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The Jerry Springer Show : Episode 627 : "Marriage Meltdown!"
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[The crowd starts chanting "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!"]
Jerry: Tonight on "The Jerry Springer Show" we have a particularly interesting episode! Travis is here to finally confess something to a long-time friend, George. So everyone, please put your hands together for Travis!
[The crowd whoops and hollers]
Jerry: Okay, now Travis you're here to talk about someone aren't you?
You: Yes.
Jerry: And what is this other person's name?
You: Lolita.
[The crowd squeals with delight]
Jerry: Okay, okay, well Lolita, is actually here tonight ...
[The crowd squeals]
Jerry: But first we have a surprise for you Travis, because as it happens there is someone else here to see you! So let's bring out ... Robert!
You: What the HELL!!!
[Out of nowhere you pull out a Cocoa Butter. Robert reaches for the But Plug. Out of the shadows Judy Swallows appears]
Judy Swallows: Wait everybody, wait!
Jerry: Yes, everybody let's just calm down for a moment here. First, tell us why you're here Robert.
Robert: Because I saw Travis and Judy Swallows making out at Stop-N-Go!
[The crowd goes absolutely insane]
Judy Swallows: That's a lie! I was home watching Wheel of Fortune!
Jerry: [raising his hands] Hold on, hold on, I'm missing the problem here ... what exactly is the problem Robert?
Robert: Because I've recently been taking part in a sexual relationship with George who has recently become engaged to Judy Swallows.
[The crowd hollers, screams and whoops in an orchestra of orgasmic excitement]
Jerry: Okay, okay. Well why don't we bring George out here because Travis had something that they needed to tell them anyway about ... Lolita that's right!
George: [enters onto stage and saunters over towards you] What's the deal? I saw you outside getting it on with Lolita! You know how I feel about Lolita!
Judy Swallows: [screams] What? Why the hell did you ask me to marry you if you're in love with Lolita!
George: Because I knew that I could never have Lolita. But Travis promised me that they'd never hook up out of respect for my feelings!
Judy Swallows: What about respect for my feelings!
[Robert walks suddenly across the stage, embracing George]
Robert: Don't worry baby, you don't need any of them now that you have me.
[Again the crowd squeals]
Judy Swallows: Oh my God! Are you sick!?
[Judy Swallows runs across the room and wraps their arms around you tightly]
Judy Swallows: Travis take me away from all of this!
You: You see? That's the thing ... I'm ... well, I'm married ...
[The crowd does its bit]
Judy Swallows: Married?
[You nod]
Judy Swallows: Who the hell are you married to? When ... when did this happen? I don't understand!
You: The other day. In Vegas. I'm married to Lolita.
George: [screaming] WHAT!!!
Jerry: [grinning widely, makes an enquiry] So ... did you have a nice wedding night?
Lolita: [stepping back out onto center stage] Well we had sex 6 times if that's what you mean.
[The crowd squeals]
Jerry: Okay, okay. So let me get this all straight ... Travis is married to Lolita who George has secretly been in love with for years and years. Now George has recently become engaged to Judy Swallows who was recently spotted kissing Travis in Stop-N-Go. Now on top of this, Robert has just admitted to being in a sexual relationship with George.
Lolita: That's right Jerry.
Jerry: [looking sternly into the camera] It's times like these that one has to wonder whether or not these people are aware that they are quite clinically insane. Perhaps we should be spending more on psychiatric health funds in this country, perhaps we should just ban Vegas to cut down on impulse marriages. Perhaps I should get a new job. Thanks for watching folks - it's been great - but for now, take care of yourselves ... and each other.
[Cue cheesy background music and fade to black]
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[The crowd starts chanting "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!"]
Jerry: Tonight on "The Jerry Springer Show" we have a particularly interesting episode! Travis is here to finally confess something to a long-time friend, George. So everyone, please put your hands together for Travis!
[The crowd whoops and hollers]
Jerry: Okay, now Travis you're here to talk about someone aren't you?
You: Yes.
Jerry: And what is this other person's name?
You: Lolita.
[The crowd squeals with delight]
Jerry: Okay, okay, well Lolita, is actually here tonight ...
[The crowd squeals]
Jerry: But first we have a surprise for you Travis, because as it happens there is someone else here to see you! So let's bring out ... Robert!
You: What the HELL!!!
[Out of nowhere you pull out a Cocoa Butter. Robert reaches for the But Plug. Out of the shadows Judy Swallows appears]
Judy Swallows: Wait everybody, wait!
Jerry: Yes, everybody let's just calm down for a moment here. First, tell us why you're here Robert.
Robert: Because I saw Travis and Judy Swallows making out at Stop-N-Go!
[The crowd goes absolutely insane]
Judy Swallows: That's a lie! I was home watching Wheel of Fortune!
Jerry: [raising his hands] Hold on, hold on, I'm missing the problem here ... what exactly is the problem Robert?
Robert: Because I've recently been taking part in a sexual relationship with George who has recently become engaged to Judy Swallows.
[The crowd hollers, screams and whoops in an orchestra of orgasmic excitement]
Jerry: Okay, okay. Well why don't we bring George out here because Travis had something that they needed to tell them anyway about ... Lolita that's right!
George: [enters onto stage and saunters over towards you] What's the deal? I saw you outside getting it on with Lolita! You know how I feel about Lolita!
Judy Swallows: [screams] What? Why the hell did you ask me to marry you if you're in love with Lolita!
George: Because I knew that I could never have Lolita. But Travis promised me that they'd never hook up out of respect for my feelings!
Judy Swallows: What about respect for my feelings!
[Robert walks suddenly across the stage, embracing George]
Robert: Don't worry baby, you don't need any of them now that you have me.
[Again the crowd squeals]
Judy Swallows: Oh my God! Are you sick!?
[Judy Swallows runs across the room and wraps their arms around you tightly]
Judy Swallows: Travis take me away from all of this!
You: You see? That's the thing ... I'm ... well, I'm married ...
[The crowd does its bit]
Judy Swallows: Married?
[You nod]
Judy Swallows: Who the hell are you married to? When ... when did this happen? I don't understand!
You: The other day. In Vegas. I'm married to Lolita.
George: [screaming] WHAT!!!
Jerry: [grinning widely, makes an enquiry] So ... did you have a nice wedding night?
Lolita: [stepping back out onto center stage] Well we had sex 6 times if that's what you mean.
[The crowd squeals]
Jerry: Okay, okay. So let me get this all straight ... Travis is married to Lolita who George has secretly been in love with for years and years. Now George has recently become engaged to Judy Swallows who was recently spotted kissing Travis in Stop-N-Go. Now on top of this, Robert has just admitted to being in a sexual relationship with George.
Lolita: That's right Jerry.
Jerry: [looking sternly into the camera] It's times like these that one has to wonder whether or not these people are aware that they are quite clinically insane. Perhaps we should be spending more on psychiatric health funds in this country, perhaps we should just ban Vegas to cut down on impulse marriages. Perhaps I should get a new job. Thanks for watching folks - it's been great - but for now, take care of yourselves ... and each other.
[Cue cheesy background music and fade to black]