Diary Entry
Note - the only person who can see this IC is Songbird
It’s odd dating a werewolf.
It’s odd dating anyone to be fair, but a werewolf is odd. Because the fear that one day he’s going to go off to do something heroic and not come back is always there - no matter how much he reassures me.
Unlike most kinfolk however, I’ve got an option to go out and be equally dumb - I mean heroic. I’ve also got skills that the average person doesn’t have, so sometimes I’m the best choice to do something heroic.
Put myself on the line. Be the sacrifice.
And because I’m still me no matter how much he tells em I’m worth saving and he wants to protect me, not loose me I find it very hard to sit there and not be the sacrificial goat.
Take the recent events. Two separate, yet intrinsically linked problems.
There are huge weaver spirits in Welwyn Garden City. The Garou - being the heroes of Gaia - have decided to Do Something about them. There are plans made, scouting missions performed, and then the three kinfolk sit as Resolution carefully tells us that joining the fight is our choice. He doesn’t wish us to feel belittled or disempowered by telling us to stay.
On the one level he’s acting very PC. We are adults after all, we should know if we are capable of going and fighting.
So why did I stay and the kinfolk armed with a stick go (and she got badly hurt I’ll add)?
Because the sub text to his words read “please, I don’t want you to get hurt, and I don’t want you to go because you’ll be in danger. But I’m not going to be a hypocrite and ask you to stay much less tell you.”
I could have been massively stubborn I guess. I could have just gone anyway - after all lightning bolt and TK are better than a stick. But I was listening to the subtext, and realising two things.
If I go I’m not going to be working as part of the team. I’m going to be protecting him - and as I have little instinct about self preservation this would not be a good thing. But he’s also be protecting me - and potentially putting me above the well being of his pack.
I remembered Julian’s words regarding the first part of the litany. It’s not just about not making metis. It’s about not having the person you’re madly in love with right next to you in the firing line. It’s about keeping those you mate with out of the mortal danger that we’re not really designed to survive.
So I jump on Julian’s requirement for a computer virus as something I need to be sorting out anyway; and remain in the caern metaphorically biting my fingernails. Chatting to Martin and Issy, blushing a bit at Martin’s comments (why is everyone’s first reaction “But I thought Res was gay?”) and trying to work out how to cause nuclear power plants to be shut down.
When he got back his shirt was covered with gore, he had deep gouge marks in his chest and he looked immensely tired. And I tried desperately to ignore the voice telling me “you know you should have gone. You’d have been able to protect him”, and not to pester him for details or attention when he had more important things to do.
I’ll admit to being a bit miffed when he went off to Oxford, muttering about needing to talk to Julian. I thought he could do with a rest, but there you go. Has to wait until after the Weaver’s been sorted I guess.
When he came back he looked - sombre. Kind of wanting to talk and yet not. I half expected him to pace more than he did.
Now I’ll admit to not understanding a lot of what he was talking about, but I got the gist. JTD, pin up legend in his own time has decided to walk the spiral (and thank goodness for many years of cutting off my emotions when I heard that bit alone) and is currently on the Spiral of Insight. He’s doing it with some White Howler gift as well (and this makes it so much better?) to stretch things out and avoid getting quite so horribly wyrm tainted.
Cue much visiony stuff from the spiral walking legend. And like all prophecies it’s infuriatingly vague and we have no clue what it actually means. Apparently the Wyrm (or the Forces of the Wyrm) are planning - something. Which Wyrm? No clue. What plans? Ditto - except it involves three figures.
I don’t know if Res was trying for “Overly Dramatic Garou of the Year Award” but apparently these three figures are kinfolk. (Cue much heart stopping music.)
“The Rider”, “The Dancer” and “The Walker” to be precise.
Otherwise known as Katy, Jacob and me.
At which point I’m inwardly screaming, and desperately trying to remain focused, to continue to have emotions and not simply cut them off. Res did the “you know I’ll protect you” speech in an incredibly politically correct manner; and basically told me that he wanted me to be able to protect myself and so would make sure I could. And got upset when I suggested that one option is to take myself out of the equation.
I’d thought I was over being suicidal because it means the people I’m around are safe. But now I know if I did that I’d hurt Res so much. And I don’t want him to be hurt about me. He’s going to be hurt enough if / when Walks dies.
I held it together enough to ask if I could tell Katy and Jacob. Only fair after all. And of course he doesn’t want me to tell them where the information’s come from (no really? The news that the legend’s going round the spiral would be a subject of mass rejoicing wouldn’t it?) So telling Jacob’s going to be a job and a half in and of itself.
Then he told me I was allowed to freak. So I did and soaked his shirt. And then we cuddled and we made love. Somehow in his arms I feel like nothing can ever hurt me again.
But it’s morning now. And I feel so helpless. What can I do? How does one (well okay, three) kinfolk defend against a small army?
I don’t want to die.
It’s odd dating a werewolf.
It’s odd dating anyone to be fair, but a werewolf is odd. Because the fear that one day he’s going to go off to do something heroic and not come back is always there - no matter how much he reassures me.
Unlike most kinfolk however, I’ve got an option to go out and be equally dumb - I mean heroic. I’ve also got skills that the average person doesn’t have, so sometimes I’m the best choice to do something heroic.
Put myself on the line. Be the sacrifice.
And because I’m still me no matter how much he tells em I’m worth saving and he wants to protect me, not loose me I find it very hard to sit there and not be the sacrificial goat.
Take the recent events. Two separate, yet intrinsically linked problems.
There are huge weaver spirits in Welwyn Garden City. The Garou - being the heroes of Gaia - have decided to Do Something about them. There are plans made, scouting missions performed, and then the three kinfolk sit as Resolution carefully tells us that joining the fight is our choice. He doesn’t wish us to feel belittled or disempowered by telling us to stay.
On the one level he’s acting very PC. We are adults after all, we should know if we are capable of going and fighting.
So why did I stay and the kinfolk armed with a stick go (and she got badly hurt I’ll add)?
Because the sub text to his words read “please, I don’t want you to get hurt, and I don’t want you to go because you’ll be in danger. But I’m not going to be a hypocrite and ask you to stay much less tell you.”
I could have been massively stubborn I guess. I could have just gone anyway - after all lightning bolt and TK are better than a stick. But I was listening to the subtext, and realising two things.
If I go I’m not going to be working as part of the team. I’m going to be protecting him - and as I have little instinct about self preservation this would not be a good thing. But he’s also be protecting me - and potentially putting me above the well being of his pack.
I remembered Julian’s words regarding the first part of the litany. It’s not just about not making metis. It’s about not having the person you’re madly in love with right next to you in the firing line. It’s about keeping those you mate with out of the mortal danger that we’re not really designed to survive.
So I jump on Julian’s requirement for a computer virus as something I need to be sorting out anyway; and remain in the caern metaphorically biting my fingernails. Chatting to Martin and Issy, blushing a bit at Martin’s comments (why is everyone’s first reaction “But I thought Res was gay?”) and trying to work out how to cause nuclear power plants to be shut down.
When he got back his shirt was covered with gore, he had deep gouge marks in his chest and he looked immensely tired. And I tried desperately to ignore the voice telling me “you know you should have gone. You’d have been able to protect him”, and not to pester him for details or attention when he had more important things to do.
I’ll admit to being a bit miffed when he went off to Oxford, muttering about needing to talk to Julian. I thought he could do with a rest, but there you go. Has to wait until after the Weaver’s been sorted I guess.
When he came back he looked - sombre. Kind of wanting to talk and yet not. I half expected him to pace more than he did.
Now I’ll admit to not understanding a lot of what he was talking about, but I got the gist. JTD, pin up legend in his own time has decided to walk the spiral (and thank goodness for many years of cutting off my emotions when I heard that bit alone) and is currently on the Spiral of Insight. He’s doing it with some White Howler gift as well (and this makes it so much better?) to stretch things out and avoid getting quite so horribly wyrm tainted.
Cue much visiony stuff from the spiral walking legend. And like all prophecies it’s infuriatingly vague and we have no clue what it actually means. Apparently the Wyrm (or the Forces of the Wyrm) are planning - something. Which Wyrm? No clue. What plans? Ditto - except it involves three figures.
I don’t know if Res was trying for “Overly Dramatic Garou of the Year Award” but apparently these three figures are kinfolk. (Cue much heart stopping music.)
“The Rider”, “The Dancer” and “The Walker” to be precise.
Otherwise known as Katy, Jacob and me.
At which point I’m inwardly screaming, and desperately trying to remain focused, to continue to have emotions and not simply cut them off. Res did the “you know I’ll protect you” speech in an incredibly politically correct manner; and basically told me that he wanted me to be able to protect myself and so would make sure I could. And got upset when I suggested that one option is to take myself out of the equation.
I’d thought I was over being suicidal because it means the people I’m around are safe. But now I know if I did that I’d hurt Res so much. And I don’t want him to be hurt about me. He’s going to be hurt enough if / when Walks dies.
I held it together enough to ask if I could tell Katy and Jacob. Only fair after all. And of course he doesn’t want me to tell them where the information’s come from (no really? The news that the legend’s going round the spiral would be a subject of mass rejoicing wouldn’t it?) So telling Jacob’s going to be a job and a half in and of itself.
Then he told me I was allowed to freak. So I did and soaked his shirt. And then we cuddled and we made love. Somehow in his arms I feel like nothing can ever hurt me again.
But it’s morning now. And I feel so helpless. What can I do? How does one (well okay, three) kinfolk defend against a small army?
I don’t want to die.