Fantasy life
I want a dresser to put my clothes in
I want a bedframe to be tied to
I want walls painted exactly as I imagine them: Black on three sides, lilac on the fourth
With bright pictures hung perfectly straight
and a lockbox filled with neon pink sex toys
neon pink faux leather ankle and wrist restraints
neon pink faux leather neck to wrist cuffs
neon pink bondage tape
black faux leather harness
neon pink dildo
neon pink vibrating dildo
another lockbox for non-neon pink sex toys
There have been these simple desires lately and I need them to come true. To be restrained with my arms above my head standing at a door frame. I am left there for hours blindfolded. Every once in a while someone will come past, and even less frequently they will tickle me with a feather, pull my hair and kiss me, go down on me, belt me, lovingly touch my exhausted arms.
The kitchen will be stocked with fresh fruits and vegetables. The garden will have plants waiting to be picked, washed, cooked, and eaten. There will be herbs growing plentifully, and every ingredient of the raspberry mint tea will be fresh.
My job will be creating erotica-written, photographic, film, made by women who enjoy it.
Lately I've been watching a BurningAngel's film that my roommate owns and as her boyfriend feels about the strip club: It's just not that erotic. It seems like they are a group of girls and boys who are low-grade actors that enjoy sexy dress up but don't actually like performing sex for the camera. If I hear, "Fuck yeah!" one more time out of the main actresses' mouth I'll be ready to either break the dvd in half or write her a letter curiously wondering if that's all she can come up with in real life romance as well.
This is not to say I wasn't aroused at all by the film. I was surprised completely by the things that I found arousing me, in fact, most pointedly a penis penetrating a vagina. The most surprising reality is that the anal sex scenes didn't arouse me at all. I think this is because Joanna just seemed utterly disinterested in it. The man was smacking her breast, choking her, and she was pulling her own hair, which I found all very sexy, but then she just kept saying, "fuck yeah," about him penetrating her ass. It was so boring.
So in my dreams lately I create porn that is less boring, woman centered, and most basically fun. The difficult part about making good porn, I think, besides knowing what angles to shoot etc.etc.etc is probably that the people aren't sure whether they're supposed to be sexually excited or just faking it. I think good porn has to involve someone actually being stimulated sexually, not just pretending to be. Call me crazy. And I think there are enough exhibitionists in the world that it shouldn't be difficult to find those people and make it happen.
The difficulties lie in the complex social relationships people have with porn, and sex work in general. Lately I've been thinking of how easy it would be to go strip. Some of my friends strip, I know some of the stripper and they are pretty friendly, and I am pretty good at staying out of trouble with girls who don't deserve my time, plus I've never been interested in cocaine use so I wouldn't be getting in drug trouble like some girls end up doing.
Sometimes I think about what life would be like if sex work were decriminalized. This used to be something I thought/read about a lot, and I think that's because it's a line of work that has a great amount of appeal to me. I felt very disliked and ugly for so much of my youth and I think that makes me want validation. This is very odd because I am pretty and I know that on some intellectual level, but have no emotional connection to that reality. I need to FEEL pretty, wanted, adored somehow, and if it's by getting paid to listen to men complain about their jobs, their wives, their sex life, or listening to men talk about their sports obsessions, their friendships, their interests...well, it isn't the worst job ever. Yes, I'd have to have only a little bit of clothes on, perhaps none, but that's part of what makes it a great job-validation.validation.validation.
Would decriminalization assist in the destigmatization of sex work? I think it might, in the same way I think making same sex marriage legal is useful.
I sometimes think of being a pro-dom. The problem here is that the people who are the submissives don't really want to be dominated. They want to TELL you how to dominate them. And then pay you with their parents money a lot of the time. Either way it's a completely interesting job that I feel I have less access to because it is only semi-legal/illegal depending on what's happening.
I remember watching short bus with Beckx and both of us just looked at each other with such interest when the dom came on, and we told each other that we would really like that job. It's true. And I think we'd both be good at it. Even though I am not totally dominant, I think it would be completely interesting to learn the trade.
Mirabelle would wander listlessly around, searching for a hair tie to play with, or a bag to rip apart.
I've been very confused about human relationship lately. I don't know how to exactly explain that confusion but to say I don't know what I want, so of course I don't know how to get what I want. For a while, a few months, I thought I wanted to flit about and get whatever I wanted from whomever I wanted it from. And while it's fun to mess around with people I'm not sure that is exactly what I need. I like having relationships, even if those relationships are simple and clearly not long term. I like the freedom to make out with whoever I want in random situations, and I like the sharing of sexual interests and desires.
I like laying down and knitting with someone. I like having someone to go to interesting events with. I like the idea of going to ridiculous art openings and museums, movies and coffee shops.
I like the simplicity of day to day love, and the excitement of day to day love making. And I kind of want all that, plus the ability to fuck other people, and develop interesting unique relationships with others without feeling fettered by the original relationship.
All those desires are complicated by the fact that I have NO CLUE if I could actually deal with those things being a reality. Right now they are as close to a reality as has ever been possible, and suitor number 1 has recently begun showing signs of jealousy. I've also recently begun showing signs of clingyness, insinuating I want a different type of relationship than I am having with him, which of course means I feel the need to pull away and pretend I don't care at all. Because it's easier to pull away than to have an actual honest conversation about emotions with someone.
O.God.
Life is so complicated and scary.
I want a bedframe to be tied to
I want walls painted exactly as I imagine them: Black on three sides, lilac on the fourth
With bright pictures hung perfectly straight
and a lockbox filled with neon pink sex toys
neon pink faux leather ankle and wrist restraints
neon pink faux leather neck to wrist cuffs
neon pink bondage tape
black faux leather harness
neon pink dildo
neon pink vibrating dildo
another lockbox for non-neon pink sex toys
There have been these simple desires lately and I need them to come true. To be restrained with my arms above my head standing at a door frame. I am left there for hours blindfolded. Every once in a while someone will come past, and even less frequently they will tickle me with a feather, pull my hair and kiss me, go down on me, belt me, lovingly touch my exhausted arms.
The kitchen will be stocked with fresh fruits and vegetables. The garden will have plants waiting to be picked, washed, cooked, and eaten. There will be herbs growing plentifully, and every ingredient of the raspberry mint tea will be fresh.
My job will be creating erotica-written, photographic, film, made by women who enjoy it.
Lately I've been watching a BurningAngel's film that my roommate owns and as her boyfriend feels about the strip club: It's just not that erotic. It seems like they are a group of girls and boys who are low-grade actors that enjoy sexy dress up but don't actually like performing sex for the camera. If I hear, "Fuck yeah!" one more time out of the main actresses' mouth I'll be ready to either break the dvd in half or write her a letter curiously wondering if that's all she can come up with in real life romance as well.
This is not to say I wasn't aroused at all by the film. I was surprised completely by the things that I found arousing me, in fact, most pointedly a penis penetrating a vagina. The most surprising reality is that the anal sex scenes didn't arouse me at all. I think this is because Joanna just seemed utterly disinterested in it. The man was smacking her breast, choking her, and she was pulling her own hair, which I found all very sexy, but then she just kept saying, "fuck yeah," about him penetrating her ass. It was so boring.
So in my dreams lately I create porn that is less boring, woman centered, and most basically fun. The difficult part about making good porn, I think, besides knowing what angles to shoot etc.etc.etc is probably that the people aren't sure whether they're supposed to be sexually excited or just faking it. I think good porn has to involve someone actually being stimulated sexually, not just pretending to be. Call me crazy. And I think there are enough exhibitionists in the world that it shouldn't be difficult to find those people and make it happen.
The difficulties lie in the complex social relationships people have with porn, and sex work in general. Lately I've been thinking of how easy it would be to go strip. Some of my friends strip, I know some of the stripper and they are pretty friendly, and I am pretty good at staying out of trouble with girls who don't deserve my time, plus I've never been interested in cocaine use so I wouldn't be getting in drug trouble like some girls end up doing.
Sometimes I think about what life would be like if sex work were decriminalized. This used to be something I thought/read about a lot, and I think that's because it's a line of work that has a great amount of appeal to me. I felt very disliked and ugly for so much of my youth and I think that makes me want validation. This is very odd because I am pretty and I know that on some intellectual level, but have no emotional connection to that reality. I need to FEEL pretty, wanted, adored somehow, and if it's by getting paid to listen to men complain about their jobs, their wives, their sex life, or listening to men talk about their sports obsessions, their friendships, their interests...well, it isn't the worst job ever. Yes, I'd have to have only a little bit of clothes on, perhaps none, but that's part of what makes it a great job-validation.validation.validation.
Would decriminalization assist in the destigmatization of sex work? I think it might, in the same way I think making same sex marriage legal is useful.
I sometimes think of being a pro-dom. The problem here is that the people who are the submissives don't really want to be dominated. They want to TELL you how to dominate them. And then pay you with their parents money a lot of the time. Either way it's a completely interesting job that I feel I have less access to because it is only semi-legal/illegal depending on what's happening.
I remember watching short bus with Beckx and both of us just looked at each other with such interest when the dom came on, and we told each other that we would really like that job. It's true. And I think we'd both be good at it. Even though I am not totally dominant, I think it would be completely interesting to learn the trade.
Mirabelle would wander listlessly around, searching for a hair tie to play with, or a bag to rip apart.
I've been very confused about human relationship lately. I don't know how to exactly explain that confusion but to say I don't know what I want, so of course I don't know how to get what I want. For a while, a few months, I thought I wanted to flit about and get whatever I wanted from whomever I wanted it from. And while it's fun to mess around with people I'm not sure that is exactly what I need. I like having relationships, even if those relationships are simple and clearly not long term. I like the freedom to make out with whoever I want in random situations, and I like the sharing of sexual interests and desires.
I like laying down and knitting with someone. I like having someone to go to interesting events with. I like the idea of going to ridiculous art openings and museums, movies and coffee shops.
I like the simplicity of day to day love, and the excitement of day to day love making. And I kind of want all that, plus the ability to fuck other people, and develop interesting unique relationships with others without feeling fettered by the original relationship.
All those desires are complicated by the fact that I have NO CLUE if I could actually deal with those things being a reality. Right now they are as close to a reality as has ever been possible, and suitor number 1 has recently begun showing signs of jealousy. I've also recently begun showing signs of clingyness, insinuating I want a different type of relationship than I am having with him, which of course means I feel the need to pull away and pretend I don't care at all. Because it's easier to pull away than to have an actual honest conversation about emotions with someone.
O.God.
Life is so complicated and scary.