically...I am a smart and creative person.
But in professions that involve me utilizing that creativity, professions that I want to make my career in and build my life around there are two things that matter. One I have, I know some things and I am enthusiastic to learn the things that I don't know. But the key is getting the foot in the door. That old mantra..."It's not what you know, it's who you know." And I don't know anyone. I have no connections. And the worst part is that I am totally clueless, cannot find an audition for the life of me, and have no portfolio. My resume aside from the Laramie Project, a few glorified scenery roles, and a wide variety of "helper monkey" tech work includes mostly jobs that involve me saying "Can I help you find something?" and the way I am going I will also be saying either "Are you ready to order?" or "Can I get you another _______" this summer. As for writing, I've never been published or made anybody say "wow" I'm terrified. I don't want to spend another summer jobless or working at the mall five days a week for $5.85. I don't want to end turning a job I hate into my career because I have no other choice, that was my mother's fate...she wanted to go to school and be a paralegal but she got sucked into a job that she hates and has worked there in one facet or another since she was 17. Hell, I've lost jobs at the mall to highschoolers home on summerbreak. What the hell is wrong with me? Am I just dumb? Did I miss some meeting that was held on how to start your career and network?
All those lovely A's and the stuff I have been working on for months aren't going to do me any good what so ever once I am out of school. I've seen how well they've done me already. Work Study gives me an assured job on campus that I work for about 15 hours a week. But off campus I can't find anything. I'm lost on how to utilize my creativity and enthusiasm in the real world. I'd totally dive in with both feet if I even had a remote idea of where the perverbial pool was. I try not to think about it and assure myself that I'm smart enough to figure it out, but I think I am only kidding myself. And the fear of meeting real life with a loud and messy *splat* is what keeps me up at night more than anything else.