as real as it gets:
hi, i am a virginia beach native most commonly known as ashlee marie terry. although my mom and most of my extended family call me lulu at times. i was born on december 15th 1985. my favorite color is green and the only person i trust currently is my dog. in the winter i hate everythign becasue the cold makes me bitter. i am emotionally indifferent, except at certain times of every other month and now. i don't care about a lot of things becasue when i put my heart into something it always blows up in my face (whether it be due to decisions or lack there of on my part or some one elses). i either have nothing or everythign. there is no middle grounds with me or the guy i most recently dated. i can be stubborn, but am giving when i'm content. i would like to thank my good firend luke for pointing a few things out to me this weekend. i also appreciate him because he is honest, but don't appreciate how he sometimes twists words. the people i have been surrounding myself with lately have been great. everyone is so chill and honest which leaves no grounds for shit talk. i've been drinking way too much as of late and even indulging in other nasty habbits. after four beers i can be completely irrational as someone may have come to learn this past week. i haven't had sex in a month and have no deisre for any physical attention at this moment in time. a week or so ago i received a really sweet and charming letter from both my best friend and a dating prospect. i have yet to finish writing sterling back becasu ei don't want to talk abotu my weaknesses. i am a strong girl both emotinally and physically adn rarely let my guard down. i realize everything when it's too late and focus on the things i do not have. i am horrible at making decisions, which ultimatetly can make me a terrible person (apparently). i dont think i'll ever be able to trust anyone enough to ever date them because a lot of the time i don't trust myself. i act on impulse most of the time, rarely thinking things through. i have a hard time talking right and walking right. i have tripped/crashed/fallen a lot of times this week in more wasy than one. my body is covered in bruises as well as organs mainly my ribs and my heart. i desire attention--unfortunately, that contradicts my independence. i always freak out after spending consecutive time with the opposite sex. i am horrible at managing my time and stickign to plans. no one really knows anything about me other than the fact previously stated. (as i stated earlier) i don't like to let my guard down and/or show others my weaknesses. i have been through a lot, but not as much as you, you or you. i don't talk about my problems because no one could begin to understand. i associate any type of emotion with weaknesses in personal character. i was forced to grow up way too fast and commitment scares the piss out of me. i don't normally jusge people's character unless they have personally wronged me. recently i've been more forgiving than in any other past situation. i hate when people think a personal situation of theirs is worse than the one i may be involved in and vice versa. different people have different perspectives. i am beginning to learn to respect them. i hate being ignored or in the dark about any situation that conerns my personal wellness. i work at chili's and the MIT hates my guts. i complaint a lot, but really love my job. i like interacting wiht people and becoming more knowledgable. everyone always says i get what i want, but to be honest i rarely know what that is until it's too late. i don't really know who i am anymore or what i am going to do with my life, but i''ll bet you a hundred bucks 89.96 percent of the population feels that way. i can see sadness in a lot of people's eyes. i 've been tryign to help others for the past few months in hopes i could raise myown spirits, but to noo avail. part of me wants to pack up and move home and the other part is okay with drifting through life, as i am. greensboro has ripped me to pieces. i have done everything i hate and hated most of what i've done. this city makes people monsters. i never thought so many shitty people could occupy the same town. then again, i haven't traveled much. i have been involved in more drama in this city than the 18 years i lived in virginia beach. to be honest had i grown up here i probably would have klled myself ten years ago. i hate drama. i hate shit talk. i get a kick out of being a sarcastic bitch to peopel i don't like, but for some reason have only recently been one to my friends. i make a lot of mistakes or have more recently. i started spiralling downward a long time ago, but for some reason i kept climbing the latter just to fall down another shoot. i used to be pretty optimistic about everything ("used to" being the key words). i have no hope or passion for much of anything. my mom told me to listen to these religious/motivational tapes. and adam tells me to do art. i'd really like to start painting again (if anyone would like to donate to my cause). one day i'll complete the puzzle. but for now "i no longer know who I am and I feel like the ghost of a total stranger." as cliche as that might sound. the end.