Where From Here
Never Too Close
A good deal of my previous writings have been about my inner workings- my brain and thoughts and the conflicts that tug and pull me in various directions, leaving me with no solid footing that I can see. Sure, there's been just the same amount of postings in the vein of politics and scattered news feeds and so on, but the personal stuff that I tend to keep guarded more falls along the aforementioned lines.
Regardless of it all, here I am sitting at my desk and staring out the window and down on to the rain soaked pavement below for the umpteenth time this year- brain taking over and pulling me to bits. Over time I've grown to know that most things I say and do are designs to protect my inner systems due to past inflictions. Hit them with sarcasm and keep them laughing to pull them in. Be a bit of a jerk to keep them distant. They're things that, along with other attributes, have both benefits and draw backs and equal to, what in physical terms, would only be described as keeping them "an arms length away". Close but never too close. And so on and so forth and to the end.
A long while back I hurt a good deal of people close to me. I didn't do this in the physical sense but more mental and emotional. My careless actions caused turmoil and contempt, something I was too stubborn headed to see. And by the time I lifted my head and opened my eyes and the exhaust had cleared, they were gone without as much as a flash and a bang.
I've made amends to many of those people. Whether they've accepted that, I may never honestly know. The main thing is that I've tried. Yet it all comes back to the inner workings. The designs I've put into place have become a second nature to me and a conflicted part of who I now am. And the pulling and tugging and being torn over where to go from here and what, if anything, to do next still sends me into a tizzy. Leaving it all in the past has never been my strong point.
This entry will mark the end of this journal. Unless I'm really bored. Later, fags.