I awoke this morning
I awoke this morning to the sound of a little baby girl, but for some reason my mind moves in mysterious ways.
Chapter One
I awoke to the sound of one hand clapping.
It is a very distinctive sound. It is not, in any way, just like half the sound of two hands clapping, just as two hands clapping are not one-fiftieth of the sound of one-hundred hands clapping.
I quickly got out of my bed and headed towards the noise. It was late, and I wanted to get back to sleep, but I had to see what was going on. A light was on in the kitchen and when I got there I saw him. Buddha. In my kitchen. Making a snack.
His legs were in a perfect Lotus position, but of course they would be. Curled up like that he was as wide as he was tall. He floated in the air just in front of my refrigerator and he was rummaging through it. That annoyed me. Buddha had, through mediation and self discipline, evolved beyond desires, so I knew he didn’t actually desire any of the food he was taking, he was just getting a snack out of habit. I looked at the plate he was piling high with vegetables and rice.
Wow, I thought, look at all that rice. Eating all those carbs it was no wonder he was so round.
I turned and left as quickly as I had come.
They say ‘If you Meet the Buddha in the Road, Kill Him,’ but they don’t say what to do if you meet the Buddha in your kitchen. At first, I considered going back to my bedroom and getting my shotgun. Ever since last month’s incident with the Messiah in my basement, I kept the shotgun in my closet loaded with Messianic-piercing ammunition, but Buddha was from a non-Messianic religious tradition, so it would not work on him.
I do my best thinking in bed. I know, it seems funny, but when I have a problem, I will often sleep on it, or just have a lie down, usually with some good results. I often thought if I could take my bed to work with me I would be more productive, or at least better rested, but my boss won’t let me do it. So, off to bed I went to contemplate my current religious crisis.
The whole basement incident had ended poorly. I had gone online and bought the anti-Christ on eBay and then chucked him into the basement as well, and the reaction of Messiah with an equal and opposite amount of anti-Messiah… Well, it took me the better part of two weeks to clean up the mess. Anyway, this time I was determined to find a cleaner solution.
What did I know about Buddha? Buddha had been a prince. (As in ruler, not musician.) (Ruler as in king-like, not as in twelve inches.) He gave it all up to become a wandering monk and then, while sitting under a tree (instead of wandering), he became Enlightened. After that I think he became en-heavied, probably because he was doing less walking and a whole lot more sitting without changing his diet.
Enlightenment is a sort of “Ah-Ha!” moment, when you figure out the Truth about the nature of Life and All That, sort of like finding the right website after a long and frustrating Google search. So, since the nature of Enlightenment is understanding Truth and Knowledge, there is no anti-Buddha to throw around, no source of Ignorance to cast shadows in the Light.
Or maybe there was?
I got up. It took me only a moment to rummage through my closet and find my battery operated radio, and only a little while longer to find the station I needed. Turning the volume up loud and holding the radio in front of me like a talisman, I walked quickly back to the kitchen.
Buddha heard the radio and screamed. He dropped his plate, spilling rice all over the floor. He unfolded his legs like a large blimp extending landing gear. He danced, he tried various poses: Happy Buddha, Sitting Buddha. He finally tried a pose I saw more often on monkey statues; that of Hear No Evil. Even with the fingers in his ears it was no use. Finally, he shifted to Traveling Buddha pose, left my kitchen and ran out the front door into the street, where I am sure someone met him on the road and killed him.
I doubted I would see him again, but just in case I left the radio playing. As I cleaned up the food from my floor I had to laugh in spite of the mess as the show continued and I heard the voice of Rush Limbaugh complain about the nature of the universe. Yes, I had found a source of Ignorance to drive out Enlightenment.
Chapter Two:
Today was nothing special. I got up and went to the bathroom, did my usual stuff and then went to get my first cup of coffee of the morning. As I said, nothing special about today, it just happened to be the day I ran into a God in my kitchen. He was a tall God, very thin, and he wore a hat that was a royal shade of blue on one side and a vibrant red on the other. I walked in and picked up a mug from the sink, turned around and there He was at the breakfast table, His feet propped up on the chair next to Him and He was reading yesterdays newspaper.
“Can I help you?” I asked the God. I know God helps those who help themselves, but I was getting tired of all these Gods helping themselves to my stuff.
“You know, it isn’t REALLY your stuff.” He said, showing off his ability to read minds, “Take that cup in your hands, for instance. It was dirt long before you were born. Someone turned that dirt into ceramic and the ceramic into a cup. You have the cup, you use the cup, but when you have passed on into your next life, that cup will still be here and eventually it will transform back into the dirt it was. So, you don’t really own the cup, you are just borrowing it, from the dirt.”
I looked at him. “So,” I said, showing off my ability to read, well, blatantly obvious hints, “What you are saying is, you would like a cup of coffee as well.”
“Why, yes please.” He said with a smile. He was a pleasant looking fellow with strong white teeth and mixed features complimenting his friendly face.
I started to clean a second cup for the God with the Two Color Hat when who should roll into my kitchen but a burning bush. Okay, it looked more like a flaming tumble-weed then anything really awe inspiring, but it rolled into my kitchen and began making Demands.
“My Name is I AM” He intoned, “And Thou Shall Serve No Other Gods Before Me!”
Great, I thought, a Monotheistic God. You can always spot the monotheistic Gods because they don’t know about sharing or taking turns. Gods, unfortunately, are a lot like children, and they don’t learn social skills very well in isolation. (Oh, and by the way, the Greek Gods didn’t exactly play well together. I think they were a bunch of monotheist Gods who met up in group therapy and decided to hang out on Olympus afterwards.)
I was trying to figure out how to politely tell the bush that The God with the Two Color Hat had asked first and that the bush could wait His turn or roll off until He learned some manners, but fortunately I was saved from this trouble because then into my kitchen walked the God I Made. What, you ask, YOU made a God? Well, of COURSE I did, we all do. Man makes Gods in their own image! How else can a bigoted chauvinistic old man and a liberal and loving young woman both say truthfully that God is on their side? Alas, most people get confused by this and end up thinking that the God they made is actually the 'One True God' ™ ® © and basically monotheistically worshipping themselves. Most people really don’t need churches; they just need to pray to mirrors so they can sit around self satisfied that they are right.
It finally made sense to me now why I AM and The God with the Two Color Hat were in my kitchen, especially so bloody early in the morning. The God I Made had invited them over for a play date! He was just arriving now, or course, even though they had probably been here a while.
See, another problem with Gods is that they exist outside the linear-time universe that you and I live in (well, at least I usually do, I don’t know about you) so they are often dealing with things phenomenally early or very very late by our standards. This can lead to some very confusing prophecies or less then helpful insights and solutions. On a practical level it means that if you have a date to see a movie with a God you will probably end up at the very least missing the previews.
The God I Made helped me make four cups of coffee and together we were able to serve I AM and The God with the Two Color Hat at exactly the same time, thus neither one before the other. After that the three Gods went off to Move in Mysterious Ways and I was able to drink my coffee and read my morning paper in peace.
The End (in a linear time sense…)
Chapter One
I awoke to the sound of one hand clapping.
It is a very distinctive sound. It is not, in any way, just like half the sound of two hands clapping, just as two hands clapping are not one-fiftieth of the sound of one-hundred hands clapping.
I quickly got out of my bed and headed towards the noise. It was late, and I wanted to get back to sleep, but I had to see what was going on. A light was on in the kitchen and when I got there I saw him. Buddha. In my kitchen. Making a snack.
His legs were in a perfect Lotus position, but of course they would be. Curled up like that he was as wide as he was tall. He floated in the air just in front of my refrigerator and he was rummaging through it. That annoyed me. Buddha had, through mediation and self discipline, evolved beyond desires, so I knew he didn’t actually desire any of the food he was taking, he was just getting a snack out of habit. I looked at the plate he was piling high with vegetables and rice.
Wow, I thought, look at all that rice. Eating all those carbs it was no wonder he was so round.
I turned and left as quickly as I had come.
They say ‘If you Meet the Buddha in the Road, Kill Him,’ but they don’t say what to do if you meet the Buddha in your kitchen. At first, I considered going back to my bedroom and getting my shotgun. Ever since last month’s incident with the Messiah in my basement, I kept the shotgun in my closet loaded with Messianic-piercing ammunition, but Buddha was from a non-Messianic religious tradition, so it would not work on him.
I do my best thinking in bed. I know, it seems funny, but when I have a problem, I will often sleep on it, or just have a lie down, usually with some good results. I often thought if I could take my bed to work with me I would be more productive, or at least better rested, but my boss won’t let me do it. So, off to bed I went to contemplate my current religious crisis.
The whole basement incident had ended poorly. I had gone online and bought the anti-Christ on eBay and then chucked him into the basement as well, and the reaction of Messiah with an equal and opposite amount of anti-Messiah… Well, it took me the better part of two weeks to clean up the mess. Anyway, this time I was determined to find a cleaner solution.
What did I know about Buddha? Buddha had been a prince. (As in ruler, not musician.) (Ruler as in king-like, not as in twelve inches.) He gave it all up to become a wandering monk and then, while sitting under a tree (instead of wandering), he became Enlightened. After that I think he became en-heavied, probably because he was doing less walking and a whole lot more sitting without changing his diet.
Enlightenment is a sort of “Ah-Ha!” moment, when you figure out the Truth about the nature of Life and All That, sort of like finding the right website after a long and frustrating Google search. So, since the nature of Enlightenment is understanding Truth and Knowledge, there is no anti-Buddha to throw around, no source of Ignorance to cast shadows in the Light.
Or maybe there was?
I got up. It took me only a moment to rummage through my closet and find my battery operated radio, and only a little while longer to find the station I needed. Turning the volume up loud and holding the radio in front of me like a talisman, I walked quickly back to the kitchen.
Buddha heard the radio and screamed. He dropped his plate, spilling rice all over the floor. He unfolded his legs like a large blimp extending landing gear. He danced, he tried various poses: Happy Buddha, Sitting Buddha. He finally tried a pose I saw more often on monkey statues; that of Hear No Evil. Even with the fingers in his ears it was no use. Finally, he shifted to Traveling Buddha pose, left my kitchen and ran out the front door into the street, where I am sure someone met him on the road and killed him.
I doubted I would see him again, but just in case I left the radio playing. As I cleaned up the food from my floor I had to laugh in spite of the mess as the show continued and I heard the voice of Rush Limbaugh complain about the nature of the universe. Yes, I had found a source of Ignorance to drive out Enlightenment.
Chapter Two:
Today was nothing special. I got up and went to the bathroom, did my usual stuff and then went to get my first cup of coffee of the morning. As I said, nothing special about today, it just happened to be the day I ran into a God in my kitchen. He was a tall God, very thin, and he wore a hat that was a royal shade of blue on one side and a vibrant red on the other. I walked in and picked up a mug from the sink, turned around and there He was at the breakfast table, His feet propped up on the chair next to Him and He was reading yesterdays newspaper.
“Can I help you?” I asked the God. I know God helps those who help themselves, but I was getting tired of all these Gods helping themselves to my stuff.
“You know, it isn’t REALLY your stuff.” He said, showing off his ability to read minds, “Take that cup in your hands, for instance. It was dirt long before you were born. Someone turned that dirt into ceramic and the ceramic into a cup. You have the cup, you use the cup, but when you have passed on into your next life, that cup will still be here and eventually it will transform back into the dirt it was. So, you don’t really own the cup, you are just borrowing it, from the dirt.”
I looked at him. “So,” I said, showing off my ability to read, well, blatantly obvious hints, “What you are saying is, you would like a cup of coffee as well.”
“Why, yes please.” He said with a smile. He was a pleasant looking fellow with strong white teeth and mixed features complimenting his friendly face.
I started to clean a second cup for the God with the Two Color Hat when who should roll into my kitchen but a burning bush. Okay, it looked more like a flaming tumble-weed then anything really awe inspiring, but it rolled into my kitchen and began making Demands.
“My Name is I AM” He intoned, “And Thou Shall Serve No Other Gods Before Me!”
Great, I thought, a Monotheistic God. You can always spot the monotheistic Gods because they don’t know about sharing or taking turns. Gods, unfortunately, are a lot like children, and they don’t learn social skills very well in isolation. (Oh, and by the way, the Greek Gods didn’t exactly play well together. I think they were a bunch of monotheist Gods who met up in group therapy and decided to hang out on Olympus afterwards.)
I was trying to figure out how to politely tell the bush that The God with the Two Color Hat had asked first and that the bush could wait His turn or roll off until He learned some manners, but fortunately I was saved from this trouble because then into my kitchen walked the God I Made. What, you ask, YOU made a God? Well, of COURSE I did, we all do. Man makes Gods in their own image! How else can a bigoted chauvinistic old man and a liberal and loving young woman both say truthfully that God is on their side? Alas, most people get confused by this and end up thinking that the God they made is actually the 'One True God' ™ ® © and basically monotheistically worshipping themselves. Most people really don’t need churches; they just need to pray to mirrors so they can sit around self satisfied that they are right.
It finally made sense to me now why I AM and The God with the Two Color Hat were in my kitchen, especially so bloody early in the morning. The God I Made had invited them over for a play date! He was just arriving now, or course, even though they had probably been here a while.
See, another problem with Gods is that they exist outside the linear-time universe that you and I live in (well, at least I usually do, I don’t know about you) so they are often dealing with things phenomenally early or very very late by our standards. This can lead to some very confusing prophecies or less then helpful insights and solutions. On a practical level it means that if you have a date to see a movie with a God you will probably end up at the very least missing the previews.
The God I Made helped me make four cups of coffee and together we were able to serve I AM and The God with the Two Color Hat at exactly the same time, thus neither one before the other. After that the three Gods went off to Move in Mysterious Ways and I was able to drink my coffee and read my morning paper in peace.
The End (in a linear time sense…)