Yes, this ff will be finished. Eventually.
Title:When I disappear Chapter 10.1
Author: traumschwinge
Wordcount: 3800+
Characters: Gilbert, Roderich, Elizabetha
Fandom: Axis Powers: Hetalia
Rating: PG
Summary: Roderich has a good day.
Gilbert was standing at the window and peered outside. He felt on edge, even though he hadn't seen anything suspicious the past few days. Granted, he had only seen anything he could call suspicious once in the past week, but he still had to do something to justify staying at home before himself. Watching the street has proven itself to be the best. Especially after Roderich had made it clear that he didn't like having a nervous policeman sitting next to him all day. Or even in the same room for that matter.
With a sigh, Gilbert let go of the curtain and took a step away from the window. There was no point watching the street when it was as empty as this. Maybe Vargas had given up on relying on a bad spy. Following the thought, he wondered if they would find a John Doe anytime soon. Or - and that thought stung a bit - he had achieved what he had hoped to achieve in giving Gilbert a reason to stay home, away from work. He really hoped this wasn't true.
“Are you done spying?” Roderich asked, glancing up from the e-reader Ludwig had lent him. Even though Gilbert didn't say so out loud he was glad his brother had. Finally, they had found something that Roderich seemed to enjoy doing. From what Ludwig had told him, Gilbert knew Roderich was reading himself through everything on the device.
“For now,” Gilbert admitted reluctantly. He returned to the couch and let himself drop on it, his arms crossed. Almost never going out - he had promised his boss to stay out of view for the time he took off - made him restless. And he grew more restless every day. This was unproductive to no end and knowing that Vargas was out there plotting and doing as he pleased without Gilbert himself on his heels.
Roderich shrugged. He had grown used to this behavior. It was just like Gilbert had behaved for the last two days. He could be sure Gilbert would get up again in a few minutes, either to pace up and down like a caged animal or resume his watch post at the window. He returned his attention to the device in his hand.
“I just wished I could go out,” Gilbert sighed. “You know, more than short trips to the bakery or the supermarket. But...” He didn't want to leave Roderich on his own, not after Ludwig had spotted a spy outside their house, and Gilbert had been able to confirm this a day later. The week staying at home had started getting to him, but it wasn't something he couldn't bear. Not, when he thought he was doing this for Roderich's sake.
Roderich sighed, putting the e-reader down. They had had this conversation the day before and the day before that. But instead of saying what he usually said - “You know, you could go out alone?” - he suggested, “We could ask Elizabeta to meet with us.”
Gilbert looked at him - he just hoped it wasn't as dumbfounded as he felt. “Really?” he asked, just to make sure. He had expected anything but Roderich proposing to meet with anyone, not even with Elizabeta. He knew the two of them had talked over the phone once or twice during the past week. Gilbert hadn't dared to listen on them, but they had talked for quite a while, more than an hour at least. It had done Roderich a world of good, from what Gilbert could tell.
“Really,” Roderich said, nodding. He even tried to smile. “I would like to see her.” He took a deep breath and was about to say something. But then, he sighed and pressed his lips together.
Gilbert raised an eyebrow. “What was that?” he asked. “The thing you didn't say. I didn't catch it.” He grinned. Teasing, he had learned, sometimes worked with Roderich. At other times, it at least made him react. And right now, Gilbert really was interested in what Roderich had wanted to say before he stopped himself.
The only answer he got was a shaking of Roderich's head. “It's nothing,” he sighed. For a while, neither of them said anything. Gilbert, because he wanted to hear what Roderich had to say and didn't want to push too much. He assumed Roderich was keeping silent because he didn't know if he really wanted to say out loud what he had been thinking.
“Maybe, I don't know, if it works...” Roderich stammered, looking down at his hands. “We could try … Maybe, you know, meeting her at … her place? Or even...” He sighed, his voice trailing off as he lost the confidence to go on. All he could do was shrug helplessly and hope for Gilbert to understand what he meant, despite all the babbling on his part.
“You want to go out?” Gilbert asked. He had to ask. It was hard to believe what he had heard or what he had thought to hear. It was Roderich who had said it after all. Roderich who flinched when he walked past a window and happened to glance outside.
Roderich raised his shoulders in defense and then let them drop again. “I don't know,” he sighed. “Maybe. If it works, yes. But I just don't know.” He sighed. “I'm afraid of going outside,” he murmured as if that was a secret he decided to confine to Gilbert. “I feel even more vulnerable and watched there. Like …” He sighed.
Gilbert nodded. He understood. “Don't go on,” he said, smiling. “I know, okay? We'll try. If it works, we'll see where we meet Elizabeta. Either at hers or at a cafe, depending on what you feel comfortable with. If it doesn't works, I'll ask Elizabeta to come over. All right?” He took Roderich's hand in his and squeezed it lightly. “Don't push yourself.”
Roderich smiled briefly without raising his head. “Thank you,” he said. “I won't.” He sounded confident but Gilbert had learned to look behind the facade Roderich had gradually put up during the last few days. Ludwig considered this a good sign for Roderich's recovery. Gilbert wasn't that sure, but he simply hoped for the best.
“So, should we try it right now?” Gilbert asked. He refrained from clapping his hands together. Loud noises scared Roderich a lot, Gilbert had learned. Loud cursing was all right, as long as it didn't happen in the room Roderich was present. But no slamming of doors or sudden clapping. Gilbert smiled encouragingly. “While you still feel like trying.”
To his surprise, Roderich nodded. He didn't look happy, but he nodded. Gilbert would have called the look on his face determined, at best. Roderich still pressed his lips together, still stared at the floor in front of him. “You will be there all the time, right?” he whispered, barely audible.
Gilbert squeezed the hand again. “Of course,” he said, smiling encouragingly. “If you want me to, I'll even hold your hand all the time. I'll be there. And I'll watch out for you.” He meant it.
After taking a deep breath, Roderich stood up. Gilbert did so as well, noticing that the other man was shaking lightly. He didn't let go of the hand he was holding. As long as Roderich let him, he would hold onto him. Just to make sure the man he wanted to show his support to knew he was there. No matter what, he would help him. Whatever that would mean for him to do, everything necessary would be done.
They walked to the front door in silence. There, they stood a moment or two. Gilbert waited for Roderich to make the first move towards the door. Which never came. Gilbert half suspected that Roderich had lost his courage. But he didn't want him to give up just now. So, Gilbert asked, “Do you want me to open the door for you?”
For a moment, Roderich seemed ready to run from the mere thought of opening the door. Then, he straightened up visibly, before replying, “Yes, please.” His voice shook, but Gilbert decided to ignore that. He didn't want to put more pressure on him than he already must be feeling. Instead, without letting go of Roderich's hand, Gilbert unlocked the door - he didn't feel well when the door wasn't locked - and slowly opened it.
“How are you feeling?” he asked, when the both of them were looking outside through the open door. “Still all right?” He was really worried about Roderich. The wish to go outside had been sudden, Gilbert understood that. Even looking outside, without anything between him and the world was a step to normality with Roderich.
And Roderich looked like he was too shocked to even consider running. He still nodded. “All right,” he said, even though he said it through clenched teeth. He took a slow, reluctant step forward, towards the open door and the outside world.
Gilbert bit his lips. He really wanted this to work out. But just as much he wanted Roderich not to push himself too much, not too far in a direction he didn't want to go. He didn't dare to question the determination Roderich was currently displaying. It did scare him a bit.
He followed Roderich to the doorstep. With every step, they covered less space and took longer breaks in between. Gilbert stayed by Roderich's side, waiting for the other man to take the next step. More than once, he was close to calling it a day. He didn't like the way all color had vanished from Roderich's face, the way his hands were getting more and more sweaty the closer they got to the threshold. It were only a handful steps but it took them what felt like an eternity to cover.
When they had finally reached the doorstep, Roderich leaned against the frame, breathing heavily. “Would you,” he said, struggling for breath. “Would you go first?”
Gilbert sighed. “Of course,” he said. What he rather wanted to say was something on the line of this being enough excitement for one day and that he would call Elizabeta over. Instead, he let go of Roderich's shaking, sweaty hand as he stepped outside.
He turned around with a smile on his face and encouraging words on his tongue, just to see that Roderich was crying, his hands now both clinging to the door frame like it was his anchor and only protection.
Within a second, the smile had not even fully dropped from Gilbert's face, he was by Roderich's side, stroking his arm and whispering soothing words. He felt so helpless. He didn't even know what to do and even if he had, waiting was probably the best option. So he waited, whispering things like “It's all right, I'm right here, we can go if you want.” and petting Roderich's shaking frame.
Minutes passed, the silence between them only interrupted but Roderich's more or less quiet sobs. “Let's get back inside,” Roderich finally whimpered. “I can't do this. Not today, at least.” He shook worse than ever.
Gilbert nodded. He helped Roderich to get back on his feet again and steadied him as they walked back inside. The door was kicked shut behind them. He steered Roderich to the couch, where they sat down, Gilbert's arm wrapped around Roderich and holding him close.
“I'll tell Elizabeta to come here,” Gilbert sighed. It could have worked, he told himself, unable to believe it.
点点点
Elizabeta arrived half an hour later. Gilbert was glad she hadn't been busy when he called. Even though he was confident that he could handle Roderich on his own, he had to admit that Elizabeta was better at consoling him. But only barely. They had made some progress in their relationship lately, after all. Or at least Gilbert really hoped so. It would be a nice little revenge on Vargas if Roderich recovered again. This thought kept him going when all his well-minding was used up after a long boring day at home with nothing but Roderich's company.
The sound of the doorbell ringing caused Roderich to jump a little in Gilbert's arms, but it wasn't anything Gilbert needed to worry about. He had almost jumped himself at the sudden noise. “Door's open!” Gilbert shouted. Even though it would only mean some more seconds in which he could hold Roderich close, he didn't want to cut it unnecessarily short.
The bell rang again. “Open!” Gilbert repeated, covering Roderich's ear closer to his mouth with a hand.
“I noticed that, moron,” Elizabeta yelled back. “I still want you to get your ass to the door. I got both my hands full.” Gilbert looked at Roderich who simply shrugged. So he had no idea either what Elizabeta could have her hands full with. “How long do you intend to keep me waiting?” Elizabeta then already yelled again. “Open the god damn door.”
Gilbert rolled his eyes, but he pushed himself off the couch none the less. He hated to let go of Roderich but the latter followed him to the door, which he took as a positive sign. On the other hand, it might just mean that Roderich didn't want to be left behind on his own or was eager to see Elizabeta. Either way, it was better than letting go of him completely, Gilbert decided as he took Roderich's hand.
Much to Gilbert's surprise, he found that Elizabeta actually had her hands full when he opened the door. Roderich had decided to hide behind him, but the way Elizabeta smiled at something behind Gilbert at least peering over his shoulder. “Hey there,” Elizabeta beamed at Roderich. The only greeting Gilbert reachieved was having shoved two big bags of groceries shoved into his arms.
“What's this?” Gilbert asked. He didn't like being ignored, but being ignored and treated like a servant at the same time was definitely worse. “Do you think we're starving?” Why the hell had she brought two bags of groceries with her?
Elizabeta turned back at him and gave him a long look up and down. Her eyes clearly said that she could be tempted to think so looking at the two of them. It wasn't like Gilbert didn't know he was thin, even too thin sometimes. “I thought I bring you guys something to do instead of just visiting,” she said with a smile. “But I didn't know what - if you had anything there for my needs, so I brought everything. Well, the ingredients at least, I hope you have bowls and a mixer.”
Gilbert retrieved a glass of cherries from one of the bags. “What are you planning?” he asked. It looked like she wanted to bake or cook, but you couldn't be too sure, he decided. Still, he walked into the kitchen - the bags had started to get heavy - sure both of them would follow him.
“Making Donauwelle,” Elizabeta said. She watched Gilbert unpacking the ingredients on the counter, neatly arranging everything for a second before she turned back to Roderich and took both his hands into hers. “You would like this, right?”
When a small smile appeared around the corners of Roderich's mouth, Gilbert's heart leaped a bit. He wasn't sure if he wanted to hug or punch Elizabeta for that. Maybe both. “It's a lovely idea, dear,” Roderich said, making Gilbert's want to hug Elizabeta disappear. But then, Roderich turned to Gilbert. “I mean, it's good, if it's all right with you, Gilbert. It's your kitchen after all.”
Gilbert rolled his eyes. As if he would forbid anything that could make Roderich smile again. “Actually, it's Lud's,” he said, looking around in the cabinets for a bowl or - hopefully - more than one. “I just have the right to access the fridge now and then.” He laughed. “But as long as we keep it clean, there shouldn't be any problems.” Ha, there, he had found three plastic bowls stacked into each other and even a sieve on top of that. He put all of that on the counter to the ingredients.
“Good,” Elizabeta decided. She rolled up her sleeves and went over to the sink, taking the bowls and the sieve with her to wash them and her hands. Roderich took a tea towel to dry the bowls afterward, standing a bit closer to her than necessary for that. When they were done, he washed his hands as well.
By then, Gilbert had found everything he thought they would need. He really hoped he hadn't forgotten anything. “I hope you know the recipe,” he murmured. He had no idea how baking worked, except for Christmas cookies and the occasional pizza.
“I do,” Roderich said, before Elizabeta could even answer. “I used to …” He gulped. “I used to bake a lot and this was always one of my favorites.” He explained, his voice shaking only so lightly. “But I'm sure I still know how to do this.” He looked at Gilbert with a confidence that he hadn't thought possible.
“Okay, then tell us what to do,” Gilbert smiled. You got to hand it to Elizabeta, she sometimes had pretty good ideas.
“Drain the cherries, but catch the juice,” Roderich said, already rearranging the ingredients to his liking. He held up the rum Elizabeta had brought. “Why didn't you by the cheapest?” he asked. He put the bottle down again. Instead, he put the butter, eggs and sugar closer to the biggest of the bowls.
“I thought, this way we could drink some of the leftovers,” Elizabeta said. She leaned against the counter and waited for Roderich to tell her what to do.
And Roderich did tell her and Gilbert as well. He had still been unsure at first, carefully weighting butter and sugar into the bowl. But the longer he baked, the surer he got. His orders came out more confident by the time they put the cake in the oven and started with the topping.
Gilbert was baffled, to say the least. He had half expected that baking together should work with Roderich - it had been Elizabeta's idea after all and she did know him better than anyone - but he would never have thought it would go this well. He was like a different person - maybe the one he had been before he had met Vargas. Gilbert found himself thinking that he would've liked to met Roderich back then, just as much as he enjoyed being with him now, even though he was a source of constant worry to him.
“You really like baking, huh?” Gilbert remarked as he watched Roderich making the topping for the cake. Roderich nodded without looking up from the bowl. “Why didn't you say so?” Gilbert sighed.
“I didn't want to be more of a burden than I already am,” Roderich whispered softly. As far as Gilbert could tell, he wasn't shaking at all, looking more content than ever before.
Gilbert rolled his eyes. “How often do I have to tell you that you aren't a burden at all?” Then, he smiled brightly. “And besides, letting you bake means cake.” He sniffed. “Delicious cake from the smell of it.”
Roderich shook his head, his cheeks slightly pink. “It really is nothing,” he murmured, concentrating more closely on what he was doing.
点点点
“I wish I could taste a piece just now,” Elizabeta sighed. They were done baking - and, astonishing enough, cleaning the kitchen - and now sitting in the living room, a cup of coffee in front of each of them. “It smells so good and the look of it and …” She let out another exasperated sigh. “I just wish I could have a bite now.”
Roderich laughed. “You can't,” he said, smiling. “You have to wait until the chocolate has cooled. It's only half as good before.” He was holding his cup in both hands, nursing at it from time to time, warming either his hands or simply needing something to hold on. Gilbert couldn't tell either way.
Elizabeta huffed. “Oh well,” she said. “Too bad.” She glanced at the clock, like she had done some times before. “But I'll have to leave soon. I promised...” She blushed, shooting Gilbert a quick glance that meant to shut him up. “I promised to be home for dinner.” She concluded.
Despite what she might have expected, Roderich smiled. “That's wonderful,” he said warmly. “How is he?” He sounded eager to hear about him. Gilbert would have loved to hear about Elizabeta's boy friend as well. He just wasn't sure if Roderich truly wanted to touch the topic, as he edged a bit closer towards Gilbert when he spoke.
“Tall and really good-looking,” she smiled. “I mean, he's a real hunk. Definitely not your type and totally straight. I think I got lucky this time. I could stare into his dark eyes for almost all eternity, well, if he would let me at least ...” Gilbert rolled his eyes. He had no intention to listening to this girly kind of babble. But Roderich seemed to be genuinely interested in Elizabeta's love life, so he didn't object.
Being this close to Roderich made it easy for him to space out. He wondered how he would react if he put his arm around Roderich. More interestingly, how would Elizabeta react if he did. He suspected she would hit him and then call him the next day to yell at him so Roderich couldn't hear her yell at him. He didn't like the prospect of that.
It wasn't like he didn't understand why the Elizabeta he imagined would yell at him. It was really like taking advantage of Roderich and his current emotional trauma. It would be wrong, very very wrong. And because he knew, he didn't dare to touch Roderich more than he was wanted to. It just wasn't right.
He couldn't follow this thought much more, as Elizabeta put her cup down and stood up, smiling at them. “I really, really should get going or I will be late,” she said, still glowing a little from the animated talk about her boyfriend. Roderich raised with her and hugged her close for a moment. He whispered something that made her laugh and Gilbert's deeply hidden jealousy spark to live again.
They walked Elizabeta to the door - with a quick stop in the kitchen to put some of the cake in a box for her to take home - where they bid her farewell. That, of course, included a lot of hugging and whispers between Roderich and her. Gilbert kept his own bidding to a minimum, one brief hug and then waving her off as she got into her car and drove off.
After Gilbert had closed the door, Roderich walked up to him and pressed a gentle kiss on his cheek. “Thank you for this wonderful day,” Roderich whispered. Before Gilbert could react, Roderich had already walked off to the living room.