42 months
42 month update is up on the site.
October 10, 2006
It's been three and a half years since I started testosterone and about two and a half years since chest surgery. In some ways that feels like a very long time, but I know in the big scheme of things it really isn't. There are still plenty of changes happening, even physical ones, though they may not be evident in the photos. The biggest changes I have seen in the past months have been in body hair. I am getting more chest hair and the hair in other places (face, stomach, arms, back) is expanding and filling in. I don't notice the changes over short periods of time, but once in a while I'll look at my arm or chest and realize there's a whole new patch of hair. Overall I don't see a whole lot of change in my body, even in the pictures. I guess I see a lot of change in my face, but not so much my body (other than the obvious chest surgery) even in pictures. I don't know how that compares to how other people see me. I know a lot of guys whose bodies look almost completely different than they did before testosterone, and that doesn't seem to be the case with me. Not that it really bothers me. It's not like I have a problem being read as male, and the thing I would like to change most (my height) isn't going to change no matter how much testosterone I inject.
My feelings about bottom surgery continue to change as my transition progresses. There was a point when I was fairly certain I would never want or need it. Now I can comfortably say that if it was something that I could even imagine being a financial possibility, I would most likely pursue phalloplasty. As it is, I pretty much break even every paycheck once my bills are taken care of, so affording bottom surgery is only a pipe dream. I know with a lot of hard work I would be able to finance a metaoidioplasty within a few years, but I don't think I would be satisfied enough with the results of that surgery to be able to justify the expense. I try not to think about or focus on phalloplasty too much. I don't want to drive myself crazy by obsessing over something I can't have right now. I can't completely turn off the desire, and I can't make myself any more comfortable with my genitals as they are now, but I purposefully haven't done much research or inquiry into available surgeries in an effort to not make things any harder than they already are. I think knowing more about what is possible would only make me feel worse about not being able to have it.
At this point in my life I am focusing on what it means to be a man, and a transman. There are some places in my life where I am out as trans, and others where I am not. I can't say that I prefer one over the other, each brings it's own set of challenges and advantages. Some things I like about being out are being able to talk completely openly about my entire life, including my childhood and trans-specific issues I deal with presently. At the same time I often think that once someone knows I am trans, that is always what they assume is the biggest and most important aspect of my life, which is not true. In that sense it's nice to have spaces where I am just seen as a guy, as a person first, not as a transperson. Of course in those spaces I worry about what will happen if and when people do find out I am trans. I know that figuring out how to present myself to people will be a lifelong process.
October 10, 2006
It's been three and a half years since I started testosterone and about two and a half years since chest surgery. In some ways that feels like a very long time, but I know in the big scheme of things it really isn't. There are still plenty of changes happening, even physical ones, though they may not be evident in the photos. The biggest changes I have seen in the past months have been in body hair. I am getting more chest hair and the hair in other places (face, stomach, arms, back) is expanding and filling in. I don't notice the changes over short periods of time, but once in a while I'll look at my arm or chest and realize there's a whole new patch of hair. Overall I don't see a whole lot of change in my body, even in the pictures. I guess I see a lot of change in my face, but not so much my body (other than the obvious chest surgery) even in pictures. I don't know how that compares to how other people see me. I know a lot of guys whose bodies look almost completely different than they did before testosterone, and that doesn't seem to be the case with me. Not that it really bothers me. It's not like I have a problem being read as male, and the thing I would like to change most (my height) isn't going to change no matter how much testosterone I inject.
My feelings about bottom surgery continue to change as my transition progresses. There was a point when I was fairly certain I would never want or need it. Now I can comfortably say that if it was something that I could even imagine being a financial possibility, I would most likely pursue phalloplasty. As it is, I pretty much break even every paycheck once my bills are taken care of, so affording bottom surgery is only a pipe dream. I know with a lot of hard work I would be able to finance a metaoidioplasty within a few years, but I don't think I would be satisfied enough with the results of that surgery to be able to justify the expense. I try not to think about or focus on phalloplasty too much. I don't want to drive myself crazy by obsessing over something I can't have right now. I can't completely turn off the desire, and I can't make myself any more comfortable with my genitals as they are now, but I purposefully haven't done much research or inquiry into available surgeries in an effort to not make things any harder than they already are. I think knowing more about what is possible would only make me feel worse about not being able to have it.
At this point in my life I am focusing on what it means to be a man, and a transman. There are some places in my life where I am out as trans, and others where I am not. I can't say that I prefer one over the other, each brings it's own set of challenges and advantages. Some things I like about being out are being able to talk completely openly about my entire life, including my childhood and trans-specific issues I deal with presently. At the same time I often think that once someone knows I am trans, that is always what they assume is the biggest and most important aspect of my life, which is not true. In that sense it's nice to have spaces where I am just seen as a guy, as a person first, not as a transperson. Of course in those spaces I worry about what will happen if and when people do find out I am trans. I know that figuring out how to present myself to people will be a lifelong process.