Before coming out to myself and beginning my social transition, I made a really attractive girl and took a lot of pride in my appearance. (Honestly though, I could only relate to myself as a sex object or object of attraction. I had to objectify myself to be okay with myself. I didn't know I was doing this at the time, but I definitely see it now.) My face is very "pretty"--which, pre-T, does not translate well into my trans/queer identity. I first started exploring my gender by falling into some kind of butch phase, and I realized that even though I liked men's clothes and felt good looking more masculine, I thought I was pretty unattractive a lot of the time. I put a lot less effort into my appearance, but just attributed it to the ~manliness~ I had embodied. Now that I've figured out that I'm a boy, but femme...I've gotten to a point where I both find myself attractive AND like who I see in the mirror.
I guess my point is, maybe you need to play around with your appearance some and figure out what looks good AND feels good? I know I didn't figure it out right away. It was a lot of experimentation with different kinds of clothing styles and haircuts before I got to that point.
I'm not saying that you just "haven't figured yourself out yet"--just that trying something different might help you realize you really like the way you look with, say, a hairstyle you never really considered before.
Oh, and one more thing--if you're mostly/exclusively attracted to girls, maybe you were attracted to yourself when you presented as one, but you aren't attracted to your current presentation because you aren't attracted to guys. Just a thought.
YES that's what I had too, I was like, "oh I can't do this because then I won't 'pass' or look male/masculine," but once I got the fuck over that and just dressed like myself, it was much better. And to my surprise, I get read as male much more often now--I used to look like a butch lesbian, now I look like a gay guy. :D
Oh, and stopping with my bullshit forced butch mannerisms was really helpful too. I started making a conscious effort to be myself and realized I feel much more attractive (and more like myself) walking with a swish than with a swagger.
That's good advise. One of the best things anyone has said for my confidence was that I'm a pretty boy because my face is feminine, from a total stranger. It made me realise there's not a way to be a man or to 'pass' so I need to chillax and be comfortable.
I guess my point is, maybe you need to play around with your appearance some and figure out what looks good AND feels good? I know I didn't figure it out right away. It was a lot of experimentation with different kinds of clothing styles and haircuts before I got to that point.
I'm not saying that you just "haven't figured yourself out yet"--just that trying something different might help you realize you really like the way you look with, say, a hairstyle you never really considered before.
Oh, and one more thing--if you're mostly/exclusively attracted to girls, maybe you were attracted to yourself when you presented as one, but you aren't attracted to your current presentation because you aren't attracted to guys. Just a thought.
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Oh, and stopping with my bullshit forced butch mannerisms was really helpful too. I started making a conscious effort to be myself and realized I feel much more attractive (and more like myself) walking with a swish than with a swagger.
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