FIC: Freeway

[travelincognito]

Title: Freeway (Part Two. Part one is here.)
Rating: R.
Mood:Enamoured
Disclaimer: Not mine
Summary: The continuing adventures of Bart and Tim in AU-land.

Tim doesn't have to wear a robe today. He almost feels like doing a victory dance. Of course, he doesn't. He does remember the concept of dignity. Bart seems to forget it for a moment however,

Comments

[museofspeed]

This was cute.

One thing, though, your dialog was a little hard to follow.

For instance:

"Up to a bath?" Tim moans softly.

"If you carry me there." Bart smiles.

This sounds like Tim moans, "Up to a bath?" and Bart answers, "If you carry me there," and smiles. But later it seems like it's actually Tim who is being carried. I noticed you having a little bit of trouble with dialog tags throughout the work. As a general rule of thumb, putting the name of the person who is speaking makes things clearer. Start a new line if you want to describe the actions of the other person. Did that make sense?

[travelincognito]

I'm glad you thought it cute, and thanks for pointing out the dialog thing. I went back over it, and it really is confusing there. I've changed it now, and I'll make sure to watch for that in the future.

Thanks again!