mindful babble
Well I'm now thinking way too much...so please ignore the fact that I'm just babbling on and on but I just need to get some of this out of me because it's just becoming stagnant within me - I just don't know exactly how I feel yet, I guess...I'm confused and frustrated at the same time.
I think that I’m over analyzing things to such a degree that it’s keeping me awake at night. I can’t help it though. I talked to Matt earlier today and I guess our conversation got me to thinking more. I asked him where we were standing (oh yes the contemplation of us) - and ya know, I don’t like to think of us as on a break only because that constitutes being able to be free to do what we want and not feel bad about it (and of course by that I mean sexual things). I can’t handle the thought of him being with someone else, I know that it sounds selfish and maybe I feel a little selfish for feeling that way, but that’s how I feel and I can’t help it.
Even to imagine him kissing another guy makes my stomach do back-flips. I don’t want to be with anyone else, I don’t want to take that risk…I asked him not to have sex with anyone else and he said that he wouldn’t - I really hope that he doesn’t go there until he knows what he really feels, because if he decides that he wants to be single and move on from us (tears welling up) I’ll have to accept that as hard as it would be to do - but then at least I wouldn’t be hurt by the thought of him with someone else while he’s with me - And I constantly wonder if that’s selfish of me to feel that way.
I know that he needs time to think, I’ve established this, and he tries to reassure me that things will be fine but my past experiences make me skeptical and I can’t help but feel negatively about it. My mind is just rushing in 7,000 different directions and I can’t keep on just thinking that things will be fine because (here come the what if’s) what if they aren’t and I’m not prepared for it??? It will hurt that much more. On the same token, if I prepare for the worst and it turns out to be fine, I will have wasted so much time worrying pointlessly. So here I am stuck in limbo with no absolutions on where things are and as much as he needs this, it still hurts.
I was asked today what it was about him that makes me feel this way…and I can’t pinpoint any one thing ~ It’s everything about him that makes me so crazy about him. He's simply the most amazing person I know.
I know that he’ll read this at some point but I want to make it clear that this isn’t for the purposes that it may seem to be at present - it’s just the only outlet I have right now. On the other hand I’m glad he’ll get to see my ranting and raving if only to know how much he means to me.
I can’t help but wonder…why do I feel the way I do? Why does he feel the way he does? Why does it seem like I’m not enough for him? Why does it hurt so much to be in the position that I’m in, knowing that it's not over but that it's not together either??? Am I selfish? Does he think that I’m selfish to ask for the things I ask for?
There are so many unanswered questions in my head and more and more build up every second of the day. Today I was ok - I handled myself because I keep busy with work or whatever, but at night when he’s not with me I feel so empty, like there’s a hole deep in me that only he can fill. And I have this longing to have him next to me if only just to hear the sound of his breath...The trip to Florida did something to me -I think that's when I really fell - I was with him pretty much 24/7 for the whole trip and it just makes me see through all the faults that he's the one I want in my life, and for me to admit that is huge. I most definitely like being single and unattached but I guess the only reason I feel ready for so much more is because of him. He makes me want to settle down in a way - it's hard to describe.
I hate this so much….and I don’t want him to feel guilty for feeling the way he does because I know that he can’t help how he feels just as much as I can’t, but at the same time I want to be so selfish and just find some way to get him back to me to make me feel whole again…but that’s unfair to him and I care about him way to much to do that.
Ok - I’m about to go into analyzing mode… the facts :
He cares for me, yes I know this, but we are at the point to where he doesn’t know how much he cares about me. I know that I have an irreversible need for him. I feel a void without him, an ache, a hunger, a sort of emptiness…and I hate feeling that dependant on someone but I can’t help it…he’s the first person that I’ve ever felt like this with - I know that he needs time, I'm willing to give him that, but I don't want the space that comes along with time - because I am witness to how much time can change people. I can't let the possibilities pass me by.
I’ve put myself out there on the line to say “I’ll wait for you while you figure things out even if that means that I don’t get to have you in the end.”
Someone quoted a saying for me that says “sometimes if you love something, you have to let it go.” Which goes along with the “You don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone.”
And that’s another thing, we were talking about that saying at one point and using it to say that this is what would probably happen to him if there were to be a distance between us, but it’s backfired and now I’m feeling the sting of finally realizing how important he is to me - and even though we aren’t “broken up” per say, and that we are going to work through what problems we have, I just don’t think that these things can be fixed unless you work together, and not apart. The only thing that will make us stronger is to get through it with each other not without. I don't know if that's a valid point or not.
I’m scared that I’m going to lose him to someone else I guess is what it boils down to. Which is of course my own insecurities, and the past creeping up on me. I always think that there’s someone out there better than me who could steal away what I love, and I shouldn’t feel that way because I do know that I’m worth it - (apparently I’m now writing a novel) and that’s not to be self righteous by any means.
Ok, he tells me that I’m perfect for him, that I’m everything that he’s ever looked for in a person, but where does that leave me…it leaves me thinking that maybe that’s just not enough??? Maybe it is. Or something else, I don’t know but it’s so holy unbelievably frustrating that it’s hard to put in words exactly how I’m feeling.
When I was in sort of rough shape after our talk last night and after he left and then called me and asked me if I was ok…and I told him that I was - and then he said that he’d turn around and come back if I wasn’t ok - yes that’s so very sweet and considerate, but I wouldn’t have wanted him to come back because he felt bad for me, but because he wanted to come back. I don’t know how I feel I’m so confused and just in a state of utter chaos and confusion -
I’m going to be patient and wait and probably be somewhat anxious about the outcome of this
I'm going to end this with a song lyric (which I think will be my trademark from now on) This may be a song that explains something of which he may be feeling right now...he'll understand if he reads this exactly what I mean
Fallen
~Sarah McLachlan~
Heaven bend to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight
Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear
Though I've tried I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I've messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here and
An' tell me I told you so
We all begin with good intent
When love is raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past can be undone
But we carry on our back the burden time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
In the wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
I've held so dear
Though I've tried I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I've messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here and
An' tell me I told you so
Heaven bend to take my hand
I've nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turn their heads embarrassed
Pretend that they don't see
That it's one missed step
One slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed
Though I've tried I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I've messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here and
An' tell me I told you so
Ohhhhh
I've messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here and
An' tell me I told you so
I think that I’m over analyzing things to such a degree that it’s keeping me awake at night. I can’t help it though. I talked to Matt earlier today and I guess our conversation got me to thinking more. I asked him where we were standing (oh yes the contemplation of us) - and ya know, I don’t like to think of us as on a break only because that constitutes being able to be free to do what we want and not feel bad about it (and of course by that I mean sexual things). I can’t handle the thought of him being with someone else, I know that it sounds selfish and maybe I feel a little selfish for feeling that way, but that’s how I feel and I can’t help it.
Even to imagine him kissing another guy makes my stomach do back-flips. I don’t want to be with anyone else, I don’t want to take that risk…I asked him not to have sex with anyone else and he said that he wouldn’t - I really hope that he doesn’t go there until he knows what he really feels, because if he decides that he wants to be single and move on from us (tears welling up) I’ll have to accept that as hard as it would be to do - but then at least I wouldn’t be hurt by the thought of him with someone else while he’s with me - And I constantly wonder if that’s selfish of me to feel that way.
I know that he needs time to think, I’ve established this, and he tries to reassure me that things will be fine but my past experiences make me skeptical and I can’t help but feel negatively about it. My mind is just rushing in 7,000 different directions and I can’t keep on just thinking that things will be fine because (here come the what if’s) what if they aren’t and I’m not prepared for it??? It will hurt that much more. On the same token, if I prepare for the worst and it turns out to be fine, I will have wasted so much time worrying pointlessly. So here I am stuck in limbo with no absolutions on where things are and as much as he needs this, it still hurts.
I was asked today what it was about him that makes me feel this way…and I can’t pinpoint any one thing ~ It’s everything about him that makes me so crazy about him. He's simply the most amazing person I know.
I know that he’ll read this at some point but I want to make it clear that this isn’t for the purposes that it may seem to be at present - it’s just the only outlet I have right now. On the other hand I’m glad he’ll get to see my ranting and raving if only to know how much he means to me.
I can’t help but wonder…why do I feel the way I do? Why does he feel the way he does? Why does it seem like I’m not enough for him? Why does it hurt so much to be in the position that I’m in, knowing that it's not over but that it's not together either??? Am I selfish? Does he think that I’m selfish to ask for the things I ask for?
There are so many unanswered questions in my head and more and more build up every second of the day. Today I was ok - I handled myself because I keep busy with work or whatever, but at night when he’s not with me I feel so empty, like there’s a hole deep in me that only he can fill. And I have this longing to have him next to me if only just to hear the sound of his breath...The trip to Florida did something to me -I think that's when I really fell - I was with him pretty much 24/7 for the whole trip and it just makes me see through all the faults that he's the one I want in my life, and for me to admit that is huge. I most definitely like being single and unattached but I guess the only reason I feel ready for so much more is because of him. He makes me want to settle down in a way - it's hard to describe.
I hate this so much….and I don’t want him to feel guilty for feeling the way he does because I know that he can’t help how he feels just as much as I can’t, but at the same time I want to be so selfish and just find some way to get him back to me to make me feel whole again…but that’s unfair to him and I care about him way to much to do that.
Ok - I’m about to go into analyzing mode… the facts :
He cares for me, yes I know this, but we are at the point to where he doesn’t know how much he cares about me. I know that I have an irreversible need for him. I feel a void without him, an ache, a hunger, a sort of emptiness…and I hate feeling that dependant on someone but I can’t help it…he’s the first person that I’ve ever felt like this with - I know that he needs time, I'm willing to give him that, but I don't want the space that comes along with time - because I am witness to how much time can change people. I can't let the possibilities pass me by.
I’ve put myself out there on the line to say “I’ll wait for you while you figure things out even if that means that I don’t get to have you in the end.”
Someone quoted a saying for me that says “sometimes if you love something, you have to let it go.” Which goes along with the “You don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone.”
And that’s another thing, we were talking about that saying at one point and using it to say that this is what would probably happen to him if there were to be a distance between us, but it’s backfired and now I’m feeling the sting of finally realizing how important he is to me - and even though we aren’t “broken up” per say, and that we are going to work through what problems we have, I just don’t think that these things can be fixed unless you work together, and not apart. The only thing that will make us stronger is to get through it with each other not without. I don't know if that's a valid point or not.
I’m scared that I’m going to lose him to someone else I guess is what it boils down to. Which is of course my own insecurities, and the past creeping up on me. I always think that there’s someone out there better than me who could steal away what I love, and I shouldn’t feel that way because I do know that I’m worth it - (apparently I’m now writing a novel) and that’s not to be self righteous by any means.
Ok, he tells me that I’m perfect for him, that I’m everything that he’s ever looked for in a person, but where does that leave me…it leaves me thinking that maybe that’s just not enough??? Maybe it is. Or something else, I don’t know but it’s so holy unbelievably frustrating that it’s hard to put in words exactly how I’m feeling.
When I was in sort of rough shape after our talk last night and after he left and then called me and asked me if I was ok…and I told him that I was - and then he said that he’d turn around and come back if I wasn’t ok - yes that’s so very sweet and considerate, but I wouldn’t have wanted him to come back because he felt bad for me, but because he wanted to come back. I don’t know how I feel I’m so confused and just in a state of utter chaos and confusion -
I’m going to be patient and wait and probably be somewhat anxious about the outcome of this
I'm going to end this with a song lyric (which I think will be my trademark from now on) This may be a song that explains something of which he may be feeling right now...he'll understand if he reads this exactly what I mean
Fallen
~Sarah McLachlan~
Heaven bend to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight
Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear
Though I've tried I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I've messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here and
An' tell me I told you so
We all begin with good intent
When love is raw and young
We believed that we could change ourselves
The past can be undone
But we carry on our back the burden time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
In the wound that would not heal
It's the bitter taste of losing everything
I've held so dear
Though I've tried I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I've messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here and
An' tell me I told you so
Heaven bend to take my hand
I've nowhere left to turn
I'm lost to those I thought were friends
To everyone I know
Oh they turn their heads embarrassed
Pretend that they don't see
That it's one missed step
One slip before you know it
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed
Though I've tried I've fallen
I have sunk so low
I've messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here and
An' tell me I told you so
Ohhhhh
I've messed up
Better I should know
So don't come round here and
An' tell me I told you so