(no subject)
I woke up today feeling like I was run over by a herd of elephants on their way to a newly discovered peanut butter factory.
Ouch. I feel so sick. And stressed. I dont know whats wrong with me. Im paranoid about second semester already. Im scared about how I have to make my schedule the day before classes start. How I'm not feeling better with all of the problems going on. How Im scared about meeting with my advisor because I have lost more weight. How sometimes I really do wish I was just invisible because some days you dont want anyone to see your heart on your sleeve...and some days thats the only place it fits on your body.
Im supposed to see Bobby tonight. I havent seen him for the longest amount so far I think. I really do miss him, but its been hard lately to really just let myself believe in everything. And it shouldnt be like that, because I mean, once you beleive in someone or something...shouldn't that be it? Shouldnt you like, oh I dont know, always believe until you have a reason not to?
I know why Im suddenly feeling insecure and vulnerable and I cant talk about it even in my own journal because its not my business to be talking about. But I gues Ill just say that no matter what, Ive always had a few people who I knew loved eachother forever. I knew no matter how hard I cried over some stupid boy and no matter how bad I felt-- they'd always be together and in love and proof that even if not for me...love does exist and it works forever. And now Im wondering if maybe its all been an illusion. And it does hurt. A lot.
And sometimes I dont want to be this girl. I dont want to be the "sweetheart" that you "know I am". I dont want to always be willing to be your best friend adn the girl whos always going to be there for you-- whether its to bail you out or be in there with you laughing about how effed up it is that we did what we did. I mean yeah, I love being that person, but sometimes I wish I didnt feel like it was such a comfort to you. That sounds weird but look-- youve all been there and felt how it feels when you know somebody really DOES need you. You feel an obligation. And you know that even if they hurt you and even if they ruin thigns or piss you off, youll have to be there holding their head back when theyre throwing up. Because youre such a sweetheart..
Talking to kelly online about hair. I miss her so much. It was funny because she had dark dark brown hair and i had reaaaaally light blonde hair and mine was long and hers was groweing out longer...and then we both chopped our hair off in the winter..then in the summer...she dyed her hair reallllly light blonde and i dyed mine reallllllllly dark brown...we were like opposite olsens hehe. and now she dyed her hair back brown this winter and i dyed mine back blonde (or basically dirty blonde with highlights) and we're both growing it out. Shes so pretty. And i, my darlings, am jealous.
I think Ill post the new pictures of my hair. These are the ones that everyone says makes me look like an Olsen twin. Haha. I wish. ;)
The other morning =)
More under the cut!
Playing dress up while it snowed haha. Aw. Andrew just happened to be online at the time-- thus he was a perfect victem for viewing these aha.
I dont look very happy here, I think I was telling my parents to stop taking pictures haha. I had just woken up!!
this is what happens when I get bored. and lose interest. i make faces. aha.
aw, well lemme know-- blonder or no? hope everyones doing well..
Ouch. I feel so sick. And stressed. I dont know whats wrong with me. Im paranoid about second semester already. Im scared about how I have to make my schedule the day before classes start. How I'm not feeling better with all of the problems going on. How Im scared about meeting with my advisor because I have lost more weight. How sometimes I really do wish I was just invisible because some days you dont want anyone to see your heart on your sleeve...and some days thats the only place it fits on your body.
Im supposed to see Bobby tonight. I havent seen him for the longest amount so far I think. I really do miss him, but its been hard lately to really just let myself believe in everything. And it shouldnt be like that, because I mean, once you beleive in someone or something...shouldn't that be it? Shouldnt you like, oh I dont know, always believe until you have a reason not to?
I know why Im suddenly feeling insecure and vulnerable and I cant talk about it even in my own journal because its not my business to be talking about. But I gues Ill just say that no matter what, Ive always had a few people who I knew loved eachother forever. I knew no matter how hard I cried over some stupid boy and no matter how bad I felt-- they'd always be together and in love and proof that even if not for me...love does exist and it works forever. And now Im wondering if maybe its all been an illusion. And it does hurt. A lot.
And sometimes I dont want to be this girl. I dont want to be the "sweetheart" that you "know I am". I dont want to always be willing to be your best friend adn the girl whos always going to be there for you-- whether its to bail you out or be in there with you laughing about how effed up it is that we did what we did. I mean yeah, I love being that person, but sometimes I wish I didnt feel like it was such a comfort to you. That sounds weird but look-- youve all been there and felt how it feels when you know somebody really DOES need you. You feel an obligation. And you know that even if they hurt you and even if they ruin thigns or piss you off, youll have to be there holding their head back when theyre throwing up. Because youre such a sweetheart..
Talking to kelly online about hair. I miss her so much. It was funny because she had dark dark brown hair and i had reaaaaally light blonde hair and mine was long and hers was groweing out longer...and then we both chopped our hair off in the winter..then in the summer...she dyed her hair reallllly light blonde and i dyed mine reallllllllly dark brown...we were like opposite olsens hehe. and now she dyed her hair back brown this winter and i dyed mine back blonde (or basically dirty blonde with highlights) and we're both growing it out. Shes so pretty. And i, my darlings, am jealous.
I think Ill post the new pictures of my hair. These are the ones that everyone says makes me look like an Olsen twin. Haha. I wish. ;)
The other morning =)
More under the cut!
Playing dress up while it snowed haha. Aw. Andrew just happened to be online at the time-- thus he was a perfect victem for viewing these aha.
I dont look very happy here, I think I was telling my parents to stop taking pictures haha. I had just woken up!!
this is what happens when I get bored. and lose interest. i make faces. aha.
aw, well lemme know-- blonder or no? hope everyones doing well..