Being pretty out but not wanting to be seenas trans, or something like that
Okay, that might seem a weird issue, but it really buggers me at this time.
Here's my situation: I'm not stealth, and don't actually pass that well (sadly). Most, if not all, of my friends know I have a trans background and, to put it bluntly, haven't been a girl all my life. I can be vocal (though obviously not perfect) on trans issues in the groups I am part of, and I have sometimes a bit of the role of the nasty nit-picker on trans issues.
On the other hand, I have trouble when I am identified as trans by other people (cis or trans), partly because I have trouble identifying myself with this term (for various reasons), partly because I want to be the only one to "out" myself.
And my problem is, I feel it sometimes make my social activism difficult. E.g. today the group I am part of was invited to a reunion on "trans and HIV" issues, but they wanted trans delegates and I eventually declined to go because I felt it was assigning me to "trans" and I would be seen as "trans" from the start by the other people.
And I feel bad about it, because I wonder if I want this because of internalised transphobia and so I can imagine I am cis (or at least that I "pass" or could be stealth) and feel like I am a bad activist and a traitor and whatever.
I am afraid, because I have the impression that as long as I'll keep talking openly to some people about my transness or my life before transition or whatever, even if I say "I don't really identify as trans", they will keep outing me to other people because it's obvious to them that they would have known sooner or later.
I don't want to be completely stealth but I don't want people to out me either, and I have the impression that it's just some impossible thing to ask, and it's depressing me because I sometimes have the impression that there are things that will require me to cut myself off of my current friends and my current life if I want to experience them.
I don't know if other people have gone through similar stuff, but I would love to have some advice because I really feel torn apart and don't know what to thing anymore.
Here's my situation: I'm not stealth, and don't actually pass that well (sadly). Most, if not all, of my friends know I have a trans background and, to put it bluntly, haven't been a girl all my life. I can be vocal (though obviously not perfect) on trans issues in the groups I am part of, and I have sometimes a bit of the role of the nasty nit-picker on trans issues.
On the other hand, I have trouble when I am identified as trans by other people (cis or trans), partly because I have trouble identifying myself with this term (for various reasons), partly because I want to be the only one to "out" myself.
And my problem is, I feel it sometimes make my social activism difficult. E.g. today the group I am part of was invited to a reunion on "trans and HIV" issues, but they wanted trans delegates and I eventually declined to go because I felt it was assigning me to "trans" and I would be seen as "trans" from the start by the other people.
And I feel bad about it, because I wonder if I want this because of internalised transphobia and so I can imagine I am cis (or at least that I "pass" or could be stealth) and feel like I am a bad activist and a traitor and whatever.
I am afraid, because I have the impression that as long as I'll keep talking openly to some people about my transness or my life before transition or whatever, even if I say "I don't really identify as trans", they will keep outing me to other people because it's obvious to them that they would have known sooner or later.
I don't want to be completely stealth but I don't want people to out me either, and I have the impression that it's just some impossible thing to ask, and it's depressing me because I sometimes have the impression that there are things that will require me to cut myself off of my current friends and my current life if I want to experience them.
I don't know if other people have gone through similar stuff, but I would love to have some advice because I really feel torn apart and don't know what to thing anymore.