(no subject)
I haven't written very much for a while. It feels almost as though I've outgrown this old thing, or at least the icon that represents me. Nonetheless, I look at everyone's entries daily. Today I liked the writing prompt. So I'm going to do it!
There are many things I wouldn't change in my life. Through all of the difficulties of this past year, primarily including being extremely poor, starting and quitting dancing, mistreating my friends, being in several unhealthy relationships, I am thankful that I've been able to come back to my center point. I like who I am now, because I know who I am not. I wouldn't change who I am. I love my values, my personality, and my strength. I love that I was able to start and stop dancing in 6 weeks. I love that I did it for myself, and that I didn't start doing another type of sex work to replace dancing even though it would have been very easy. For people who haven't done sex work it might be hard to understand completely the draw of it. It's not just easy money, it's also a lot of attention, opportunities for free clothes and vacations, an assurance that people 'like' you. There's so much involved in it and I have to say, the thing about it that is the worst is the lack of stability, and the constant desire to do it more and more, because it's so easy to make more and more money. It made me want to shut off the rest of my life, and in a lot of ways I did just that. Finally, the worst thing about dancing was that it made me a completely different person-someone I almost couldn't recognize in the mirror, literally. Other people didn't recognize me sometimes. It was disconcerting. My whole attitude changed-my whole world shifted. I couldn't go out and hear music without wanting to dance like a 'whore' and take my clothes off. It was awful. I have never been prouder of myself then now, when it's been months, and I haven't gone back. It is still hard not to. I just think about how easy it is to make $200-$250 in one night, and how quickly I could pay off a semester of college. Life would be simpler in some ways, but I wouldn't be myself. And as I said, I like myself. It's something I don't want to change. So I won't go back to dancing.
There are many things I wouldn't change in my life. Through all of the difficulties of this past year, primarily including being extremely poor, starting and quitting dancing, mistreating my friends, being in several unhealthy relationships, I am thankful that I've been able to come back to my center point. I like who I am now, because I know who I am not. I wouldn't change who I am. I love my values, my personality, and my strength. I love that I was able to start and stop dancing in 6 weeks. I love that I did it for myself, and that I didn't start doing another type of sex work to replace dancing even though it would have been very easy. For people who haven't done sex work it might be hard to understand completely the draw of it. It's not just easy money, it's also a lot of attention, opportunities for free clothes and vacations, an assurance that people 'like' you. There's so much involved in it and I have to say, the thing about it that is the worst is the lack of stability, and the constant desire to do it more and more, because it's so easy to make more and more money. It made me want to shut off the rest of my life, and in a lot of ways I did just that. Finally, the worst thing about dancing was that it made me a completely different person-someone I almost couldn't recognize in the mirror, literally. Other people didn't recognize me sometimes. It was disconcerting. My whole attitude changed-my whole world shifted. I couldn't go out and hear music without wanting to dance like a 'whore' and take my clothes off. It was awful. I have never been prouder of myself then now, when it's been months, and I haven't gone back. It is still hard not to. I just think about how easy it is to make $200-$250 in one night, and how quickly I could pay off a semester of college. Life would be simpler in some ways, but I wouldn't be myself. And as I said, I like myself. It's something I don't want to change. So I won't go back to dancing.