(no subject)
Hello faithful readers, it is I, the omniscient voice of Charlie's LiveJournal. Since he has failed to update within a reasonable time frame, I have decided to tell his story for him. This is part one of a story so magical, and so full of whimsy, that it'd make Brian Froud crap out a wood nymph. It's a story I like to call "What Has Happened In Charlie's Life Since His Last Real Update" *cue chorus crescendo*
The last time we heard from Charlie, was about a year and a half ago, and he had just started working at The Crowne Plaza Resort of Asheville. It was a good job but the pay was horrible. He gained a lot of experience, specifically from his mentor, Rocky Harwood. Rocky was as close as a Father figure as Charlie had ever had since his own Dad had a heart attack and died in a hotel room when he was 46. Rocky was the only thing that kept Charlie at The Crowne Plaza for the eleven months that he worked there, but eventually he had to make a change to pay the bills. Shortly after Charlie left, Rocky decided to have a heart attack and die in a hotel room as well, but he at least had the courtesy to be 48 at the time.
Charlie left the Crowne Plaza for the much more glamorous job of Papa John's Delivery Driver. As he often said, "I went from wearing a suit to work to wearing a hat to work!" What a silly looking bastard he was. Charlie didn't so much mind the work, it was nice spending all day driving around, listening to music, but it was wholly un-fulfilling. Charlie yearned for the days when what he did for a living mattered. When he made a difference, when it was up to him whether or not some rich pricks got the best room in the house for half the rate because they had suffered through the inhumane three minutes that was the new clerk trying to find their reservation. That is the world that Charlie belonged in! Plus, working at Papa Johns had made him fat.
So Charlie started trying to figure out how it was that he would get his life in order. "First" he decided, "I need to rent a movie and drink a few bottles of wine!" Now believe it or not, this is an integral part of Charlie's decision making process. This was step one, and Charlie, just to be thorough, would repeat step one a couple of times a week. Little by little, Charlie realized that what he needed was a change of scenery. Now, he loved Asheville, but at the time, he was having a hard time getting solid footing there. However, Charlie is a very rational man, and instead of going off on crazy tangents, or hatching harebrained schemes, he decided "I know! I'll move to Scotland!" So Charlie started looking into what he had to do to move to Scotland. He knew where he wanted to go, Aberdeen, because that's where his ancestors were from, and he even started looking at apartments and jobs. It seemed like a strong community, so all was going well. However, the Brits have become rather stingy about who they allow to emigrate to their country. If you want to come and spend your money in the UK, that is fine and dandy with them. They'll even throw in a few "Cheerio!"'s and "Oye! Top o' the mornin' Gov!"'s just so you feel like you got your monies worth, but tell them that you want to move there and work, taking jobs away from their natural citizens? Then they get a tad bit puggled.
However, just as Charlie was beginning to understand how to manipulate his new government into allowing him to pay them taxes for socialized medicine, and the most sophisticated national system for avoiding Orthodontia in the world, another destination was added to the roster of potential new homes. The City of Perpetual Hipsterism, or as you unaffiliated with the city may call it, New York City. It was a place he had often thought of, but had decided that he was not in love with himself enough to fit in. He had assumed that one would need a large amount of false self-worth to be properly acclimated, that he was not enough of a dick to be a New Yorker. He was wrong.
But who is the mysterious figure that put such an idea in Charlie's head? What a place for a good Southern Gentleman indeed! Who extender their hospitality, and changed Charlie's vernacular from "y'all"s and "Ma'am"s to "Hey you! Yeah you, do I look I'm talking to myself here?" and "No, just sausage and peppers! What are you some kind of retard? Oh yeah, you're a Jets fan, of course you're a retard!" Who indeed. Find out next time, in the next installment of "What Has Happened In Charlie's Life Since His Last Real Update"! Same Bat-time, same Bat-channel!