It got longer and longer
Title: When I disappear - Chapter 8.1
Character(s) (in this chapter): Austria, Germany
Rating: T+
Summary: Roderich spends the day alone and in the evening has dinner with Ludwig.
Warning: panic attack, angst
The house was all quiet when Roderich woke up the next day. He stayed in bed for a while, his eyes wide open and staring at the ceiling. All he did was listening for any sound inside the house. Anything that would show him that he wasn’t alone in the house.
Dim light was seeping in through the curtains in front of the window. Roderich wondered for how long he had been asleep. He felt like he hadn’t been sleeping like this in weeks or more. But the thought of having to ask Ludwig every other evening for medicine made him feel bad for it. He shouldn’t rely on something like this too often.
With a soft moan, he pushed himself into a sitting position. He hoped he wasn’t imagining it but he thought it was becoming easier again to move. The bit of light felt warm against his skin. He lifted the curtain a bit. It would be nice to see some sun again. He knew he had at the hospital, but back then, he hadn’t cared for it. And before that … he rather not tried to remember the last time before.
His hand was shaking as he reached out for one side of the curtain. He had to take a deep breath before he could even grab it. There was nothing in front of that window that would hurt him, he told himself. He was in a first floor bedroom. There couldn’t be anything right in front of that window. He could only gain a look at the sky. Something he really wished for right now. He just wished he wouldn’t be alone.
His eyes were closed as he opened the curtain. He didn’t have the courage to look at the outside world just when he managed to open the curtains separating it from the safe sanctuary he thought this room to be. He reluctantly opened one eye after a while. This was getting ridiculous and he knew it. It was just so hard for him. Outside was scary. Scarier than he’d like to admit.
As he had expected, there was nothing to see outside the window. The street was more or less empty save for the occasional passing car. It was a quiet neighborhood. He remembered this from visiting Ludwig a long time ago. He was glad there were no people at this time of day. Somehow, he thought that might unsettle him a bit. Having only two people - three, if he could include Elizabeta - around him was just about enough.
As he raised his glance to the sky, he knew why he had opened the curtains. It was so bright he had to almost close his eyes, even though it wasn’t even a bright day. There were clouds promising rain later that day. But he could still see the sun. He knew better than to directly look at it but he was glad to be able to look at it and somewhat enjoy it. He only wished he had the courage to go outside.
The terror of this thought alone made him feel like he was about to choke.
Roderich lay back down on the bed and waited for the nausea to die down. He forced his breath in and out evenly. His eyes stayed fixed on the lap in the middle of the ceiling. He almost knew that lamp by heart by now.
There wasn’t much to do in this room. It seemed like Ludwig and Gilbert only used it to occassionally accommodate guests. There were no shelves in it but some wardrobes. Roderich had seen that they stored fresh blankets in one of them when Ludwig had taken some out for him but he hadn’t opened any himself. It didn’t feel like a right thing to do.
He eventually rolled around and grabbed the bottle of water next to the bed. Ludwig had brought him one together with yesterday’s breakfast and he was almost certain that Gilbert had replaced the half empty bottle with a new one in the evening. Maybe. He couldn’t remember a lot from after he had taken the medicine. The bottle was fuller than he had expected it to be though. It was a good thing. He was thirsty and there was a gross taste in his mouth that he wanted to get rid of.
Roderich quickly gulped down some of it. It helped a little bit against the taste, but only a little. As he put the bottle down, he wondered what he could do. This was something new. He hadn’t felt bored during the past year. He had struggled to stay alive or rather fought against being forced to do so. And during the past few days, so much had happened he just didn’t have the time to be bored.
Now, however, he had some free time at hand and didn’t know what to do with it. He didn’t really want to leave the room, but on the other hand, there wasn’t much to do here. He didn’t want to stay in his own company. He knew exactly that he would think about last night’s news and he didn’t want that. This would be worse than leaving the room.
What could possible go wrong if he left this room?
Roderich stood up. He went to the door and laid a hand on the handle. He took a deep breath. He was alone in the house and he was safe. Ludwig had lace curtains on every window down there. It would even be difficult to look inside from the street. Everything was alright.
It still took him some effort to push down the handle. He didn’t fully open the door at first. Only for a crack seemed to be best at first. He listened for any sound inside the house but there weren’t any. Then, he peeked outside. Despite his indistinctive feeling, there was no one standing in the hallway outside his room. It seemed safe to leave the room.
There was nothing in the house to be afraid of.
He still stayed close to the wall, ready to run, as he left the room. There was no sound, but he knew, if he would hear anything, he would start running to some place to hide as fast as he could make his feet go. Thinking about it, this wouldn’t be very fast. He really needed to walk around a lot more.
The short distance to the stairs was already enough to make him run out of breath. He leaned against the wall there and waited for a moment. This was so exhausting. It really shouldn’t be like that and annoyed him, but there wasn’t much he could do against it. Maybe he should ask Ludwig to go on a walk with him every evening.
But even including Ludwig, that thought terrified him.
After a while, he slowly climbed down the stairs. Yesterday, this had been so much easier with Gilbert there to assist him. He hated to admit it but he was really kind and helpful to him. Roderich just wished to know whether he wanted him to be. Now, without any assistance, he had to watch out not to stumble. There wouldn’t be anyone there to catch him after all. He didn’t want to fall. That would only cause everyone trouble. He had caused enough trouble for the rest of his life.
He sat down on the lowest stair and waited for a bit to recover. He had no idea how long this short walk from his room here had taken him. It felt like too long - but also nice, because he had lived in a very confined space for too long and was now able to walk around again. It wasn’t much and he surely wouldn’t leave the house anytime soon if he could help it. But it was better than sitting on bed all day.
He was somewhat proud of himself.
Now that he had made it downstairs, he thought about where to go next. He could go into the kitchen, but then again, he wasn’t really hungry. He could go into the living room. He didn’t feel like watching TV, especially because he feared to stumble across some news program. But he knew they had most of their books there and there might be one he would like to read.
He pushed himself up. He had managed to walk this far on his own; he could make it to the living room and the bookshelf there as well. He knew he could. He just had to tell himself this often enough. Standing up, his legs felt a bit wobbly. But he didn’t let this hold him back from walking to the living room.
Entering the big bright room, he suddenly felt watched.
Roderich looked around the room. There was no one there, of course there wasn’t. He tried to shrug the feeling off, but it wouldn’t go away. For a second, he thought about going back upstairs. And then, the feeling was gone. He looked around. The lace curtains were shut as they were supposed to be. Nothing looked any different from the day before. Not that he could remember it exactly. He just had to hope it was. There was no way anyone could look into this room. He knew that.
His shaky fingers ran over the back of the books in the shelf. He wanted to concentrate on something to forget about the eerie feeling just now. Despite it being gone, his whole body was still shaking. There were a few crime novels and of course most of the bestselling novels of the past few years. Nothing he hadn’t expected. Most of the bestsellers didn’t even look like they had been read. Some of the crime novels on the other hand almost fell apart just by looking at them.
There were also some older books. Roderich’s finger ran over the author’s names. Horváth, Brentano, Arnim, Brothers Grimm - nothing written in the past 70 years. Roderich remembered some of them from school. Some of them didn’t look too bad. He took the fairy tales out of the shelf and walked over to the couch. He needed to sit down. And besides, there was nothing better than being comfortable while reading.
Roderich must have nodded off. He felt like he had been sleeping and the book had fallen down on the floor. As he reached for it, he heard what had woken him. He could hear noises from outside. It sounded like steps coming towards the house. He slowly got up. He didn’t want to get surprised by someone in here, where there was no place to hide.
He slowly sneaked to the hallway. At least, he wanted to see who was coming. Carefully, he peeked out hiding behind the doorframe. He heard a key being turned in the lock. Or was it really a key and not a lock pick? He noticed he had clenched his hands around the door frame. The door was slowly pushed open.
It had not even once occurred to him that Gilbert and Ludwig had eventually to come home.
Roderich almost felt down when he saw Ludwig enter the house. He was just so relieved. Somehow, he only had been able to think about strangers entering the house. He slid down with the hand on the doorframe. He felt like crying with relief as he watched Ludwig putting his keys on the board next to the door and his briefcase under the coat rack. It just all seemed suddenly so very normal.
Ludwig turned around when he heard the first sob. Quickly, he knelt down in front of Roderich and pulled him into his arms. “There,” he whispered. He soothingly stroked over the thin man’s back. “Did I scare you?”
He sounded so worried. Roderich couldn’t help but sob some more. He clinged to Ludwig. He just had been so worried just now. Softly, he shook his head. “I scared myself,” Roderich mumbled.
“I’m back home now,” Ludwig whispered. “You must have been lonely all by yourself this whole time.” He hugged Roderich once more. “Sorry we have left you alone.”
Roderich shook his head. “’s O.K.” Roderich knew he shouldn’t want him to stay home all day. He had to go to work and there surely were some other things. There was no reason to take care of him like he was still a little child.
Ludwig gave him a small peck on the cheek. “I bet you’re hungry,” he smiled. “Sorry, I didn’t bring you breakfast but you were sleeping so tight none of us wanted to wake you before we headed off to work.”
Roderich blushed a bit. He hadn’t even noticed that he hadn’t been eating all day. Of course he hadn’t even looked into the kitchen for some food. He didn’t want to be a burden. “You must be too,” Roderich mumbled. “You worked all day.”
Ludwig smiled. “A bit,” he answered. “Let’s make us some food, shall we?”
As Roderich nodded, Ludwig stood up and then helped him. Roderich wished he could refuse that. It made him feel even weaker. But he needed the help, no matter how ashamed this made him feel. He followed Ludwig into the kitchen.
“You can sit down at the table,” Ludwig said. He got some vegetables out of the freezer. “I thought about making some fish and cooked vegetables. Is this alright with you?”
Roderich nodded. It sounded really good to him. Now that he had noticed that he was hungry, he couldn’t believe he hadn’t wanted to eat all day. “But let me help preparing,” he said. He was not sure whether he could or not, but he didn’t want to just sit there and watch.
Ludwig laughed. “It’s nothing, I can easily do this alone,” he said. Swiftly, he washed the carrots and tomatoes. Roderich tensed, as Ludwig took a knife out of one drawer. He was glad the other stood with his back towards him. Sharp objects made him really nervous despite knowing that Ludwig would never harm him.
Roderich sighed. He felt so useless.
“So,” he began after watching Ludwig prepare for cooking for a while. “When will your brother be home? He was here yesterday before you.” He didn’t want to sound any huffish, but he was almost certain he did. It bothered him that Gilbert wasn’t there. He didn’t even know why. It just did him good he knew there was someone caring about him this much. Yesterday had almost felt like he was his boyfriend.
He had no idea if he wanted that. It might give Gilbert ideas.
“He texted me earlier that he has some urgent business to take care of,” Ludwig said without turning around. “I don’t know when he’ll be home. When he works overtime, he usually gets home pretty late. Sometimes, he even sleeps at his desk. Why do you ask?”
Roderich shrugged before he even noticed that Ludwig couldn’t see it. He didn’t even know himself why he wanted to know. It wasn’t like he missed him. He just noticed he wasn’t there. That was about all of it. But he couldn’t say that. “He promised me to call Elizabeta,” was what he finally settled for.
“Oh,” Ludwig made. “Well, you could call her from my cell.” He handed his phone over to Roderich. “I don’t mind if you go to the living room if you want a bit more privacy.”
Roderich shook his head. There was nothing he wanted to hide from Ludwig. He still considered him one of his closest friends, now more than ever. There wasn’t anything sensitive he wanted to talk about with her.
He looked through the address book of Ludwig’s phone. Using technology was always such a bother. One day he would eventually learn how to use it properly. But now, he had to scroll through all the names down to H. He really wished he knew her number by heart. But all these cell phone numbers were just so long and he hadn’t really cared before.
When he had finally found her number - and had managed to get the phone to dial it - he became nervous. He really wanted to talk to her, he missed her so bad. She was the only one he trusted to understand him when he didn’t know what to say. And she knew exactly how to calm him whenever he was upset. He knew this was one of many reasons why so many thought they were lovers. Or at least had thought so before.
With every beep his fear became more and more that he wouldn’t be able to reach her at all. Of course there could be good reasons for her not to answer his call. But inside, he couldn’t stay reasonable. He tried to tell himself that she maybe was still at work or Gilbert hadn’t been joking when he had told him that she had a new boyfriend. He knew perfectly well that she sometimes disappeared for a few days when she had a new lover just to reappear after they had broken up again.
Before his inner eye, he could see nothing but a dusty attic.
After a while, he gave up. He placed the phone on the table. Took a deep breath. Hid his shaking hands under the table. He was too afraid to sigh. He didn’t know what sound he would make if he dared to open his mouth. He didn’t notice that Ludwig had turned around.
And then suddenly, there was a large hand on top of his. Not to attack him, to control - it stroke the back of his hand. As he turned his head, he looked directly into Ludwig’s bright blue eyes. He couldn’t help but to blush.
“Do you want to have a taste?” Ludwig asked. Roderich finally noticed the spoon in the other’s hand. “I’m not sure whether I out enough pepper in it or not.”
Roderich nodded. He had never figured out how he could refuse anything Ludwig asked with that innocent look in his eyes. Sometimes, he suspected the younger did this on purpose. Carefully, he took the spoon out of Ludwig’s hand. The carrot didn’t taste too bad. It was a bit too soft for his liking, but the seasoning was just right. He had never taken Ludwig for the cooking type.
He forced a smile onto his face. “It’s really good,” he said.
Ludwig returned the smile. “That’s nice to hear,” he answered while he set the table for two. The portion he put down in front of Roderich looked so huge. But looking at the other plate, it suddenly wasn’t that much at all. He just didn’t feel hungry enough to eat all of that.
“Don’t we wait for Gilbert?” he asked.
Ludwig shook his head. “We would wait almost all night, I’m afraid,” he sighed. “I put his share in the stove to keep it warm. Don’t worry about him.”
Roderich didn’t know what to say to this. He didn’t want to object that. But he also couldn’t let Ludwig think he cared this much about his brother. So he simply concentrated on his dinner.
“Enjoy your meal.”
First chapter: Link
Next chapter: Link
Previous chapter: Link
Bonus for this chapter
Character(s) (in this chapter): Austria, Germany
Rating: T+
Summary: Roderich spends the day alone and in the evening has dinner with Ludwig.
Warning: panic attack, angst
The house was all quiet when Roderich woke up the next day. He stayed in bed for a while, his eyes wide open and staring at the ceiling. All he did was listening for any sound inside the house. Anything that would show him that he wasn’t alone in the house.
Dim light was seeping in through the curtains in front of the window. Roderich wondered for how long he had been asleep. He felt like he hadn’t been sleeping like this in weeks or more. But the thought of having to ask Ludwig every other evening for medicine made him feel bad for it. He shouldn’t rely on something like this too often.
With a soft moan, he pushed himself into a sitting position. He hoped he wasn’t imagining it but he thought it was becoming easier again to move. The bit of light felt warm against his skin. He lifted the curtain a bit. It would be nice to see some sun again. He knew he had at the hospital, but back then, he hadn’t cared for it. And before that … he rather not tried to remember the last time before.
His hand was shaking as he reached out for one side of the curtain. He had to take a deep breath before he could even grab it. There was nothing in front of that window that would hurt him, he told himself. He was in a first floor bedroom. There couldn’t be anything right in front of that window. He could only gain a look at the sky. Something he really wished for right now. He just wished he wouldn’t be alone.
His eyes were closed as he opened the curtain. He didn’t have the courage to look at the outside world just when he managed to open the curtains separating it from the safe sanctuary he thought this room to be. He reluctantly opened one eye after a while. This was getting ridiculous and he knew it. It was just so hard for him. Outside was scary. Scarier than he’d like to admit.
As he had expected, there was nothing to see outside the window. The street was more or less empty save for the occasional passing car. It was a quiet neighborhood. He remembered this from visiting Ludwig a long time ago. He was glad there were no people at this time of day. Somehow, he thought that might unsettle him a bit. Having only two people - three, if he could include Elizabeta - around him was just about enough.
As he raised his glance to the sky, he knew why he had opened the curtains. It was so bright he had to almost close his eyes, even though it wasn’t even a bright day. There were clouds promising rain later that day. But he could still see the sun. He knew better than to directly look at it but he was glad to be able to look at it and somewhat enjoy it. He only wished he had the courage to go outside.
The terror of this thought alone made him feel like he was about to choke.
Roderich lay back down on the bed and waited for the nausea to die down. He forced his breath in and out evenly. His eyes stayed fixed on the lap in the middle of the ceiling. He almost knew that lamp by heart by now.
There wasn’t much to do in this room. It seemed like Ludwig and Gilbert only used it to occassionally accommodate guests. There were no shelves in it but some wardrobes. Roderich had seen that they stored fresh blankets in one of them when Ludwig had taken some out for him but he hadn’t opened any himself. It didn’t feel like a right thing to do.
He eventually rolled around and grabbed the bottle of water next to the bed. Ludwig had brought him one together with yesterday’s breakfast and he was almost certain that Gilbert had replaced the half empty bottle with a new one in the evening. Maybe. He couldn’t remember a lot from after he had taken the medicine. The bottle was fuller than he had expected it to be though. It was a good thing. He was thirsty and there was a gross taste in his mouth that he wanted to get rid of.
Roderich quickly gulped down some of it. It helped a little bit against the taste, but only a little. As he put the bottle down, he wondered what he could do. This was something new. He hadn’t felt bored during the past year. He had struggled to stay alive or rather fought against being forced to do so. And during the past few days, so much had happened he just didn’t have the time to be bored.
Now, however, he had some free time at hand and didn’t know what to do with it. He didn’t really want to leave the room, but on the other hand, there wasn’t much to do here. He didn’t want to stay in his own company. He knew exactly that he would think about last night’s news and he didn’t want that. This would be worse than leaving the room.
What could possible go wrong if he left this room?
Roderich stood up. He went to the door and laid a hand on the handle. He took a deep breath. He was alone in the house and he was safe. Ludwig had lace curtains on every window down there. It would even be difficult to look inside from the street. Everything was alright.
It still took him some effort to push down the handle. He didn’t fully open the door at first. Only for a crack seemed to be best at first. He listened for any sound inside the house but there weren’t any. Then, he peeked outside. Despite his indistinctive feeling, there was no one standing in the hallway outside his room. It seemed safe to leave the room.
There was nothing in the house to be afraid of.
He still stayed close to the wall, ready to run, as he left the room. There was no sound, but he knew, if he would hear anything, he would start running to some place to hide as fast as he could make his feet go. Thinking about it, this wouldn’t be very fast. He really needed to walk around a lot more.
The short distance to the stairs was already enough to make him run out of breath. He leaned against the wall there and waited for a moment. This was so exhausting. It really shouldn’t be like that and annoyed him, but there wasn’t much he could do against it. Maybe he should ask Ludwig to go on a walk with him every evening.
But even including Ludwig, that thought terrified him.
After a while, he slowly climbed down the stairs. Yesterday, this had been so much easier with Gilbert there to assist him. He hated to admit it but he was really kind and helpful to him. Roderich just wished to know whether he wanted him to be. Now, without any assistance, he had to watch out not to stumble. There wouldn’t be anyone there to catch him after all. He didn’t want to fall. That would only cause everyone trouble. He had caused enough trouble for the rest of his life.
He sat down on the lowest stair and waited for a bit to recover. He had no idea how long this short walk from his room here had taken him. It felt like too long - but also nice, because he had lived in a very confined space for too long and was now able to walk around again. It wasn’t much and he surely wouldn’t leave the house anytime soon if he could help it. But it was better than sitting on bed all day.
He was somewhat proud of himself.
Now that he had made it downstairs, he thought about where to go next. He could go into the kitchen, but then again, he wasn’t really hungry. He could go into the living room. He didn’t feel like watching TV, especially because he feared to stumble across some news program. But he knew they had most of their books there and there might be one he would like to read.
He pushed himself up. He had managed to walk this far on his own; he could make it to the living room and the bookshelf there as well. He knew he could. He just had to tell himself this often enough. Standing up, his legs felt a bit wobbly. But he didn’t let this hold him back from walking to the living room.
Entering the big bright room, he suddenly felt watched.
Roderich looked around the room. There was no one there, of course there wasn’t. He tried to shrug the feeling off, but it wouldn’t go away. For a second, he thought about going back upstairs. And then, the feeling was gone. He looked around. The lace curtains were shut as they were supposed to be. Nothing looked any different from the day before. Not that he could remember it exactly. He just had to hope it was. There was no way anyone could look into this room. He knew that.
His shaky fingers ran over the back of the books in the shelf. He wanted to concentrate on something to forget about the eerie feeling just now. Despite it being gone, his whole body was still shaking. There were a few crime novels and of course most of the bestselling novels of the past few years. Nothing he hadn’t expected. Most of the bestsellers didn’t even look like they had been read. Some of the crime novels on the other hand almost fell apart just by looking at them.
There were also some older books. Roderich’s finger ran over the author’s names. Horváth, Brentano, Arnim, Brothers Grimm - nothing written in the past 70 years. Roderich remembered some of them from school. Some of them didn’t look too bad. He took the fairy tales out of the shelf and walked over to the couch. He needed to sit down. And besides, there was nothing better than being comfortable while reading.
Roderich must have nodded off. He felt like he had been sleeping and the book had fallen down on the floor. As he reached for it, he heard what had woken him. He could hear noises from outside. It sounded like steps coming towards the house. He slowly got up. He didn’t want to get surprised by someone in here, where there was no place to hide.
He slowly sneaked to the hallway. At least, he wanted to see who was coming. Carefully, he peeked out hiding behind the doorframe. He heard a key being turned in the lock. Or was it really a key and not a lock pick? He noticed he had clenched his hands around the door frame. The door was slowly pushed open.
It had not even once occurred to him that Gilbert and Ludwig had eventually to come home.
Roderich almost felt down when he saw Ludwig enter the house. He was just so relieved. Somehow, he only had been able to think about strangers entering the house. He slid down with the hand on the doorframe. He felt like crying with relief as he watched Ludwig putting his keys on the board next to the door and his briefcase under the coat rack. It just all seemed suddenly so very normal.
Ludwig turned around when he heard the first sob. Quickly, he knelt down in front of Roderich and pulled him into his arms. “There,” he whispered. He soothingly stroked over the thin man’s back. “Did I scare you?”
He sounded so worried. Roderich couldn’t help but sob some more. He clinged to Ludwig. He just had been so worried just now. Softly, he shook his head. “I scared myself,” Roderich mumbled.
“I’m back home now,” Ludwig whispered. “You must have been lonely all by yourself this whole time.” He hugged Roderich once more. “Sorry we have left you alone.”
Roderich shook his head. “’s O.K.” Roderich knew he shouldn’t want him to stay home all day. He had to go to work and there surely were some other things. There was no reason to take care of him like he was still a little child.
Ludwig gave him a small peck on the cheek. “I bet you’re hungry,” he smiled. “Sorry, I didn’t bring you breakfast but you were sleeping so tight none of us wanted to wake you before we headed off to work.”
Roderich blushed a bit. He hadn’t even noticed that he hadn’t been eating all day. Of course he hadn’t even looked into the kitchen for some food. He didn’t want to be a burden. “You must be too,” Roderich mumbled. “You worked all day.”
Ludwig smiled. “A bit,” he answered. “Let’s make us some food, shall we?”
As Roderich nodded, Ludwig stood up and then helped him. Roderich wished he could refuse that. It made him feel even weaker. But he needed the help, no matter how ashamed this made him feel. He followed Ludwig into the kitchen.
“You can sit down at the table,” Ludwig said. He got some vegetables out of the freezer. “I thought about making some fish and cooked vegetables. Is this alright with you?”
Roderich nodded. It sounded really good to him. Now that he had noticed that he was hungry, he couldn’t believe he hadn’t wanted to eat all day. “But let me help preparing,” he said. He was not sure whether he could or not, but he didn’t want to just sit there and watch.
Ludwig laughed. “It’s nothing, I can easily do this alone,” he said. Swiftly, he washed the carrots and tomatoes. Roderich tensed, as Ludwig took a knife out of one drawer. He was glad the other stood with his back towards him. Sharp objects made him really nervous despite knowing that Ludwig would never harm him.
Roderich sighed. He felt so useless.
“So,” he began after watching Ludwig prepare for cooking for a while. “When will your brother be home? He was here yesterday before you.” He didn’t want to sound any huffish, but he was almost certain he did. It bothered him that Gilbert wasn’t there. He didn’t even know why. It just did him good he knew there was someone caring about him this much. Yesterday had almost felt like he was his boyfriend.
He had no idea if he wanted that. It might give Gilbert ideas.
“He texted me earlier that he has some urgent business to take care of,” Ludwig said without turning around. “I don’t know when he’ll be home. When he works overtime, he usually gets home pretty late. Sometimes, he even sleeps at his desk. Why do you ask?”
Roderich shrugged before he even noticed that Ludwig couldn’t see it. He didn’t even know himself why he wanted to know. It wasn’t like he missed him. He just noticed he wasn’t there. That was about all of it. But he couldn’t say that. “He promised me to call Elizabeta,” was what he finally settled for.
“Oh,” Ludwig made. “Well, you could call her from my cell.” He handed his phone over to Roderich. “I don’t mind if you go to the living room if you want a bit more privacy.”
Roderich shook his head. There was nothing he wanted to hide from Ludwig. He still considered him one of his closest friends, now more than ever. There wasn’t anything sensitive he wanted to talk about with her.
He looked through the address book of Ludwig’s phone. Using technology was always such a bother. One day he would eventually learn how to use it properly. But now, he had to scroll through all the names down to H. He really wished he knew her number by heart. But all these cell phone numbers were just so long and he hadn’t really cared before.
When he had finally found her number - and had managed to get the phone to dial it - he became nervous. He really wanted to talk to her, he missed her so bad. She was the only one he trusted to understand him when he didn’t know what to say. And she knew exactly how to calm him whenever he was upset. He knew this was one of many reasons why so many thought they were lovers. Or at least had thought so before.
With every beep his fear became more and more that he wouldn’t be able to reach her at all. Of course there could be good reasons for her not to answer his call. But inside, he couldn’t stay reasonable. He tried to tell himself that she maybe was still at work or Gilbert hadn’t been joking when he had told him that she had a new boyfriend. He knew perfectly well that she sometimes disappeared for a few days when she had a new lover just to reappear after they had broken up again.
Before his inner eye, he could see nothing but a dusty attic.
After a while, he gave up. He placed the phone on the table. Took a deep breath. Hid his shaking hands under the table. He was too afraid to sigh. He didn’t know what sound he would make if he dared to open his mouth. He didn’t notice that Ludwig had turned around.
And then suddenly, there was a large hand on top of his. Not to attack him, to control - it stroke the back of his hand. As he turned his head, he looked directly into Ludwig’s bright blue eyes. He couldn’t help but to blush.
“Do you want to have a taste?” Ludwig asked. Roderich finally noticed the spoon in the other’s hand. “I’m not sure whether I out enough pepper in it or not.”
Roderich nodded. He had never figured out how he could refuse anything Ludwig asked with that innocent look in his eyes. Sometimes, he suspected the younger did this on purpose. Carefully, he took the spoon out of Ludwig’s hand. The carrot didn’t taste too bad. It was a bit too soft for his liking, but the seasoning was just right. He had never taken Ludwig for the cooking type.
He forced a smile onto his face. “It’s really good,” he said.
Ludwig returned the smile. “That’s nice to hear,” he answered while he set the table for two. The portion he put down in front of Roderich looked so huge. But looking at the other plate, it suddenly wasn’t that much at all. He just didn’t feel hungry enough to eat all of that.
“Don’t we wait for Gilbert?” he asked.
Ludwig shook his head. “We would wait almost all night, I’m afraid,” he sighed. “I put his share in the stove to keep it warm. Don’t worry about him.”
Roderich didn’t know what to say to this. He didn’t want to object that. But he also couldn’t let Ludwig think he cared this much about his brother. So he simply concentrated on his dinner.
“Enjoy your meal.”
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