Musings...
I've told myself that I would dedicate time every day to writing now. I've been successful for the past 4 days, keeping most of it in a notebook, and I've wondered how it would be different to write here. On Livejournal...
Things with the best friend are okay right now. I think. She's still acting a little weirdly. And she keeps bringing up that I ignore her when I read. But... She's the same way when she's working. I don't really understand what's wrong with getting really absorbed into reading. Lately the books I've been reading have all been gay-related. I feel... More normal when I read things like that. I feel like less of a freak for being a lesbian.
I know I shouldn't. But I really do feel like a freak for being gay. It's one of those things where I know that people accept me and care about me regardless... But that doesn't make me feel any less alone.
And people joke and stuff about my sexuality. And... It's fine. It really is. Just... Sometimes... It makes me feel even more separated from everyone else.
I just thought of a moment a few days ago when I was eating with my best friend in the dining hall. A girl from my hall was talking to a guy and my bestie and I were speculating as to what her relationship to this man entailed. Later on, my best friend went over to where the girl and a few other (female) hallmates were sitting and they discussed what happened. I sat halfway across the dining hall, just watching.
In that moment, I felt like that was how things were with me and the rest of my hallmates. I sit and watch while they talk about boys, but I'm so far away from those conversations. And it's the same way when I talk about women. They're just so far away. They know what I'm saying. They understand the words that come out of my mouth. But... They're separated.
I know I shouldn't think of it that way. I know I should just... Get over it. I mean... I know gays only make up about 2% of the US population, but I feel like I'll just... Never find the ones I'm supposed to be around.
Sure, I have friends that are gay or bi and they get it. They understand the feelings that I have. They can do more than just sympathize. But... They're all the "popular" gays if that makes any sense.
They're desired. People are constanly chasing them and wanting to talk to them when it's not at all like that for me. I'm not desired. Not much at all.
Maybe it's a confidence thing? Maybe if I were confident like I know they are, more comfortable with myself, people would pursue me like they persue them...?
I don't know. I guess that sums up my thoughts for today.