Yuri hasn't been to the monument since it was first erected -- yesterday -- but he hasn't strayed far from it, either. Lingering around the Hill through the night, the morning, without any rest or respite -- he wouldn't have found either if he tried -- he only increased his distance at Flynn's arrival, choosing to give the Commandant the private time he deserved.
That was hours ago.
Or so it feels, but Yuri isn't making much of an effort to keep track of time.
With his heart (still) as heavy as his hands -- but not as heavy as the sheathed sword he carries -- he makes his way back towards the hilltop, unsurprised to find Flynn still there. Yuri doesn't hesitate, or begin to retreat; he only watches his friend's back, his eyes narrowing slightly. After a long pause, he keeps moving, coming to a stop on Flynn's right side. He doesn't look down; he examines the grave with a distracted but serious expression, one that's difficult to read -- except for the obvious conflict in his eyes, which say more than the rest of his face, his posture, his silence, combined.
Flynn only notices Yuri’s presence when his childhood friend stops right beside him; and for him, being brought back to the present is like waking up after a long dream, only instead of feeling the welcome relief that things are as they should be, there’s only the sinking knowledge that things aren’t right at all--that they will never be the same.
But even though Yuri’s sudden (to him, anyway) appearance is what broke him out of his thoughts, he doesn’t look up or over at him. And while he does tense, his only visible reaction is to hunch his shoulders and bow his head a little more.
Yuri debates on just what to say, and how to say it; in the end, he can only be as honest as he's ever been with Flynn -- who, in turn, is as predictable as he's ever been.
"...It wasn't your call." Then, in what he tries to make a gentler voice, "For her sake, don't try to tell yourself that you could have done anything beforehand."
Flynn's fists clench, and he has to swallow hard and force his jaw to unclench before he can manage to speak; even so, his voice is quiet, rough and ragged, but not at all uncertain for all that.
"...You're wrong. It's my fault."
He raises his head a bit, though his eyes are still only for the name carved on that stone.
That stabs at Yuri's fresh guilt, but it doesn't show in his face. Or anywhere.
"...If she'd stayed in the castle, that would've only made Alexei's goal easier. Without knowing what he was planning, there's nothing you could've done to stop him. You know that."
A beat of silence.
"And with me standing right here, you're honestly going to say that my letting her tag along was your fault?" He sighs after a moment, sounding tired. "Don't do that to yourself, Flynn."
He can't answer that first part, because Yuri's right--but he can't just accept that either, because he's just so sure, he knows, he just knows that there had to be some way that he could've figured it out faster...some way that he could have done something...
But that second part, after that slight pause--Flynn knows exactly why that much of this is his fault, and his expression hardens as he stares ahead, hating that weariness in Yuri's voice; because that's his fault, too.
"You know just as well as I do that if I'd really put my mind to taking her back to the castle like I was supposed to, I could have done it, and there would have been nothing you could do to stop me."
...And then he has the answer to the first part of Yuri's statement, too.
"And if I hadn't been so quick to follow Alexei's orders in the first place--if I had done something other than simply follow orders like a good soldier...if I hadn't let my ambitions, my will to climb higher, cloud my vision so completely..."
He trails off, pressing his lips together in a grim line, obviously too angry at himself to continue.
"...Then you would've been stripped of your rank, if not worse, and been more in the dark than you ever were, now without any way of getting the higher-ups to listen to you," Yuri finishes firmly. "There would be no guarantee that you were there to help us against him, and no guarantee that he would've been stopped."
His eyes close for a pause, but that doesn't hide the frown now on his face; if anything, it accentuates it. "You let her go because you trusted me to protect her. If you want to say that your faith in me was a bad decision, I won't argue. I can't." His voice hardens, becoming final and almost impatient -- he doesn't want to have to spell it out, but Flynn obviously needs a rough shake from his wrongly founded guilt. "But the fact is that I was there when she needed someone. Saving her was up to me." His eyes open again, but they're narrow. Distant. "And I wasn't strong enough.
"Enough of the Knights are loyal to me--they wouldn't just let that happen...and I could tell that a lot of them had their doubts about the blockade orders, too."
Flynn stops briefly, because even though he's had hours to figure out what he thinks and feels about all this...it's not enough. He's not sure there will ever be enough time, because regardless of what Yuri says or thinks, nothing about this is clean-cut to Flynn, save his own personal guilt, and maybe one other thing... But he has to at least try to give Yuri an answer, and maybe in doing so, some of this will start to make a little more sense.
"I don't..." His voice isn't steady, and soon breaks; he has to swallow hard again and take a few deep breaths before going on. "...I don't regret putting my trust in you, Yuri. If you couldn't protect her from Alexei, I'm not sure anyone could have. None of us were strong enough."
After another slight pause he continues. "You said it wasn't my call...but it shouldn't have been yours, either. It wasn't your job to save her, or even protect her in the first place. And I knew--I knew how you would react in that sort of situation, and yet I--"
"Saying you knew how I'd react doesn't go back to it being your fault." Inversely, Yuri's expression and voice remain steady, no pauses, no uncertainty in his words. "I took her from you, and you say that's your fault. I chose to act on my own, and you say that's your fault."
He finally looks down at Flynn, watching his face. "You may be the closest thing to perfect most of us have seen, but you're not all-powerful. There's nothing dishonorable in acknowledging that someone else is to blame."
There's another pause, a tense several beats before he goes on, looking ahead again with a slightly lowered voice. "...If you acknowledge that none of us were strong enough to protect her, then stop acting like you have the world on your shoulders. An excuse you make for me isn't a cause for blame for you. It doesn't work that way."
Flynn is quiet for a moment, and he seems more in control when he speaks again.
"I think it's pretty obvious that Alexei is the one who's most to blame for all this...but the fact remains that I was in a position to stop him, and yet I did nothing. Ignorance isn't a good enough excuse. Just because I didn't see it until it was too late doesn't mean that I shouldn't have seen it."
Though he can feel Yuri's gaze on him, the Acting-Commandant still doesn't look over, and there's an underlying sharpness in his tone now--subtle, but as well as Yuri knows him, Flynn knows there's no hiding it.
"...But I'm not making excuses for you. Not this time."
"You shouldn't." Yuri's voice still remains the same, unchanged even in catching the addition to Flynn's. It might come off cold that way, but it's always hard for him to tell until after he speaks.
"And I'm not looking for one when I say that I had no choice."
...In hindsight, it does sound cold, but Yuri's nothing if not forward. It's not to say he doesn't regret his actions--if he tried, he couldn't give words accurate enough to how he feels, but this isn't about him. This, here, now, is about Flynn, and even if Yuri comes off rough, it's in his best friend's interest, whether it's (rightfully) redirecting blame, redirecting frustration, or just giving Flynn the light verbal smack Yuri figures he needs to do either.
.../no room on the other accounts, & this icon is too perfect not to use ♥alory_shannonJuly 4 2010, 04:19:36 UTC
“You always have a choice. You know that. You’re the one who’s always talking about how you’ve made your choices and can’t look back now. It’s not like you to deny responsibility for anything.”
The words come out sharply, just short of being outright snapped; Flynn is obviously serious about not making excuses for Yuri, and apparently he’s equally determined not to allow Yuri to make any for himself either.
“…But what I don’t understand…”
For the first time, he looks up and over at Yuri, making not the slightest attempt to hide the tears on his face. But there’s a hardness beneath that grief that even tears can’t fully conceal.
“You’ve always been about justice, about people getting what they deserve. About doing what’s right.”
There’s something almost like desperation that shakes his voice on that last word, but then it passes, and his voice is steady once more…and more strict and inflexible than ever.
“So tell me--just how was that justice, Yuri?! Lady Estellise was kind above all else--nothing at all like those self-centered nobles you hate so much! Even if you’d only known her a few months, a single day--a single hour--would be all the time you would need to spend with her to know that much! You must have known that! You must have…so how…how could you…”
Yuri still doesn't react through all of that, but when Flynn looks at him, there are only the slightest traces of an affected frown; and when silence follows Flynn's words, Yuri doesn't look away, even if he doesn't respond for a lengthy moment.
He already knows that he can't give an answer to appease Flynn's grief. There really is no answer to give, no other truth than the blunt fact that Yuri's hard hand had been forced, and only he was enough of a heartless bastard to go through with what no one else could have.
"...There was no justice in it," he admits finally, and then more gently, "...and you don't have to tell me what she was like." At last, he glances aside, but the gaze he fixes on the grave isn't really seeing. "No one deserves to be put in the position she was in. Least of all her." His eyes close again, but there's an effort in the movement this time, as if the motion is costing him some inner strength. "She cared about everyone. She wanted to help all who were hurting. Being used like she was... causing pain and suffering on the people she loved... it was killing her." His normally silent exhale is heavy. "That kindness was what kept her strong in the end."
He looks down, and now there's pure, unadulterated grief in his features--a pensive frown, softened gaze--even if his expression remains steady. "...You asked me how. It's because I saw her suffering--any doubt I had before then was gone.
"...I did make my choice, Flynn. I won't call it just, or fair. But it was my choice."
Seeing the grief on Yuri’s face just makes all of this worse--but it doesn't do anything to stop his rising anger at what his best friend is saying.
"…And that's it? That's the end of it? You killed her out of mercy, so that makes it okay somehow? You did it to stop her from suffering any more, so that means you don't still have to answer for it?"
The movement is so slow, so subtle that it could almost be unconscious, a simple reflex and nothing more; but the cold look of resolution on the Acting Commandant’s face as his hand comes to rest on the hilt of his sword makes it clear that it's intentional.
"In making that choice, you've forced me to make one of my own, Yuri. Regardless of the reason for it, you've dirtied your hands in a way that I cannot ignore." His eyes seek out Yuri's again as his grip on his sword tightens. "People like Cumore and Ragou were one thing, but if you're willing to kill innocents..."
It's all Yuri can do to keep from sighing. He doesn't bother denying Flynn's words--they're true, he figures. To a degree.--or explaining his reasoning. It simply doesn't matter. Not here. Not now.
When Flynn's grip tightens, Yuri notices, but he doesn't make a move. He only meets his friend's searching eyes, his next words solid and sure, even if they're not as forcibly detached as before.
"...I'm willing to do what I have to." To protect more innocents. To prevent the greater evil. But neither of those answers, he's sure, will satisfy Flynn, so he doesn't give them.
Stiff as he is from the indeterminable length of time he's spent kneeling in front of the grave, Flynn gets back on his feet with surprising speed, his sword clearing its sheath in an instant. And it's like a replay of their encounter in the rain-soaked alley at Capua Nor--Flynn whelming on Yuri with most, if not all his strength, Yuri defending, deflecting each blow, some only just barely.
"What you have to do! You gave up your position as a member of the Knights--you don't have to do anything, Yuri! Who made dealing with this sort of thing your responsibility? You don't HAVE to do any of this-you're just choosing to because you're too stubborn to let things be!"
Almost every other word is underlined, punctuated, emphasised with the ring of steel on steel, because this is the way--this has always been the way--that they understand each other best: when they speak with actions, not just words. Because nothing but The Truth, nothing but what they're really feeling has any place in the middle of a fight-they put too much into the fight itself to have anything left over to hide their thoughts or come up with pretty lies.
…And as is often the case where The Truth is concerned, right now those thoughts and feelings are decidedly less than pretty.
Flynn's relentless onslaught comes to a temporary halt as he brings his sword down, and instead of freeing his blade to take another swing when Yuri catches the blow, Flynn just puts more strength, more weight into the deadlock, pushing downwards, trying to force Yuri to his knees.
"…Sacrificing someone like that because it's the simplest way to solve a problem--how is that any better than looking the other way when someone's in trouble, like you've always said the nobles and the Knights always do?"
That was hours ago.
Or so it feels, but Yuri isn't making much of an effort to keep track of time.
With his heart (still) as heavy as his hands -- but not as heavy as the sheathed sword he carries -- he makes his way back towards the hilltop, unsurprised to find Flynn still there. Yuri doesn't hesitate, or begin to retreat; he only watches his friend's back, his eyes narrowing slightly. After a long pause, he keeps moving, coming to a stop on Flynn's right side. He doesn't look down; he examines the grave with a distracted but serious expression, one that's difficult to read -- except for the obvious conflict in his eyes, which say more than the rest of his face, his posture, his silence, combined.
Reply
But even though Yuri’s sudden (to him, anyway) appearance is what broke him out of his thoughts, he doesn’t look up or over at him. And while he does tense, his only visible reaction is to hunch his shoulders and bow his head a little more.
Reply
"...It wasn't your call." Then, in what he tries to make a gentler voice, "For her sake, don't try to tell yourself that you could have done anything beforehand."
Reply
"...You're wrong. It's my fault."
He raises his head a bit, though his eyes are still only for the name carved on that stone.
"I should never have let her go with you."
Reply
"...If she'd stayed in the castle, that would've only made Alexei's goal easier. Without knowing what he was planning, there's nothing you could've done to stop him. You know that."
A beat of silence.
"And with me standing right here, you're honestly going to say that my letting her tag along was your fault?" He sighs after a moment, sounding tired. "Don't do that to yourself, Flynn."
Reply
But that second part, after that slight pause--Flynn knows exactly why that much of this is his fault, and his expression hardens as he stares ahead, hating that weariness in Yuri's voice; because that's his fault, too.
"You know just as well as I do that if I'd really put my mind to taking her back to the castle like I was supposed to, I could have done it, and there would have been nothing you could do to stop me."
...And then he has the answer to the first part of Yuri's statement, too.
"And if I hadn't been so quick to follow Alexei's orders in the first place--if I had done something other than simply follow orders like a good soldier...if I hadn't let my ambitions, my will to climb higher, cloud my vision so completely..."
He trails off, pressing his lips together in a grim line, obviously too angry at himself to continue.
Reply
His eyes close for a pause, but that doesn't hide the frown now on his face; if anything, it accentuates it. "You let her go because you trusted me to protect her. If you want to say that your faith in me was a bad decision, I won't argue. I can't." His voice hardens, becoming final and almost impatient -- he doesn't want to have to spell it out, but Flynn obviously needs a rough shake from his wrongly founded guilt. "But the fact is that I was there when she needed someone. Saving her was up to me." His eyes open again, but they're narrow. Distant. "And I wasn't strong enough.
"It doesn't get anymore clean-cut than that."
Reply
Flynn stops briefly, because even though he's had hours to figure out what he thinks and feels about all this...it's not enough. He's not sure there will ever be enough time, because regardless of what Yuri says or thinks, nothing about this is clean-cut to Flynn, save his own personal guilt, and maybe one other thing... But he has to at least try to give Yuri an answer, and maybe in doing so, some of this will start to make a little more sense.
"I don't..." His voice isn't steady, and soon breaks; he has to swallow hard again and take a few deep breaths before going on. "...I don't regret putting my trust in you, Yuri. If you couldn't protect her from Alexei, I'm not sure anyone could have. None of us were strong enough."
After another slight pause he continues. "You said it wasn't my call...but it shouldn't have been yours, either. It wasn't your job to save her, or even protect her in the first place. And I knew--I knew how you would react in that sort of situation, and yet I--"
Reply
He finally looks down at Flynn, watching his face. "You may be the closest thing to perfect most of us have seen, but you're not all-powerful. There's nothing dishonorable in acknowledging that someone else is to blame."
There's another pause, a tense several beats before he goes on, looking ahead again with a slightly lowered voice. "...If you acknowledge that none of us were strong enough to protect her, then stop acting like you have the world on your shoulders. An excuse you make for me isn't a cause for blame for you. It doesn't work that way."
Reply
"I think it's pretty obvious that Alexei is the one who's most to blame for all this...but the fact remains that I was in a position to stop him, and yet I did nothing. Ignorance isn't a good enough excuse. Just because I didn't see it until it was too late doesn't mean that I shouldn't have seen it."
Though he can feel Yuri's gaze on him, the Acting-Commandant still doesn't look over, and there's an underlying sharpness in his tone now--subtle, but as well as Yuri knows him, Flynn knows there's no hiding it.
"...But I'm not making excuses for you. Not this time."
Reply
"And I'm not looking for one when I say that I had no choice."
...In hindsight, it does sound cold, but Yuri's nothing if not forward. It's not to say he doesn't regret his actions--if he tried, he couldn't give words accurate enough to how he feels, but this isn't about him. This, here, now, is about Flynn, and even if Yuri comes off rough, it's in his best friend's interest, whether it's (rightfully) redirecting blame, redirecting frustration, or just giving Flynn the light verbal smack Yuri figures he needs to do either.
Reply
The words come out sharply, just short of being outright snapped; Flynn is obviously serious about not making excuses for Yuri, and apparently he’s equally determined not to allow Yuri to make any for himself either.
“…But what I don’t understand…”
For the first time, he looks up and over at Yuri, making not the slightest attempt to hide the tears on his face. But there’s a hardness beneath that grief that even tears can’t fully conceal.
“You’ve always been about justice, about people getting what they deserve. About doing what’s right.”
There’s something almost like desperation that shakes his voice on that last word, but then it passes, and his voice is steady once more…and more strict and inflexible than ever.
“So tell me--just how was that justice, Yuri?! Lady Estellise was kind above all else--nothing at all like those self-centered nobles you hate so much! Even if you’d only known her a few months, a single day--a single hour--would be all the time you would need to spend with her to know that much! You must have known that! You must have…so how…how could you…”
Reply
He already knows that he can't give an answer to appease Flynn's grief. There really is no answer to give, no other truth than the blunt fact that Yuri's hard hand had been forced, and only he was enough of a heartless bastard to go through with what no one else could have.
"...There was no justice in it," he admits finally, and then more gently, "...and you don't have to tell me what she was like." At last, he glances aside, but the gaze he fixes on the grave isn't really seeing. "No one deserves to be put in the position she was in. Least of all her." His eyes close again, but there's an effort in the movement this time, as if the motion is costing him some inner strength. "She cared about everyone. She wanted to help all who were hurting. Being used like she was... causing pain and suffering on the people she loved... it was killing her." His normally silent exhale is heavy. "That kindness was what kept her strong in the end."
He looks down, and now there's pure, unadulterated grief in his features--a pensive frown, softened gaze--even if his expression remains steady. "...You asked me how. It's because I saw her suffering--any doubt I had before then was gone.
"...I did make my choice, Flynn. I won't call it just, or fair. But it was my choice."
Reply
"…And that's it? That's the end of it? You killed her out of mercy, so that makes it okay somehow? You did it to stop her from suffering any more, so that means you don't still have to answer for it?"
The movement is so slow, so subtle that it could almost be unconscious, a simple reflex and nothing more; but the cold look of resolution on the Acting Commandant’s face as his hand comes to rest on the hilt of his sword makes it clear that it's intentional.
"In making that choice, you've forced me to make one of my own, Yuri. Regardless of the reason for it, you've dirtied your hands in a way that I cannot ignore." His eyes seek out Yuri's again as his grip on his sword tightens. "People like Cumore and Ragou were one thing, but if you're willing to kill innocents..."
Reply
When Flynn's grip tightens, Yuri notices, but he doesn't make a move. He only meets his friend's searching eyes, his next words solid and sure, even if they're not as forcibly detached as before.
"...I'm willing to do what I have to." To protect more innocents. To prevent the greater evil. But neither of those answers, he's sure, will satisfy Flynn, so he doesn't give them.
Reply
"What you have to do! You gave up your position as a member of the Knights--you don't have to do anything, Yuri! Who made dealing with this sort of thing your responsibility? You don't HAVE to do any of this-you're just choosing to because you're too stubborn to let things be!"
Almost every other word is underlined, punctuated, emphasised with the ring of steel on steel, because this is the way--this has always been the way--that they understand each other best: when they speak with actions, not just words. Because nothing but The Truth, nothing but what they're really feeling has any place in the middle of a fight-they put too much into the fight itself to have anything left over to hide their thoughts or come up with pretty lies.
…And as is often the case where The Truth is concerned, right now those thoughts and feelings are decidedly less than pretty.
Flynn's relentless onslaught comes to a temporary halt as he brings his sword down, and instead of freeing his blade to take another swing when Yuri catches the blow, Flynn just puts more strength, more weight into the deadlock, pushing downwards, trying to force Yuri to his knees.
"…Sacrificing someone like that because it's the simplest way to solve a problem--how is that any better than looking the other way when someone's in trouble, like you've always said the nobles and the Knights always do?"
Reply
Leave a comment