I'm afraid that I.
- Ugh, reading all the reports from Panic at the Fillmore, I keep wanting to comment in all caps saying OMG HOW DID RYAN SOUND SINGING? And also just generally flail. BECAUSE, UGH, RYAN SINGING LEAD VOCALS. RYAN ROSS AND HIS VOOOOOOOICE. I'M DYING JUST HEARING ABOUT IT SECONDHAND, WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN TO ME WHEN THE ALBUM COMES OUT? Then again, I'm glad for it, because there are only so many times I can rewind to -0:35 on Karma Police. (What's especially ridiculous is that I know that time signature OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD.)
- I am so pumped for HCT, it's RIFUCKULOUS. But, yeah, them re-arranging their old songs? Ugh. Ugh. This is going to be fantastic. I am so glad I bought that second ticket, if just so I can *hear* the new stuff with the old stuff two nights in a row.
And now a whole lot of severe meh about my life.
- My life sucks! No, not really, I just think that it sucks. But I'm spending a lot of my time thinking about this suckage. More than I think I should be. I believe this bout of omg-I-hate-my-stupid-life started when I found out that I actually can't turn in my thesis late because of the WASC crap going on with my school, so, um. No Bachelor's Degree for me. Fuck. Fuckfuckfuck. I am really pretty unfuckinghappy about this and don't know how I want to proceed. I'm so fucking burned out on school, and was long before the program finished up (hence the super slacking on the thesis). My avoidance definitely came back to bite me in the ass. Fuck. Also, um, even though I'm mentioning this here, I don't especially want to talk about it right now. I'm, just, ugh. UUUUUUUUUGH. That sound pretty much summarizes how I'm feeling towards school and work and my motherfucking future.
- But, yeah. I am not pleased with my life--hmm, maybe more with myself--right now. I got a physical today and, it's weird, I feel like I should be happy because all in all, I'm fairly healthy, but. Eh. I'm pretty severely sedentary and I feel tired most of the time and I'm not comfortable with my weight right now. 162 doesn't seem like some earth-shattering number to the objective side of my brain, but there's this other part of me that is very aware of the fact that for basically the entire rest of my life I've been around 135. So much of this bullshit is social, too, and this social conditioning in my brain that "anything not skinny" = "bad" and that therefore I = bad, and that this is just one of many signs that I'm the monumental failure that I secretly sometimes think I am. UGH, THIS IS SO FUCKED UP. I mean, I hate that I essentially go around comparing myself to every person out there that holds a fulltime job and see myself coming up short of them, because I just have this ingrained sense that I won't be a full person/real adult/worthy contributor to the human race until I've joined those ranks. Blah. I don't even want to get started thinking about money. Fucking money. I fucking hate money and if I never had to deal with money again it would be too motherfucking soon. HONESTLY.
- And, to keep up with the cheerful fun, I'm having a minor freak out about my writing. I don't even think it's quite that I have writer's block. It's more... hmmm. I'm gaining this weird hyper-awareness of the *reasons* I write, and the reasons other people write, and especially looking at those in a fannish context, I'm having all kinds of weird thoughts and blockages come up. I, hmmm. I'm struggling with my writing, like, what do I want my writing to *say*? What do I want it to mean? Why am I saying what I'm saying? Why have I been saying all the things I've been saying in all the stuff I've previously written? Where do I want to put my time and effort into--researching so that my writing is more accurate? Honing my craft by working harder on things like plot, theme, structure and mechanics? Now that I have much more of an understanding of why I write the stories I write, do I want to delve even *more* into writing about myself or back off from it? How much am I comfortable revealing about my experiences and inner thought processes in the vehicle of fiction?
I really don't have any answers to these questions yet. Part of me feels like I really do want to write stories about myself, but I guess part of me is freaking out at the possibility of *consciously* doing so. Like that would be too, hmmm, I almost want to say egotistical, but that isn't the entirety of my judgment. I'm scared at some of what might come out, definitely, and also about the fact that some of the stories I have to tell don't have nice, neat endings or satisfying resolutions. Sigh. I don't know. The words and stories are there, and I'm not entirely sure what I want to do with them yet. (I wouldn't be surprised if some of my general irritation is coming from my indecision about my writing, heh. This is probably the longest I've gone without writing regularly since I started back up two years ago.)
- I have an appointment with Maria on Thursday, oh, THANK GOD. I am so looking forward to just have an hour that's all about nurturing and taking care of me. I. I spend so much time trying to take care of others that I fall to the wayside on my own a lot. If there's any way I can swing it financially I think I want to try and see Maria once a week, and maybe a talk therapist once a week? I think talk therapy would be good for me just in the sense that, God, someone I could just talk to? That would be nice. Rather, than, y'know, spewing out vents to my LJ.
- Um, speaking of which, maybe I should note that right now I'm feeling extremely hostile towards advice. Like, I don't especially want to hear that everything's going to be okay. I just want to vent and get it off my chest.
- I went on a lovely drive today. Everything is so green, right now, heralding the coming spring. The grass was so beautiful. I parked out in Nicasio and after compulsively cleaning the interior of my car (which I never clean, so that was interesting) I watched the clouds float by. I think it's so amazing how driving down the road the clouds look perfectly still, but slowing down and stopping and really watching the sky I could finally see how they moved with the wind, slowly, as a singular body, almost. Just beautiful.
- I was sick for almost a week but now I'm better, yaaay. And I watched a fuckload of TV while I was sick, so now I shall ramble on that.
- Deep Space Nine: I polished off Season 6 of all in one day, something like nine episodes. Kind of awesome. It's all kind of a blur now, so I'm not sure I had much to say about it.
- Oh, wait, yes, I did! Nerys and Odo are SO FREAKING CUTE UGH. I kind of can't stand them and their adorableness. Their first kiss scene always cracks me the hell up (even as I melt to a puddle inside). I don't think I need to mention that I still find Nerys hot like burning hotness. Although the episode with her and her mom :(
- And, AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA OMG HOW MUCH DID I LOVE QUARK AS LUMBA? HOW MUCH? SO MUCH MORE THAN I COULD QUANTIFY WITH WORDS. Quark had canonical BREASTS. I LOVE MY SHOW SO MUCH. Also, I'm very down with Sisko exploring the whole Emissary thing more; I always found that fascinating.
- There were two episodes where I was bummed that they couldn't explore the storylines more: the Valiant ship (the Red Squad crew of cadets) and adult!Molly. I loved seeing Jake and Nog on the Valiant ship and just how different the dynamics of running a ship like that were with a younger crew. So often it seems like any attempt to explore of the lives of younger folks on these shows is boring precisely because they're almost always civilians and/or in the way, but the Valiant crew was a storyline I could have watched a good three-parter episode about without getting bored. And, aw, man! Adult!Molly! She could have been *so* cool. I would have loved to see her re-integrate. Not that Star Trek ever really goes there, but, still, would have been neat.
- The Next Generation: deardotti and I have been watching more. Um. Some of this season is just so, so bad. I'm having a hard time watching some of these episodes. I mean, I love the characters all around for the most part, but the PLOTS, I, just. They hurt me. And much of the guest stars' acting, too.
Anywho, my favorite bits:
- The Data/Geordi nods and glances. Ugh, tinheart, you were *so* right. And the two of them painting. Data spending his recreation hours with Geordi, awww. I have such big hearts in my eyes every time those two are on-screen together.
- The fact that Riker wants to do everyone he sets his eyes on. Ahahaha, him in that frilly outfit with the crotch cup, I was *dying*. And Tasha and Deanna so had a moment giggling at him, too. I am so convinced those two are getting it on.
- Picard speaking insect language. deardotti and I are scheming how to make this a ringtone, because, hello, ENDLESS LOLARITY.
- Lore! I mean, not that Lore is a great guy or anything, but I have a weakness for twins, even the clichéd evil ones. You really can't go wrong with double the Brent Spiner goodness.
- The little guessing games deardotti and I play while watching, like "will Worf get to punch someone this episode?" "Will it be Wesley?" "Will the admiral's age revert until he's a tiny little baby? Will Picard make a profound statement about the wisdom of moderation, followed by Riker making what's supposed to be a 'moral of the story statement' that sounds more like thinly-veiled innuendo?"
- Primeval: Finally started watching S2. It was much like my experience watching S1, actually, where the first couple episodes I was like "...really?" but by the end I was all, "SHOW, NEVER LEAVE ME!" The Nick/Connor this season has just been killer, hot damn. Also, Stephen can double cross me any day as long as he look so hot while he does it. The whole Abby/Connor thing didn't bother me nearly as much as I expected it would; I found it pretty cute. And I still love Connor's fashion sense like whoa.
- I had an awful moment where I thought Caroline had killed Rex and was about to break up with the show, because, REX. ♥ (As an aside, if Abby actually keeps her Bearded Dragon in a tank that small, she is a really bad pet owner. Just saying.)
- I'm only so-so on Jenny thus far. I was only so-so on Claudia, as well. I'm kinda bummed they didn't bring the military guy who was always flirting with Nick back, to be honest. Lester, who I wasn't too hot on last season, has been cracking my shit up, especially Lester/Mammoth (OTP). Poor Leek and his unrequited love for Lester.
- I am sooooo frustrated I can't watch 2x07. Even VLC doesn't like the file. :( WOEFACE IS ME.
- H20: What the hell, while I'm talking about shows, why don't I complain about this one? I, just. Why did they introduce this new girl the way they did if they had any intention of the audience ever liking her? And, okay, maybe that's dumb to say because I was pretty easily sold on Zane despite his initial asshole-hood, but I blame that all on the Fire Kiss of Angsty OTP-dom. (Ugh, that moment, it killed me. I loved Rikki during her angsty powers-out-of-control phase.) But, ugh, whatever. They're the three musketeers of mermaids, and trying to introduce someone else into the dynamic at this point, ESPECIALLY SOMEONE UNLIKABLE, just seems ill-advised. My cousin and I were yelling at our screen when she stepped into the moon pool, we were sososososo not wanting to see it happen. Sigh.
Reminders to self for tomorrow: call Kaiser re: appointments and chiropractic coverage, e-mail Alan re: Burning Man (I'm going to Burning Man, you guys! EEEEEEE!), deposit check and withdraw $$ for Thursday.
For week: talk to David about plans, make sure to turn in Timesheet to Greg, close some fucking tabs omg (bookmarking writing first?). Other crap could work on: finish screencapping projects (NITA, NATM, and maybe NX?), clear out inbox, catch up on watching/bookmarking/saving various clips.
And I have this urge to rent the entire first season of Stargate: Atlantis and just watch it all in one or two extended sittings. But I don't have a membership to any rental places anymore and it somehow wouldn't be the same renting it from Netflix so I suppose the occasionally catching-re-reuns-on-Sci Fi plan shall have to suffice for now.
- I am so pumped for HCT, it's RIFUCKULOUS. But, yeah, them re-arranging their old songs? Ugh. Ugh. This is going to be fantastic. I am so glad I bought that second ticket, if just so I can *hear* the new stuff with the old stuff two nights in a row.
And now a whole lot of severe meh about my life.
- My life sucks! No, not really, I just think that it sucks. But I'm spending a lot of my time thinking about this suckage. More than I think I should be. I believe this bout of omg-I-hate-my-stupid-life started when I found out that I actually can't turn in my thesis late because of the WASC crap going on with my school, so, um. No Bachelor's Degree for me. Fuck. Fuckfuckfuck. I am really pretty unfuckinghappy about this and don't know how I want to proceed. I'm so fucking burned out on school, and was long before the program finished up (hence the super slacking on the thesis). My avoidance definitely came back to bite me in the ass. Fuck. Also, um, even though I'm mentioning this here, I don't especially want to talk about it right now. I'm, just, ugh. UUUUUUUUUGH. That sound pretty much summarizes how I'm feeling towards school and work and my motherfucking future.
- But, yeah. I am not pleased with my life--hmm, maybe more with myself--right now. I got a physical today and, it's weird, I feel like I should be happy because all in all, I'm fairly healthy, but. Eh. I'm pretty severely sedentary and I feel tired most of the time and I'm not comfortable with my weight right now. 162 doesn't seem like some earth-shattering number to the objective side of my brain, but there's this other part of me that is very aware of the fact that for basically the entire rest of my life I've been around 135. So much of this bullshit is social, too, and this social conditioning in my brain that "anything not skinny" = "bad" and that therefore I = bad, and that this is just one of many signs that I'm the monumental failure that I secretly sometimes think I am. UGH, THIS IS SO FUCKED UP. I mean, I hate that I essentially go around comparing myself to every person out there that holds a fulltime job and see myself coming up short of them, because I just have this ingrained sense that I won't be a full person/real adult/worthy contributor to the human race until I've joined those ranks. Blah. I don't even want to get started thinking about money. Fucking money. I fucking hate money and if I never had to deal with money again it would be too motherfucking soon. HONESTLY.
- And, to keep up with the cheerful fun, I'm having a minor freak out about my writing. I don't even think it's quite that I have writer's block. It's more... hmmm. I'm gaining this weird hyper-awareness of the *reasons* I write, and the reasons other people write, and especially looking at those in a fannish context, I'm having all kinds of weird thoughts and blockages come up. I, hmmm. I'm struggling with my writing, like, what do I want my writing to *say*? What do I want it to mean? Why am I saying what I'm saying? Why have I been saying all the things I've been saying in all the stuff I've previously written? Where do I want to put my time and effort into--researching so that my writing is more accurate? Honing my craft by working harder on things like plot, theme, structure and mechanics? Now that I have much more of an understanding of why I write the stories I write, do I want to delve even *more* into writing about myself or back off from it? How much am I comfortable revealing about my experiences and inner thought processes in the vehicle of fiction?
I really don't have any answers to these questions yet. Part of me feels like I really do want to write stories about myself, but I guess part of me is freaking out at the possibility of *consciously* doing so. Like that would be too, hmmm, I almost want to say egotistical, but that isn't the entirety of my judgment. I'm scared at some of what might come out, definitely, and also about the fact that some of the stories I have to tell don't have nice, neat endings or satisfying resolutions. Sigh. I don't know. The words and stories are there, and I'm not entirely sure what I want to do with them yet. (I wouldn't be surprised if some of my general irritation is coming from my indecision about my writing, heh. This is probably the longest I've gone without writing regularly since I started back up two years ago.)
- I have an appointment with Maria on Thursday, oh, THANK GOD. I am so looking forward to just have an hour that's all about nurturing and taking care of me. I. I spend so much time trying to take care of others that I fall to the wayside on my own a lot. If there's any way I can swing it financially I think I want to try and see Maria once a week, and maybe a talk therapist once a week? I think talk therapy would be good for me just in the sense that, God, someone I could just talk to? That would be nice. Rather, than, y'know, spewing out vents to my LJ.
- Um, speaking of which, maybe I should note that right now I'm feeling extremely hostile towards advice. Like, I don't especially want to hear that everything's going to be okay. I just want to vent and get it off my chest.
- I went on a lovely drive today. Everything is so green, right now, heralding the coming spring. The grass was so beautiful. I parked out in Nicasio and after compulsively cleaning the interior of my car (which I never clean, so that was interesting) I watched the clouds float by. I think it's so amazing how driving down the road the clouds look perfectly still, but slowing down and stopping and really watching the sky I could finally see how they moved with the wind, slowly, as a singular body, almost. Just beautiful.
- I was sick for almost a week but now I'm better, yaaay. And I watched a fuckload of TV while I was sick, so now I shall ramble on that.
- Deep Space Nine: I polished off Season 6 of all in one day, something like nine episodes. Kind of awesome. It's all kind of a blur now, so I'm not sure I had much to say about it.
- Oh, wait, yes, I did! Nerys and Odo are SO FREAKING CUTE UGH. I kind of can't stand them and their adorableness. Their first kiss scene always cracks me the hell up (even as I melt to a puddle inside). I don't think I need to mention that I still find Nerys hot like burning hotness. Although the episode with her and her mom :(
- And, AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA OMG HOW MUCH DID I LOVE QUARK AS LUMBA? HOW MUCH? SO MUCH MORE THAN I COULD QUANTIFY WITH WORDS. Quark had canonical BREASTS. I LOVE MY SHOW SO MUCH. Also, I'm very down with Sisko exploring the whole Emissary thing more; I always found that fascinating.
- There were two episodes where I was bummed that they couldn't explore the storylines more: the Valiant ship (the Red Squad crew of cadets) and adult!Molly. I loved seeing Jake and Nog on the Valiant ship and just how different the dynamics of running a ship like that were with a younger crew. So often it seems like any attempt to explore of the lives of younger folks on these shows is boring precisely because they're almost always civilians and/or in the way, but the Valiant crew was a storyline I could have watched a good three-parter episode about without getting bored. And, aw, man! Adult!Molly! She could have been *so* cool. I would have loved to see her re-integrate. Not that Star Trek ever really goes there, but, still, would have been neat.
- The Next Generation: deardotti and I have been watching more. Um. Some of this season is just so, so bad. I'm having a hard time watching some of these episodes. I mean, I love the characters all around for the most part, but the PLOTS, I, just. They hurt me. And much of the guest stars' acting, too.
Anywho, my favorite bits:
- The Data/Geordi nods and glances. Ugh, tinheart, you were *so* right. And the two of them painting. Data spending his recreation hours with Geordi, awww. I have such big hearts in my eyes every time those two are on-screen together.
- The fact that Riker wants to do everyone he sets his eyes on. Ahahaha, him in that frilly outfit with the crotch cup, I was *dying*. And Tasha and Deanna so had a moment giggling at him, too. I am so convinced those two are getting it on.
- Picard speaking insect language. deardotti and I are scheming how to make this a ringtone, because, hello, ENDLESS LOLARITY.
- Lore! I mean, not that Lore is a great guy or anything, but I have a weakness for twins, even the clichéd evil ones. You really can't go wrong with double the Brent Spiner goodness.
- The little guessing games deardotti and I play while watching, like "will Worf get to punch someone this episode?" "Will it be Wesley?" "Will the admiral's age revert until he's a tiny little baby? Will Picard make a profound statement about the wisdom of moderation, followed by Riker making what's supposed to be a 'moral of the story statement' that sounds more like thinly-veiled innuendo?"
- Primeval: Finally started watching S2. It was much like my experience watching S1, actually, where the first couple episodes I was like "...really?" but by the end I was all, "SHOW, NEVER LEAVE ME!" The Nick/Connor this season has just been killer, hot damn. Also, Stephen can double cross me any day as long as he look so hot while he does it. The whole Abby/Connor thing didn't bother me nearly as much as I expected it would; I found it pretty cute. And I still love Connor's fashion sense like whoa.
- I had an awful moment where I thought Caroline had killed Rex and was about to break up with the show, because, REX. ♥ (As an aside, if Abby actually keeps her Bearded Dragon in a tank that small, she is a really bad pet owner. Just saying.)
- I'm only so-so on Jenny thus far. I was only so-so on Claudia, as well. I'm kinda bummed they didn't bring the military guy who was always flirting with Nick back, to be honest. Lester, who I wasn't too hot on last season, has been cracking my shit up, especially Lester/Mammoth (OTP). Poor Leek and his unrequited love for Lester.
- I am sooooo frustrated I can't watch 2x07. Even VLC doesn't like the file. :( WOEFACE IS ME.
- H20: What the hell, while I'm talking about shows, why don't I complain about this one? I, just. Why did they introduce this new girl the way they did if they had any intention of the audience ever liking her? And, okay, maybe that's dumb to say because I was pretty easily sold on Zane despite his initial asshole-hood, but I blame that all on the Fire Kiss of Angsty OTP-dom. (Ugh, that moment, it killed me. I loved Rikki during her angsty powers-out-of-control phase.) But, ugh, whatever. They're the three musketeers of mermaids, and trying to introduce someone else into the dynamic at this point, ESPECIALLY SOMEONE UNLIKABLE, just seems ill-advised. My cousin and I were yelling at our screen when she stepped into the moon pool, we were sososososo not wanting to see it happen. Sigh.
Reminders to self for tomorrow: call Kaiser re: appointments and chiropractic coverage, e-mail Alan re: Burning Man (I'm going to Burning Man, you guys! EEEEEEE!), deposit check and withdraw $$ for Thursday.
For week: talk to David about plans, make sure to turn in Timesheet to Greg, close some fucking tabs omg (bookmarking writing first?). Other crap could work on: finish screencapping projects (NITA, NATM, and maybe NX?), clear out inbox, catch up on watching/bookmarking/saving various clips.
And I have this urge to rent the entire first season of Stargate: Atlantis and just watch it all in one or two extended sittings. But I don't have a membership to any rental places anymore and it somehow wouldn't be the same renting it from Netflix so I suppose the occasionally catching-re-reuns-on-Sci Fi plan shall have to suffice for now.