OMFG... pirates.
Inside the Hollywood Star Chamber: In Which Five Clones of Karl Malden Choose the Oscar Winners
5: It wasn't the one with the gay cowboy and his journalist boyfriend who hate black people and travel around Europe trying to blow up Joseph McCarthy?
Best Actress
2: Shouldn't we just select the winner by the same, trusted criterion we use every year? To wit: which chick was the nakedest the mostest?
1, 3, 4, and 5: Oh, yeah, of course, Rachel Weisz, delightful, etc.
2: Although, come on. That movie was a total snooze. What a dud of a title: The Constant Gardener. It evokes the thrilling spectacle of someone gardening...constantly.
4: I can't wait for the sequel -- The Intermittent Landscaper.
3: The Sporadic Pool Cleaner.
4: Can we please give it to Keira Knightley? Please, please, please? She's so delicious.
2: But she wasn't even that good in that movie.
3: You actually saw Pride & Prejudice?
2: Do I lactate?
3: No.
2: So -- no. But come on -- it's Keira Knightley. We only nominated her to fill out a dress.
4: Hi, Keira. Welcome to the Oscars. Please fill out your name and a dress.
Best Actor
5: How about Joaquin Phoenix?
2: How about Joaquin out of here? We're not giving it to the guy whose name sounds like a pharmaceutical company.
5: Although Rocking Phoenix is an excellent drug. For, you know, those problems. It's entirely herbal. I buy it at the counter at the convenience store.
5: Let's give it to Hoffman for Capote.
3: Did you even see that film?
5: Do I lactate?
3: Occasionally.
5: It's true. It's a side effect of the Rocking Phoenix. But that doesn't change the fact that Hoffman has been doing superior work for years, and has gone totally unrecognized by the Academy. And this, his role as Truman Capote, is his best work yet. He disappears into the role in a way few actors today are skilled enough -- or brave enough -- to do.
Best Picture
2: My vote goes for Crash. What a brave, insightful film. It's about time someone said what we've all been thinking about Mexican locksmiths.
1, 3, 4, and 5: Seriously, it's true, I concur, I always have my locks changed twice, etc.
1: That film was raw. Maybe a little too raw.
5: Also it sucked.
1, 2, 3, and 4: Yes, of course, too true, that must be considered as well, I always have my locks changed twice, etc.
Brokeback Mountain
3: I can't endorse this film. They say it's a universal love story, to which I say, "Sure, if you live in a universe of butt pirates."
4: Stop it! Stop it! All of you! I can't believe what I'm hearing! This is a tender, thoughtful movie about love and what can happen when we stifle our true natures! Full of powerful acting, deft directing, and beautiful panoramic scenery! There's a message in here for everyone -- even us, five clones of Karl Malden!
2: Did you even see this movie?
4: Do I lactate?
2: I'm starting to wonder.
4: No! I don't! The only thing I was leaking during this film were tears. Tears of compassion. And they weren't coming from my teats, but from my eyes! My eyes!
5: It wasn't the one with the gay cowboy and his journalist boyfriend who hate black people and travel around Europe trying to blow up Joseph McCarthy?
Best Actress
2: Shouldn't we just select the winner by the same, trusted criterion we use every year? To wit: which chick was the nakedest the mostest?
1, 3, 4, and 5: Oh, yeah, of course, Rachel Weisz, delightful, etc.
2: Although, come on. That movie was a total snooze. What a dud of a title: The Constant Gardener. It evokes the thrilling spectacle of someone gardening...constantly.
4: I can't wait for the sequel -- The Intermittent Landscaper.
3: The Sporadic Pool Cleaner.
4: Can we please give it to Keira Knightley? Please, please, please? She's so delicious.
2: But she wasn't even that good in that movie.
3: You actually saw Pride & Prejudice?
2: Do I lactate?
3: No.
2: So -- no. But come on -- it's Keira Knightley. We only nominated her to fill out a dress.
4: Hi, Keira. Welcome to the Oscars. Please fill out your name and a dress.
Best Actor
5: How about Joaquin Phoenix?
2: How about Joaquin out of here? We're not giving it to the guy whose name sounds like a pharmaceutical company.
5: Although Rocking Phoenix is an excellent drug. For, you know, those problems. It's entirely herbal. I buy it at the counter at the convenience store.
5: Let's give it to Hoffman for Capote.
3: Did you even see that film?
5: Do I lactate?
3: Occasionally.
5: It's true. It's a side effect of the Rocking Phoenix. But that doesn't change the fact that Hoffman has been doing superior work for years, and has gone totally unrecognized by the Academy. And this, his role as Truman Capote, is his best work yet. He disappears into the role in a way few actors today are skilled enough -- or brave enough -- to do.
Best Picture
2: My vote goes for Crash. What a brave, insightful film. It's about time someone said what we've all been thinking about Mexican locksmiths.
1, 3, 4, and 5: Seriously, it's true, I concur, I always have my locks changed twice, etc.
1: That film was raw. Maybe a little too raw.
5: Also it sucked.
1, 2, 3, and 4: Yes, of course, too true, that must be considered as well, I always have my locks changed twice, etc.
Brokeback Mountain
3: I can't endorse this film. They say it's a universal love story, to which I say, "Sure, if you live in a universe of butt pirates."
4: Stop it! Stop it! All of you! I can't believe what I'm hearing! This is a tender, thoughtful movie about love and what can happen when we stifle our true natures! Full of powerful acting, deft directing, and beautiful panoramic scenery! There's a message in here for everyone -- even us, five clones of Karl Malden!
2: Did you even see this movie?
4: Do I lactate?
2: I'm starting to wonder.
4: No! I don't! The only thing I was leaking during this film were tears. Tears of compassion. And they weren't coming from my teats, but from my eyes! My eyes!