(no subject)
A little frustrated lately. Feeling whiny. I don't know how I feel about going home. Or I do know how I feel but can't articulate it. Or something.
People don't know what I did on my 19th birthday. Already having established my pattern of going to bed as late as possible so I could sleep through the day, I woke up in the early afternoon and listened to my mother sobbing through the door. My room is adjacent to hers, and I don't know if the noise was coming from in there or from downstairs. I had my stash of Benadryl so I could go back to sleep if necessary, but I just lay in bed and stared at the wall. I looked at the doorknob and wondered if it was locked. If it wasn't locked and she came in, I'd have nowhere to go except out the window. I thought about that option and it didn't sound too bad. My birthday was grand. Fuck everything. The summer was a sleepy, dark haze; I was constantly avoiding things, that is, when I could avoid them; other times, I just cried. I wanted to get under the bed but I felt like I could be found even there. When I think about doing that again, waiting to fall out the window onto some spiky object, all of my bones breaking, I feel this dread that's disgusting. I haven't been home since the summer. Winter break. If it is the same way I don't know what I will do. If Christmas rolls around and I sit in my room, afraid to even go to the bathroom we share because my mother could be standing there, demanding answers about my disgusting gay life, I think I could literally do something crazy. I get so bitter and jealous of other people sometimes I could scream. I could fall out the window.
I've been such a bad student lately. Sigh.
I saw an Asian grrl the other day and thought how great I'd look in what she was wearing. I could coordinate it better, too--a black skirt, grey turtleneck, short wool jacket, tan pumps. How I'd curl my hair in the morning, drink black coffee to get ready. People would stare.
In a mood again. I don't feel like being alone but it's what I conditioned myself to. I still don't feel like it though.
People don't know what I did on my 19th birthday. Already having established my pattern of going to bed as late as possible so I could sleep through the day, I woke up in the early afternoon and listened to my mother sobbing through the door. My room is adjacent to hers, and I don't know if the noise was coming from in there or from downstairs. I had my stash of Benadryl so I could go back to sleep if necessary, but I just lay in bed and stared at the wall. I looked at the doorknob and wondered if it was locked. If it wasn't locked and she came in, I'd have nowhere to go except out the window. I thought about that option and it didn't sound too bad. My birthday was grand. Fuck everything. The summer was a sleepy, dark haze; I was constantly avoiding things, that is, when I could avoid them; other times, I just cried. I wanted to get under the bed but I felt like I could be found even there. When I think about doing that again, waiting to fall out the window onto some spiky object, all of my bones breaking, I feel this dread that's disgusting. I haven't been home since the summer. Winter break. If it is the same way I don't know what I will do. If Christmas rolls around and I sit in my room, afraid to even go to the bathroom we share because my mother could be standing there, demanding answers about my disgusting gay life, I think I could literally do something crazy. I get so bitter and jealous of other people sometimes I could scream. I could fall out the window.
I've been such a bad student lately. Sigh.
I saw an Asian grrl the other day and thought how great I'd look in what she was wearing. I could coordinate it better, too--a black skirt, grey turtleneck, short wool jacket, tan pumps. How I'd curl my hair in the morning, drink black coffee to get ready. People would stare.
In a mood again. I don't feel like being alone but it's what I conditioned myself to. I still don't feel like it though.