up to Heaven and down to Hell
i've changed so much these past 6 months. it truly is unbelievable. i still have trouble admitting things are different now. a good different, though. i hardly ever find myself sad, only nostalgic. i can look back on the past and smile. only, Thursday i realized that smile was fake. almost forced. i'd spent so many months mourning over my own self-loss. not the loss of a "loved" one.
the moment i read the words "its over" i knew my life would drastically change, as it has. and still is. i found myself with more girl friends and fewer boyfriends. More genuine laughs and fewer synthetic smiles. i stopped going to places that i had grown to call my second and third homes and spent more time with my family. but i have increasingly changed more these last two summer months. the image of "Corrie Chandler" i once had so clearly envisioned in my mind was now faded and, somewhat, distorted. i noticed how i can hardly strike up a conversation. even with my best of friends. even with my brother. i'm now more comfortable with silence. even awkward silences. infact, i welcome them. i used to crave any boy's attention and now i don't. the only two boys i can still talk to don't care for me half as much as i care for them. and if they do, they must make it a point to keep it from me. on second though, one of them doesn't. but he lives in Florida so that doesn't help much. the other lives here. but he's too busy with his other friends to notice how much our value together has depleted. it's weird. when i'm with him, i'm so happy. i am so comfortable with him. i'm so, myself around him. all i can think of now is picturing us. doing anything and everything together. things that wouldn't mean much to anyone but him and i alone. or maybe only me. but the one thing i picture us doing most is singing. singing makes me undeniably happy. even though i've never really sang infront of him before. i hardly sing infront of anyone. not my parents. not my brother. a few friends. very few. if i have really sang infront of you, then feel honored. not that my singing is actually good enough to take the time and listen to. if anything, its the complete opposite. regardless, its what i love to do.
and, as of right now, i have decided to sing in public more. maybe it'll slow down the change. or speed it up. who knows. i just want to be seen and known as a sincerely happy person.
thank you to all those who have been sticking with me through these modifications. thank you Hannah. thank you Ashley. thank you Paige. thank you Brittney. stay with me a little longer, okay? i've almost got all the knots untied.
and thanks to all who have taken the time to read this. even though it was pretty pointless to everyone but me.
p.s. Ashley spent the night on Thursday. she really made me think about a bunch of things. we talked for hours and yet she was so unaware of how she was helping me. so an extra thanks to her.
p.s.s. i get my braces off August 10th. Ashley and i are going to have an eating party.