Distracted
So I came here to write about my werid weekend and I ended up getting celebrity distracted. The piece about the Kiwi law students doing a parody of some nasty song about women-- the law students' parody was pulled from YouTube but the celebrity nasty piece stays. Ain't that just the way it is?
Now I do want to get to this strange blur of events that constituted a string of what now appear to be poor decisions on my part. Poor decision number 1, deciding to drive to the beach alone in the car. This was not supposed to have been in the dark, any of it, but I had no idea that my eyes, after the sun goes down, stop favoring my good eye and start acting like my eyes are created equal. Which makes for a sort of sharp image in the middle (minus the astigmatism) and a fuzzy wuzzy blur of light surrounding it. And then my operated eye got tired. So I put on my glasses, which was even worse. This went on for about an hour or so, through unpopulated North Carolina, turning roads, cars with headlights coming coming coming...so I have to focus on the side line just not to get totally blinded. And they pass, and then I get a little respite, and then another one comes.
I probably should have been terrified. My words to Heartsong came back to me, "...a danger to myself and others..." But nowhere to stop, really. No one to call, really. Just keep going like a drunk driver who KNOWS she ain't right, but there IS nowhere but the destination, so pay attention and just get there, you can have feelings about this later.
Interlude of wild loveliness. Sand, walking on the beach, sound of the waves, walking out into an ocean warm warm perfectly warm, food, talk, reading, talk and talk, good friends, gin and tonic that didn't make me sneeze, sleeping well, walking, key lime pie. Watching Jean-Francois turning happy happy in the surf as he swims and I remember he was a swimmer in his youth. How do we lose stuff like that? We could fill our lives with stuff we love. Why don't we?
Indeed. Sunday came and I started thinking about the drive home and my partial blindness. I asked Susie what way they go home, somewhere near us? Because it would be nice to have company even in two cars, just to make sure I don't go through that lonely blind feeling. But they don't go that way, so I decided -- another one of my bad decisions -- to cut my visit short a day and come home with JF on his motorcycle and me in my car, just to have that backup.
Hindsight: Caryn and Carl are coming home today and are in one car. One of them could have driven my car, I could have stayed the full time I had planned. We'd have seen them...because we knew they were there, we knew Bonne and David were there, but it was so weirdly hard to all get together. I had a think about why that was, and it occurred to me that we get into BEACH mode, staying in our house, walking across the street to the beach, walking back to eat or read or nap, walking back to the beach. It's like we're hypnotized by the sound of the waves and don't feel all that social, even though later we know we're more social than we were acting. It's just a beach thang.
More hindsight: Bonnie and David's daughter Laure needed a ride to Raleigh, so far from the beach, and I could have driven with her today instead of coming home with JF yesterday. If I'd known. If I'd called. Or visited or gotten out of my beach thang.
And then came the ride back yesterday. Hot. Yes. My air-conditioning in the car passable. Listening to Radio Lab. Doing a kind of dance with my iPhone so I get to the next podcast without having always to pass by Alan Watts, who I love but the phone keeps playing the same podcasts over and over and over. Is THAT why I missed the turn? How could I miss the turn? I don't know the way home...we don't go to the beach all that often. But I thought I was actually looking for it.
I wasn't using the iPhone talking map thing, I was going on the printed-out directions, which are clearly inadaquate for a semi-blind person. That was another poor decision. I don't like the way the talking map interrupts and plays over the podcast or story I'm listening to. So many silly, stupid flaws...
The Universe does not like silly, stupid flaws. Or rather, the Universe doesn't give a damn, but you don't get to escape the consequences. Which is that when I realized we were on the wrong road, it was nearly Charlotte and about 60 miles West of where we should have turned and an hour and a half from home.
Which put us on the road for the torrential rain. And nightfall, which occurred just as we were approaching High Point. Which meant again that I was on the road under conditions that should have seen me OFF the road.
I'm not even talking about Jean-Francois' reaction(s) to the whole situation. Or my projection of what seemed to be his reaction into my own well of lost plots. Old stories revived and relived. Resentment. Frustration. NOT rolling with the punches. Me and him. Him and me. Where is the travel adventure mentality when you really need it? Somewhere back before cataract surgery and somewhere beyond it. No doubt.
Shit. Just when you think you have achieved a modicum of enlightenment, WHAP, right upside the head. You ain't there yet, sister. Just keep your eyes open and stop grinning at yourself in the mirror. You ain't all that.
Now I do want to get to this strange blur of events that constituted a string of what now appear to be poor decisions on my part. Poor decision number 1, deciding to drive to the beach alone in the car. This was not supposed to have been in the dark, any of it, but I had no idea that my eyes, after the sun goes down, stop favoring my good eye and start acting like my eyes are created equal. Which makes for a sort of sharp image in the middle (minus the astigmatism) and a fuzzy wuzzy blur of light surrounding it. And then my operated eye got tired. So I put on my glasses, which was even worse. This went on for about an hour or so, through unpopulated North Carolina, turning roads, cars with headlights coming coming coming...so I have to focus on the side line just not to get totally blinded. And they pass, and then I get a little respite, and then another one comes.
I probably should have been terrified. My words to Heartsong came back to me, "...a danger to myself and others..." But nowhere to stop, really. No one to call, really. Just keep going like a drunk driver who KNOWS she ain't right, but there IS nowhere but the destination, so pay attention and just get there, you can have feelings about this later.
Interlude of wild loveliness. Sand, walking on the beach, sound of the waves, walking out into an ocean warm warm perfectly warm, food, talk, reading, talk and talk, good friends, gin and tonic that didn't make me sneeze, sleeping well, walking, key lime pie. Watching Jean-Francois turning happy happy in the surf as he swims and I remember he was a swimmer in his youth. How do we lose stuff like that? We could fill our lives with stuff we love. Why don't we?
Indeed. Sunday came and I started thinking about the drive home and my partial blindness. I asked Susie what way they go home, somewhere near us? Because it would be nice to have company even in two cars, just to make sure I don't go through that lonely blind feeling. But they don't go that way, so I decided -- another one of my bad decisions -- to cut my visit short a day and come home with JF on his motorcycle and me in my car, just to have that backup.
Hindsight: Caryn and Carl are coming home today and are in one car. One of them could have driven my car, I could have stayed the full time I had planned. We'd have seen them...because we knew they were there, we knew Bonne and David were there, but it was so weirdly hard to all get together. I had a think about why that was, and it occurred to me that we get into BEACH mode, staying in our house, walking across the street to the beach, walking back to eat or read or nap, walking back to the beach. It's like we're hypnotized by the sound of the waves and don't feel all that social, even though later we know we're more social than we were acting. It's just a beach thang.
More hindsight: Bonnie and David's daughter Laure needed a ride to Raleigh, so far from the beach, and I could have driven with her today instead of coming home with JF yesterday. If I'd known. If I'd called. Or visited or gotten out of my beach thang.
And then came the ride back yesterday. Hot. Yes. My air-conditioning in the car passable. Listening to Radio Lab. Doing a kind of dance with my iPhone so I get to the next podcast without having always to pass by Alan Watts, who I love but the phone keeps playing the same podcasts over and over and over. Is THAT why I missed the turn? How could I miss the turn? I don't know the way home...we don't go to the beach all that often. But I thought I was actually looking for it.
I wasn't using the iPhone talking map thing, I was going on the printed-out directions, which are clearly inadaquate for a semi-blind person. That was another poor decision. I don't like the way the talking map interrupts and plays over the podcast or story I'm listening to. So many silly, stupid flaws...
The Universe does not like silly, stupid flaws. Or rather, the Universe doesn't give a damn, but you don't get to escape the consequences. Which is that when I realized we were on the wrong road, it was nearly Charlotte and about 60 miles West of where we should have turned and an hour and a half from home.
Which put us on the road for the torrential rain. And nightfall, which occurred just as we were approaching High Point. Which meant again that I was on the road under conditions that should have seen me OFF the road.
I'm not even talking about Jean-Francois' reaction(s) to the whole situation. Or my projection of what seemed to be his reaction into my own well of lost plots. Old stories revived and relived. Resentment. Frustration. NOT rolling with the punches. Me and him. Him and me. Where is the travel adventure mentality when you really need it? Somewhere back before cataract surgery and somewhere beyond it. No doubt.
Shit. Just when you think you have achieved a modicum of enlightenment, WHAP, right upside the head. You ain't there yet, sister. Just keep your eyes open and stop grinning at yourself in the mirror. You ain't all that.