(no subject)
scattered bits of my brain process:
(copy&paste; you may have seen it before)
i'm still stressed and i'm still apathetic toward pretty much everything right now,
but my trusted intuition tells me something amazing will happen soon.
passions will grow. so long as i can avoid emotional entanglement, i'm gold.
certain conflicts will end, and i am going to change for the better.
i'm going to solidify certain parts of my life; other parts i'll cut free; FINAL.
mark my words. i'm a fucking shot-caller, bitch.
i plan on changing my outlook drastically.
let the pieces fall where they may.
EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON.
these days, i believe in fate; the 'if it's meant to happen, it will' mentality. and i'd like to say it's because i'm lazy, but honestly it's because that's the way my life has pieced itself together so far. either that, or i attract extreme cases of coincidences. there's nothing wrong with believing in fate. i just have to stop getting the urge to control it.
...and i'm the kind of person that will overanalyze to the death questions like, "what would have happened if i had done a certain course of action five seconds sooner?" every thing fits together so oddly, and i can't stop trying to wrap my brain around it- even though it really doesn't matter that much in the huge scheme of things.
or does it? i don't even know anymore.
as far as my education goes, i know the saying "you only get out of it what you put into it." lately i've been tearing that phrase apart. i suppose most people at my school (and most schools) have the mentality of, "i'm here. i'm doing the work. i'll get the degree and get the job of my dreams because i'm putting in all this time at school, when i could damn well be doing better things with my time." then they act dumbfounded when they graduate and no one is jumping at the chance to employ them. they blame the school. they blame everyone but themselves. certainly they are not at fault.
fuck that shit. the past couple of quarters, i've had the "work hard enough to get a passing grade, ignore school at any given opportunity" mentality, and hey, i'm fucking retarded, okay? i should be taking this time to make connections, build up a resume, and build outside experience in addition to what the classes have to offer. this way, if by the grace of god i end up not having a fucking future/career after graduation, i can honestly say i did everything in my power to prevent it.
then i'll go to plan:b and marry rich. HEY. KIDDING.
i always say things need to change. normally i inch my way along, but this time i am determined to see that i pick up the pace and get the proverbial ball rolling.
so i'll take the chance and risk it all. i'm going to allow myself to hit rock bottom, or do whatever it takes to get where i need to be. i don't feel like i have any other choice, sans this repeatitive cycle of, "i feel so discontent today!"
"the only way to find true happiness is to risk being completely cut open."
it's weird, the little things that speak to me these days.
i also believe it's good to put your faith in something. so you're not entirely lost. most follow the bible, i follow the tao. represent, bitches.
it's restored my sanity on many an occasion.
"Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them - that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like."
"When you are content to be simply yourself and don't compare or compete, everybody will respect you."
"The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step."
"If you realize that all things change, there is nothing you will try to hold on to. If you are not afraid of dying, there is nothing you cannot achieve."
-Lao Tzu
P.S. i love when people from your past return to take you by surprise. (the good & the bad)
some of you have never fucking changed.
some of you are just what i needed.