Fic: What it Leaves Behind
Title: What it Leaves Behind
Fandom: Criminal Minds
Pairing: Hotch/Reid
Rating: FRT
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Summary: The day they broke up was a week short of what would have been their two year anniversary. Spencer didn’t feel remotely sorry when Aaron said, “I hope this won’t affect our working relationship,” and he responded with, “Fuck you.” // A disordered timeline of before, during, after, and again.
Three weeks after they broke up Spencer opened his front door to find Aaron standing there looking tired and drawn.
“I’m sorry, Spencer,” Aaron said.
Spencer swallowed hard and narrowed his eyes. “You should be,” he said, and then he slammed the door.
…
The first time they slept together it was as close to a drunken, fumbling mistake as you could get. Aaron drove Spencer home from the bar because Spencer had been matching Garcia shot for shot for the past few hours, and when Spencer tripped in the stairwell of his apartment complex Aaron laughed and said, “We need to get you into bed,” and Spencer slurred something like, “God, finally,” before pressing Aaron into the wall and kissing him.
There was a moment where Aaron sort-of struggled, confused and off-guard, but then Aaron’s hands came to rest on Spencer’s hips and Aaron’s lips parted beneath his and Spencer’s brain shut off until Aaron pulled away sharply and said, “Ow.”
When Spencer blinked at him, confused, Aaron pushed himself away from the wall with a grimace and mumbled something about the door handle pressing into his back before he slid a hand around behind Spencer’s neck and pulled him in for another kiss.
If Spencer hadn’t been drunk he would have said it had taken an excruciatingly long time for them to make their way back to his apartment and into bed, but as it was it just felt like slow minutes of kissing and moving against one another; of stuttering, stumbling motions punctuated with low laughter along the way.
…
The day they broke up was a week short of what would have been their two year anniversary. Aaron showed up at Spencer’s apartment at six in the morning, bags under his eyes and his mouth drawn into a tight line as he laid things out in overly neat, clean terms.
“We can’t do this,” Aaron said, “it isn’t fair to either of us.” For all that his words seemed unreasonable, Aaron seemed impossibly removed from the situation.
Spencer was still slightly bleary eyed from being woken up an hour early and guerilla attacked with information he wasn’t ready to process without at least a cup of coffee. “Are you breaking up with me?” He asked, and his voice was still raspy with sleep and laced with confusion.
“I’m sorry,” Aaron said, shifting his eyes away so he didn’t have to look at Spencer.
There was a long moment of silence before Spencer said, “Holy shit,” and let himself fall back against the counter, barely noticing the dig of the sharp formica edge against his skin. “Seriously?”
Aaron nodded without looking up at him and Spencer closed his eyes for a second, trying reconcile what was happening with his sleep-addled mind. They sat in silence for a few minutes before Spencer finally cleared his throat and said, “You’re an asshole, Hotch.”
Spencer was sure that the use of Aaron’s last name hadn’t escaped either of them, so he didn’t feel remotely sorry when Aaron said, “I hope this won’t affect our working relationship,” and he responded with, “Fuck you.”
…
The day after they broke up Spencer called in sick and spent eight hours reading back-to-back issues of the American Journal of Behavioral Medicine and eating popsicles. When Morgan called sometime during the afternoon he turned down the overly loud classic rock records he’d been playing long enough to fake a cough and claim he had tuberculosis and hang up.
They all knew he was faking anyway -- a self-proclamed diagnosis of highly improbable TB wouldn’t hurt him anymore.
Prentiss and JJ and Rossi each tried to reach him that afternoon.
Aaron didn’t call him once.
…
One week after they broke up Aaron cornered him in the coffee room and asked him if everything was all right.
‘You were everything to me, and now you’re gone,’ Spencer thought, but instead he nodded silently and sipped his drink before forcing a smile and saying, “Yeah, it’s okay.”
It would have been their two year anniversary, but he kept smiling anyway.
…
Six months into their relationship Aaron invited Spencer over for dinner, and Spencer and Jack and Aaron ate meatloaf and mashed potatoes and Spencer helped tuck Jack in.
Back in the kitchen, cleaning the dishes and bantering easily, Spencer made a stupid joke about physicists and Aaron pushed him against the counter and said, “I love you,” for the first time.
Spencer stared at him silently for a minute before smiling hesitantly and saying, “I love you, too.”
Hours later Aaron pressed kisses against the freckles that lined themselves in random, spotted sequences along Spencer’s sides and told Spencer all the things he loved about him. When Spencer rolled them over so he was straddling Aaron’s hips he smiled and told Aaron that it didn’t matter why, it just mattered that he did.
…
Three weeks and one day after they broke up Aaron didn’t show up for work. At approximately four p.m. Spencer received a phone call from a drunken, hiccuping Aaron who sounded like he had been crying.
Spencer sat at his desk and stared aimlessly at the clutter covering it for a few minutes before heading to Rossi’s office and stating that he was leaving early for personal reasons. Rossi looked at him knowingly and nodded, and twenty minutes later Spencer found himself leading a stumbling Aaron out of a seedy bar at four-thirty in the afternoon.
When he dropped Aaron off in front of his house fifteen minutes later Aaron leaned across the console and grabbed the front of Spencer’s shirt, pulling him in for a sloppy kiss. Spencer found himself torn between the slick slide of Aaron’s tongue against his bottom lip and the urge to pull back and punch Aaron as hard as he could. In the end it was the overwhelming taste of whiskey that won out, and he pulled away and wiped the back of his hand across his mouth.
Aaron licked his bottom lip quickly and looked at Spencer with astonishingly earnest eyes. “I love you,” Aaron said.
Spencer blinked a few times to hold back tears that he hadn’t realized were threatening to fall. “I know,” he said, looking out the window facing opposite of Aaron. “Get the fuck out.”
After a moment he heard the passenger side door open and the heavy, clambering movements of Aaron pulling himself out of the car. He waited until he saw Aaron step onto the sidewalk before he put the car in gear and drove off, forcing himself to keep his eyes on the road instead of looking back.
…
A year into their relationship Spencer gave Aaron everything, bearing his throat beneath the graze of Aaron’s teeth and whimpering something along the lines of ‘I love you so fucking much it hurts,’ but with less eloquence and more moaning.
Aaron smiled against his skin and bit down gently before working his lips against the skin until their was a faint mark. He didn’t say anything, but Spencer imagined that it was a response along the lines of ‘I fucking love you, too.’
…
Four weeks after they broke up Aaron asked Spencer out for a cup of coffee after work and Spencer accepted.
By the time he reached the coffee house Aaron was sitting at a table tucked back in the corner, fiddling nervously with the cup in front of him. Spencer sat down without ordering anything, and when Aaron looked up at him he raised his eyebrows and set his elbows on the table, silent and wary.
Aaron fiddled with a packet of sugar for a moment before he bit his bottom lip and looked up, eyes moist with what were maybe the beginnings of tears. “I’m so sorry,” he said. “I freaked out.” Spencer snorted and nodded his head slightly in agreement. “I never meant to hurt you,” Aaron said.
Spencer’s expression softened into a sad smile. “But you did,” he said.
“I’d give anything to take it all back,” Aaron said. “I’d give anything for a second chance.”
“Second chances don’t come that easily,” Spencer half-laughed.
Aaron closed his eyes and nodded. “I know,” he said quietly, “but that doesn’t stop me from wishing for one.”
They sat in awkward silence for a minute, and Spencer felt scared and a little sick to his stomach and like he was probably going to regret it but he still heard himself say, “Give me a reason.” Aaron looked up sharply, his eyes wide, and when he didn’t say anything Spencer cleared his throat and repeated himself. “Give me a reason. Tell me why I should give you another chance.”
Aaron swallowed hard and nodded. “I got scared. I don’t know- I’m not really sure… I got scared and I ran, and I don’t know why I did it but I’m so, so sorry.” He looked down at the table for a moment before continuing. “I’m more messed up than I realized, and then when I did it was just. Too much. And I freaked out.”
“I noticed that part,” Spencer said, but instead of coming out dry and sarcastic like he intended it just sounded sad. Spencer had kind of figured it was something like that, because there had to be something between ‘everything is perfect’ on Tuesday night and ‘I’m breaking up with you’ on Wednesday morning, and Spencer knew better than anyone how hard of a time Aaron had dealing with things.
Aaron ran a shaky hand through his hair and continued. “I’m still messed up and I’m still scared but I made a huge mistake, and I hurt you and that’s something that I never wanted to do.”
“I know that,” Spencer said softly.
“But I did it anyway, and I’m sorry.”
“I know that, too,” Spencer replied.
Aaron sighed and bit his lip. “I wish I knew what to say,” he whispered, “I know an apology doesn’t fix anything.”
Spencer reached across the table tentatively to cover Aaron’s hand with his own. “It’s a start,” he said, and the hesitant, hopeful smile Aaron gave him in response made him swallow hard, but he couldn’t help smile softly back.
…
Four weeks after they broke up Aaron kissed him just outside the front door of the coffee shop as they were leaving, and Spencer didn’t bother to look around them to check for people they might know, for people who might know who they were. “This doesn’t mean we’re okay,” Spencer said, but the way his fingers had worked their way under the back of Aaron’s coat belied him. “You’re still an insufferable asshole.”
Aaron blinked at him and nodded earnestly and Spencer smiled.
…
Two months after they broke up and one month after they got back together Aaron pushed Spencer back against the door of his bedroom with a harsh kiss and slid an unmistakable velvet box into Spencer’s hand.
“I got this two days before I broke up with you,” Aaron said when he pulled away, and then he laughed humorlessly. “It’s kind of why I freaked out on you in the first place.”
Spencer stared down at the box for a moment, rubbing his thumb over the lid absently while he thought about what everything inside of it meant. After a long silence he licked his bottom lip and looked up to meet Aaron’s gaze.
“I’m going to say yes when you ask,” he said, pressing the box back into Aaron’s hand, “but I want you to do it for the right reasons, at the right time.” When Aaron stared at him uncomprehendingly he smiled and kissed Aaron softly. “I love you, Aaron.”
Aaron looked at him questioningly before blinking heavily and whispering, “It might be a little while longer, then,” in a raspy, broken voice.
Spencer smiled clasped his hand over Aaron’s, intertwining their fingers. “I can wait.”
a/n: this is obviously not the ring/marriage fic that's been slowly torturing me to death. i don't even know what this actually is, to be honest, so lets call it an expression of my frustration with the world. or something. the end.
p.s. y'all this was written in past tense. an absolute first.
Fandom: Criminal Minds
Pairing: Hotch/Reid
Rating: FRT
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Summary: The day they broke up was a week short of what would have been their two year anniversary. Spencer didn’t feel remotely sorry when Aaron said, “I hope this won’t affect our working relationship,” and he responded with, “Fuck you.” // A disordered timeline of before, during, after, and again.
Three weeks after they broke up Spencer opened his front door to find Aaron standing there looking tired and drawn.
“I’m sorry, Spencer,” Aaron said.
Spencer swallowed hard and narrowed his eyes. “You should be,” he said, and then he slammed the door.
…
The first time they slept together it was as close to a drunken, fumbling mistake as you could get. Aaron drove Spencer home from the bar because Spencer had been matching Garcia shot for shot for the past few hours, and when Spencer tripped in the stairwell of his apartment complex Aaron laughed and said, “We need to get you into bed,” and Spencer slurred something like, “God, finally,” before pressing Aaron into the wall and kissing him.
There was a moment where Aaron sort-of struggled, confused and off-guard, but then Aaron’s hands came to rest on Spencer’s hips and Aaron’s lips parted beneath his and Spencer’s brain shut off until Aaron pulled away sharply and said, “Ow.”
When Spencer blinked at him, confused, Aaron pushed himself away from the wall with a grimace and mumbled something about the door handle pressing into his back before he slid a hand around behind Spencer’s neck and pulled him in for another kiss.
If Spencer hadn’t been drunk he would have said it had taken an excruciatingly long time for them to make their way back to his apartment and into bed, but as it was it just felt like slow minutes of kissing and moving against one another; of stuttering, stumbling motions punctuated with low laughter along the way.
…
The day they broke up was a week short of what would have been their two year anniversary. Aaron showed up at Spencer’s apartment at six in the morning, bags under his eyes and his mouth drawn into a tight line as he laid things out in overly neat, clean terms.
“We can’t do this,” Aaron said, “it isn’t fair to either of us.” For all that his words seemed unreasonable, Aaron seemed impossibly removed from the situation.
Spencer was still slightly bleary eyed from being woken up an hour early and guerilla attacked with information he wasn’t ready to process without at least a cup of coffee. “Are you breaking up with me?” He asked, and his voice was still raspy with sleep and laced with confusion.
“I’m sorry,” Aaron said, shifting his eyes away so he didn’t have to look at Spencer.
There was a long moment of silence before Spencer said, “Holy shit,” and let himself fall back against the counter, barely noticing the dig of the sharp formica edge against his skin. “Seriously?”
Aaron nodded without looking up at him and Spencer closed his eyes for a second, trying reconcile what was happening with his sleep-addled mind. They sat in silence for a few minutes before Spencer finally cleared his throat and said, “You’re an asshole, Hotch.”
Spencer was sure that the use of Aaron’s last name hadn’t escaped either of them, so he didn’t feel remotely sorry when Aaron said, “I hope this won’t affect our working relationship,” and he responded with, “Fuck you.”
…
The day after they broke up Spencer called in sick and spent eight hours reading back-to-back issues of the American Journal of Behavioral Medicine and eating popsicles. When Morgan called sometime during the afternoon he turned down the overly loud classic rock records he’d been playing long enough to fake a cough and claim he had tuberculosis and hang up.
They all knew he was faking anyway -- a self-proclamed diagnosis of highly improbable TB wouldn’t hurt him anymore.
Prentiss and JJ and Rossi each tried to reach him that afternoon.
Aaron didn’t call him once.
…
One week after they broke up Aaron cornered him in the coffee room and asked him if everything was all right.
‘You were everything to me, and now you’re gone,’ Spencer thought, but instead he nodded silently and sipped his drink before forcing a smile and saying, “Yeah, it’s okay.”
It would have been their two year anniversary, but he kept smiling anyway.
…
Six months into their relationship Aaron invited Spencer over for dinner, and Spencer and Jack and Aaron ate meatloaf and mashed potatoes and Spencer helped tuck Jack in.
Back in the kitchen, cleaning the dishes and bantering easily, Spencer made a stupid joke about physicists and Aaron pushed him against the counter and said, “I love you,” for the first time.
Spencer stared at him silently for a minute before smiling hesitantly and saying, “I love you, too.”
Hours later Aaron pressed kisses against the freckles that lined themselves in random, spotted sequences along Spencer’s sides and told Spencer all the things he loved about him. When Spencer rolled them over so he was straddling Aaron’s hips he smiled and told Aaron that it didn’t matter why, it just mattered that he did.
…
Three weeks and one day after they broke up Aaron didn’t show up for work. At approximately four p.m. Spencer received a phone call from a drunken, hiccuping Aaron who sounded like he had been crying.
Spencer sat at his desk and stared aimlessly at the clutter covering it for a few minutes before heading to Rossi’s office and stating that he was leaving early for personal reasons. Rossi looked at him knowingly and nodded, and twenty minutes later Spencer found himself leading a stumbling Aaron out of a seedy bar at four-thirty in the afternoon.
When he dropped Aaron off in front of his house fifteen minutes later Aaron leaned across the console and grabbed the front of Spencer’s shirt, pulling him in for a sloppy kiss. Spencer found himself torn between the slick slide of Aaron’s tongue against his bottom lip and the urge to pull back and punch Aaron as hard as he could. In the end it was the overwhelming taste of whiskey that won out, and he pulled away and wiped the back of his hand across his mouth.
Aaron licked his bottom lip quickly and looked at Spencer with astonishingly earnest eyes. “I love you,” Aaron said.
Spencer blinked a few times to hold back tears that he hadn’t realized were threatening to fall. “I know,” he said, looking out the window facing opposite of Aaron. “Get the fuck out.”
After a moment he heard the passenger side door open and the heavy, clambering movements of Aaron pulling himself out of the car. He waited until he saw Aaron step onto the sidewalk before he put the car in gear and drove off, forcing himself to keep his eyes on the road instead of looking back.
…
A year into their relationship Spencer gave Aaron everything, bearing his throat beneath the graze of Aaron’s teeth and whimpering something along the lines of ‘I love you so fucking much it hurts,’ but with less eloquence and more moaning.
Aaron smiled against his skin and bit down gently before working his lips against the skin until their was a faint mark. He didn’t say anything, but Spencer imagined that it was a response along the lines of ‘I fucking love you, too.’
…
Four weeks after they broke up Aaron asked Spencer out for a cup of coffee after work and Spencer accepted.
By the time he reached the coffee house Aaron was sitting at a table tucked back in the corner, fiddling nervously with the cup in front of him. Spencer sat down without ordering anything, and when Aaron looked up at him he raised his eyebrows and set his elbows on the table, silent and wary.
Aaron fiddled with a packet of sugar for a moment before he bit his bottom lip and looked up, eyes moist with what were maybe the beginnings of tears. “I’m so sorry,” he said. “I freaked out.” Spencer snorted and nodded his head slightly in agreement. “I never meant to hurt you,” Aaron said.
Spencer’s expression softened into a sad smile. “But you did,” he said.
“I’d give anything to take it all back,” Aaron said. “I’d give anything for a second chance.”
“Second chances don’t come that easily,” Spencer half-laughed.
Aaron closed his eyes and nodded. “I know,” he said quietly, “but that doesn’t stop me from wishing for one.”
They sat in awkward silence for a minute, and Spencer felt scared and a little sick to his stomach and like he was probably going to regret it but he still heard himself say, “Give me a reason.” Aaron looked up sharply, his eyes wide, and when he didn’t say anything Spencer cleared his throat and repeated himself. “Give me a reason. Tell me why I should give you another chance.”
Aaron swallowed hard and nodded. “I got scared. I don’t know- I’m not really sure… I got scared and I ran, and I don’t know why I did it but I’m so, so sorry.” He looked down at the table for a moment before continuing. “I’m more messed up than I realized, and then when I did it was just. Too much. And I freaked out.”
“I noticed that part,” Spencer said, but instead of coming out dry and sarcastic like he intended it just sounded sad. Spencer had kind of figured it was something like that, because there had to be something between ‘everything is perfect’ on Tuesday night and ‘I’m breaking up with you’ on Wednesday morning, and Spencer knew better than anyone how hard of a time Aaron had dealing with things.
Aaron ran a shaky hand through his hair and continued. “I’m still messed up and I’m still scared but I made a huge mistake, and I hurt you and that’s something that I never wanted to do.”
“I know that,” Spencer said softly.
“But I did it anyway, and I’m sorry.”
“I know that, too,” Spencer replied.
Aaron sighed and bit his lip. “I wish I knew what to say,” he whispered, “I know an apology doesn’t fix anything.”
Spencer reached across the table tentatively to cover Aaron’s hand with his own. “It’s a start,” he said, and the hesitant, hopeful smile Aaron gave him in response made him swallow hard, but he couldn’t help smile softly back.
…
Four weeks after they broke up Aaron kissed him just outside the front door of the coffee shop as they were leaving, and Spencer didn’t bother to look around them to check for people they might know, for people who might know who they were. “This doesn’t mean we’re okay,” Spencer said, but the way his fingers had worked their way under the back of Aaron’s coat belied him. “You’re still an insufferable asshole.”
Aaron blinked at him and nodded earnestly and Spencer smiled.
…
Two months after they broke up and one month after they got back together Aaron pushed Spencer back against the door of his bedroom with a harsh kiss and slid an unmistakable velvet box into Spencer’s hand.
“I got this two days before I broke up with you,” Aaron said when he pulled away, and then he laughed humorlessly. “It’s kind of why I freaked out on you in the first place.”
Spencer stared down at the box for a moment, rubbing his thumb over the lid absently while he thought about what everything inside of it meant. After a long silence he licked his bottom lip and looked up to meet Aaron’s gaze.
“I’m going to say yes when you ask,” he said, pressing the box back into Aaron’s hand, “but I want you to do it for the right reasons, at the right time.” When Aaron stared at him uncomprehendingly he smiled and kissed Aaron softly. “I love you, Aaron.”
Aaron looked at him questioningly before blinking heavily and whispering, “It might be a little while longer, then,” in a raspy, broken voice.
Spencer smiled clasped his hand over Aaron’s, intertwining their fingers. “I can wait.”
a/n: this is obviously not the ring/marriage fic that's been slowly torturing me to death. i don't even know what this actually is, to be honest, so lets call it an expression of my frustration with the world. or something. the end.
p.s. y'all this was written in past tense. an absolute first.