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So it has been a ridiculously significant amount of time since my last post. I'm not entirely sure why I stopped posting but I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that the LJ community I once had is no longer there anymore. We all grew out of our need for journals after it was no longer considered chic. Or maybe we all just got busy living life in college and figured we'd grown up from our times of teen angst. But let me tell you...those of us who found a journal cathartic are the type who never grow out of the need to express themselves through writing.
So how has my life changed? I went to Europe. Yeah-- I did it guys. You all heard me talk endlessly about Paris and about my dream and well, it's a reality now. Check my passport cause I've got the stamps.
Yes it was as amazing as I imagined and hoped. It was even more incredible than I needed it to be. I'll have to post a separate entry about it some other time when I'm in the mood to talk about Paris.
Right now I need to just...get some stuff out.
Have you ever attached somebody and your connection and experiences with them to a season? I have. Perhaps the most profound summer I ever had was attached to Will. How could I not attach to him the smell of chlorine on my skin, the cool feeling of night time sand between my toes, and the way my hot tears seemed even warmer than the hottest dog days of August? Impossible.
The first memory I have of summer is of throwing myself against the wall when my mom uttered the words "cancer is back" on the phone when I walked through the door of the beach house. The way the whole place was so empty and there were no arms to entombed myself in. He wasn't there for me. Again. As usual. He had wanted me to go there and never showed up. I slid down that wall and laid in a heap until he came back and the summer rain outside still refused to subside. I didn't say a word about it. I lived inside my own earthquakes back then.
The second memory was of my long white blonde hair, cinnamon baked skin, and red bathing suits. Red bathing suits. Red bathing suits. Red bathing suits. Nude skin. It was never supposed to be that way.
As for the other seasons? Someone owns my fall. Fall never felt like a season of its own until I went to college and noticed the season. The smell of wood stoves, the crispness of the air that makes it breathable compared to the balmy afternoon air of summer, or the way mittens felt against my skin. I can't really talk about fall. It's too many memories. Too much happening all at once. But I will say that fall will always trigger memories of long drives, strawberry milkshakes, fleece jackets, dark beautiful skies, and jeans with so many rips at the knees that I needed leggings underneath.
And then there is Cameron and there is winter.
A year ago I fell for someone prior to Cameron and got my heart destroyed. I came up with, and clung to, the idea of being "unknowable" and I truly believed it was possible. Truly hoped I suppose. I wanted to take back everything I ever said and every beautiful thing I ever did. He didn't deserve to have any of it. I wanted to obliterate him from my mind. I was jaded and bitter and experiencing such an intense malcontent that I can hardly write about it now.
So when I met Cameron you can imagine that I wasn't in the most attractive of all my mindsets. I was difficult, complicated, and angry. But he liked me. And, just like those favorite songs don't always stick at first, I didn't feel the same. I just couldn't open up. People say its an inability to trust someone but it wasn't that. It was that I couldn't FEEL anything for him becxause I had shut off that part of myself. But eventually he wore away at that and I gave in. And it was amazing.
And I can't write anymore now. I don't know. A lot has happened and I tried typing it but it just doesn't feel natural at this point. Maybe I can't update you all on my life because I don't even know if any of you are tehre anymore. I don't even know anymore.
Maybe I do need to start a new journal and just ignore everything. It's why I hate getting back in touch with people-- there's always too much to explain. So much has always already gone on.
Anyways, I hope anyone out there is doing well. I missed you all.
So it has been a ridiculously significant amount of time since my last post. I'm not entirely sure why I stopped posting but I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that the LJ community I once had is no longer there anymore. We all grew out of our need for journals after it was no longer considered chic. Or maybe we all just got busy living life in college and figured we'd grown up from our times of teen angst. But let me tell you...those of us who found a journal cathartic are the type who never grow out of the need to express themselves through writing.
So how has my life changed? I went to Europe. Yeah-- I did it guys. You all heard me talk endlessly about Paris and about my dream and well, it's a reality now. Check my passport cause I've got the stamps.
Yes it was as amazing as I imagined and hoped. It was even more incredible than I needed it to be. I'll have to post a separate entry about it some other time when I'm in the mood to talk about Paris.
Right now I need to just...get some stuff out.
Have you ever attached somebody and your connection and experiences with them to a season? I have. Perhaps the most profound summer I ever had was attached to Will. How could I not attach to him the smell of chlorine on my skin, the cool feeling of night time sand between my toes, and the way my hot tears seemed even warmer than the hottest dog days of August? Impossible.
The first memory I have of summer is of throwing myself against the wall when my mom uttered the words "cancer is back" on the phone when I walked through the door of the beach house. The way the whole place was so empty and there were no arms to entombed myself in. He wasn't there for me. Again. As usual. He had wanted me to go there and never showed up. I slid down that wall and laid in a heap until he came back and the summer rain outside still refused to subside. I didn't say a word about it. I lived inside my own earthquakes back then.
The second memory was of my long white blonde hair, cinnamon baked skin, and red bathing suits. Red bathing suits. Red bathing suits. Red bathing suits. Nude skin. It was never supposed to be that way.
As for the other seasons? Someone owns my fall. Fall never felt like a season of its own until I went to college and noticed the season. The smell of wood stoves, the crispness of the air that makes it breathable compared to the balmy afternoon air of summer, or the way mittens felt against my skin. I can't really talk about fall. It's too many memories. Too much happening all at once. But I will say that fall will always trigger memories of long drives, strawberry milkshakes, fleece jackets, dark beautiful skies, and jeans with so many rips at the knees that I needed leggings underneath.
And then there is Cameron and there is winter.
A year ago I fell for someone prior to Cameron and got my heart destroyed. I came up with, and clung to, the idea of being "unknowable" and I truly believed it was possible. Truly hoped I suppose. I wanted to take back everything I ever said and every beautiful thing I ever did. He didn't deserve to have any of it. I wanted to obliterate him from my mind. I was jaded and bitter and experiencing such an intense malcontent that I can hardly write about it now.
So when I met Cameron you can imagine that I wasn't in the most attractive of all my mindsets. I was difficult, complicated, and angry. But he liked me. And, just like those favorite songs don't always stick at first, I didn't feel the same. I just couldn't open up. People say its an inability to trust someone but it wasn't that. It was that I couldn't FEEL anything for him becxause I had shut off that part of myself. But eventually he wore away at that and I gave in. And it was amazing.
And I can't write anymore now. I don't know. A lot has happened and I tried typing it but it just doesn't feel natural at this point. Maybe I can't update you all on my life because I don't even know if any of you are tehre anymore. I don't even know anymore.
Maybe I do need to start a new journal and just ignore everything. It's why I hate getting back in touch with people-- there's always too much to explain. So much has always already gone on.
Anyways, I hope anyone out there is doing well. I missed you all.