Shame Trek 9: Spectre
Kirk mpreg? True love in the Mirrorverse?
Stranger things have occurred.
----
Title: Star Trek: Spectre [Book one of three. True to form, I will skip the second book and the next review will be on the third.]
Authors: William “Shakespeare in Love” Shatner, sorely feeling the absence of those other two nincompoops.
Pub Date: 1998
Dedicated to DeForrest, who died soon after and I’m pretty sure I know the cause, and Leonard, who is “my man, the best man”. Kids, I don’t make this shit up.
Basic Premise:
If Shatner’s halting line deliveries could be transcribed as sentences, the result would be this book. The events in THIS HERE BOOK follow directly after AVENGERRRRR because Shatner evidently wanted to take the previous trilogy that extra mile: describe as many outdoor lovemaking scenes as possible, include as many starship captains as possible, and, oh yeah, MIRROR FUCKIN UNIVERSE.
THIS HERE BOOK exposes what has occurred in the Mirrorverse since Kirk and pals flounced through that transporter anomaly back in ’66 or whenever. ’67? Don’t quote me on that, I’m too lazy to wiki it. Anyway, we remember that Kirk had given Mirror!Spock some advice to turn that ship around, so to speak. As a result of Mirror!Spock’s actions, everything over there is more messed up than before, if that’s even possible to comprehend. Regardless, it gives everyone the opportunity to blame Kirk for their misery. Kirk gets to shoulder the blame of an entire universe, try to save his kidnapped and pregnant wife-to-be, and figure out how the Mirrorverse counterparts are infiltrating his own universe. Picard gets to have his ship stolen from him, undergo torture, and go to a prison camp on an electric asteroid. Sucks to be Picard.
Notables:
Kirk throws out his back in the first few pages. Well, at least he’s showing some age! These books are certainly for the hardcore “Kirk will never die!” crowd.
He has a horse named Iowa Dream. Picard gave it to him. Thanks a fucking lot, Picard.
Oh yeah, Scotty is alive, too, because of a temporal anomaly. They are all zombies by this point, I’m sure. McCoy shows up and is all old and stuff, this is creepy. But hot.
Kirk is confused that Mirror!Spock did not kill Tiberius. I don’t think he understands the concept of evil boyfriends. The number of times he says ‘my Captain Kirk’ - seriously.
Shatner is rather fond of voles. I wish he could choose another small omnivorous mammal to talk about. Someone is insultingly called a vole, someone threatens a pack of voles to eat someone alive. Voles don’t even travel in packs.
I WAS RIGHT, FOXY- Mirror!Picard has hair! He also dresses like a Klingon and has temper tantrums.
Kirk refuses to drink alcohol now, as part of his New Life, but McCoy makes him drink mint juleps. Hahah.
Mirror!Janeway kisses Kirk. This is weird and uncalled for.
There is some time spent around a fake campfire. Bones refuses to sing.
Mirror!Kirk destroyed a world for Mirror!Spock. It’s true love.
Oh no, Picard’s senior officers suffocate to death without atmosphere! No wait, Kirk saves them. Great, now I get to listen to Riker go on about whatever.
There was no Borg threat in the Mirrorverse. I guess they were fucked enough without the Borg.
Tiberius shows up at the end! GASP, cliffhanger!
Quotes:
“Spock, and yet, not Spock. As if he were a reflection cast in a dark, distorted mirror.” [This is what I have to deal with, people.]
“Now the Serenity mines were simply remnants of a bygone age, old, and cold, and useless. And James T. Kirk walked through them as if they were the fitting home for his heart and for his soul.” [MY ANGST, CANST THOU NOT FEEL IT???]
“My Lord,” McCoy grumbled, finally voicing Kirk’s own unexpressed thought, “and I thought it was bad when there was just one of you.” [McCoy cannot handle a Spock sandwich.]
[McCoy, at Kirk:] “Who died and made you a Betazoid?” [Kirk does not know what Betazoids are.]
“A stubborn, pigheaded megalomaniac with a piece of inert matter for a brain” [McCoy about Kirk]
“As if new life had suddenly burst within him as well” [Yes, that was an allusion to Kirk mpreg.]
I realized why the last sentence for each book is so hilarious- it’s because this is how he ends EVERY CHAPTER.
This book brought to you by:
“And the waiting began.”
Stranger things have occurred.
----
Title: Star Trek: Spectre [Book one of three. True to form, I will skip the second book and the next review will be on the third.]
Authors: William “Shakespeare in Love” Shatner, sorely feeling the absence of those other two nincompoops.
Pub Date: 1998
Dedicated to DeForrest, who died soon after and I’m pretty sure I know the cause, and Leonard, who is “my man, the best man”. Kids, I don’t make this shit up.
Basic Premise:
If Shatner’s halting line deliveries could be transcribed as sentences, the result would be this book. The events in THIS HERE BOOK follow directly after AVENGERRRRR because Shatner evidently wanted to take the previous trilogy that extra mile: describe as many outdoor lovemaking scenes as possible, include as many starship captains as possible, and, oh yeah, MIRROR FUCKIN UNIVERSE.
THIS HERE BOOK exposes what has occurred in the Mirrorverse since Kirk and pals flounced through that transporter anomaly back in ’66 or whenever. ’67? Don’t quote me on that, I’m too lazy to wiki it. Anyway, we remember that Kirk had given Mirror!Spock some advice to turn that ship around, so to speak. As a result of Mirror!Spock’s actions, everything over there is more messed up than before, if that’s even possible to comprehend. Regardless, it gives everyone the opportunity to blame Kirk for their misery. Kirk gets to shoulder the blame of an entire universe, try to save his kidnapped and pregnant wife-to-be, and figure out how the Mirrorverse counterparts are infiltrating his own universe. Picard gets to have his ship stolen from him, undergo torture, and go to a prison camp on an electric asteroid. Sucks to be Picard.
Notables:
Kirk throws out his back in the first few pages. Well, at least he’s showing some age! These books are certainly for the hardcore “Kirk will never die!” crowd.
He has a horse named Iowa Dream. Picard gave it to him. Thanks a fucking lot, Picard.
Oh yeah, Scotty is alive, too, because of a temporal anomaly. They are all zombies by this point, I’m sure. McCoy shows up and is all old and stuff, this is creepy. But hot.
Kirk is confused that Mirror!Spock did not kill Tiberius. I don’t think he understands the concept of evil boyfriends. The number of times he says ‘my Captain Kirk’ - seriously.
Shatner is rather fond of voles. I wish he could choose another small omnivorous mammal to talk about. Someone is insultingly called a vole, someone threatens a pack of voles to eat someone alive. Voles don’t even travel in packs.
I WAS RIGHT, FOXY- Mirror!Picard has hair! He also dresses like a Klingon and has temper tantrums.
Kirk refuses to drink alcohol now, as part of his New Life, but McCoy makes him drink mint juleps. Hahah.
Mirror!Janeway kisses Kirk. This is weird and uncalled for.
There is some time spent around a fake campfire. Bones refuses to sing.
Mirror!Kirk destroyed a world for Mirror!Spock. It’s true love.
Oh no, Picard’s senior officers suffocate to death without atmosphere! No wait, Kirk saves them. Great, now I get to listen to Riker go on about whatever.
There was no Borg threat in the Mirrorverse. I guess they were fucked enough without the Borg.
Tiberius shows up at the end! GASP, cliffhanger!
Quotes:
“Spock, and yet, not Spock. As if he were a reflection cast in a dark, distorted mirror.” [This is what I have to deal with, people.]
“Now the Serenity mines were simply remnants of a bygone age, old, and cold, and useless. And James T. Kirk walked through them as if they were the fitting home for his heart and for his soul.” [MY ANGST, CANST THOU NOT FEEL IT???]
“My Lord,” McCoy grumbled, finally voicing Kirk’s own unexpressed thought, “and I thought it was bad when there was just one of you.” [McCoy cannot handle a Spock sandwich.]
[McCoy, at Kirk:] “Who died and made you a Betazoid?” [Kirk does not know what Betazoids are.]
“A stubborn, pigheaded megalomaniac with a piece of inert matter for a brain” [McCoy about Kirk]
“As if new life had suddenly burst within him as well” [Yes, that was an allusion to Kirk mpreg.]
I realized why the last sentence for each book is so hilarious- it’s because this is how he ends EVERY CHAPTER.
This book brought to you by:
“And the waiting began.”