Health and transition: waiting
(also posted to "ftm")
So, this is hard for me to discuss, but I feel the need to, because I hope someone else out there might be in a similar position.
To start, some background info:
I am twenty-three years old, trans-identified, and looking to eventually go on testosterone. I have felt male as far back as I can remember, and discovered the existence of transsexualism around the age of 12, but, as I’m sure many of you can relate, I repressed the feelings for many years until it got to the point where I no longer could.
For years I tried to live “normally” in a female body, overcompensating by wearing hyper-feminine clothing and makeup, telling myself my gender-conflict would disappear, but suffered the consequences of that denial. I fell into a deep depression and nearly didn’t make it. Several near-lethal suicide attempts, an eating disorder and countless hospitalizations later, I finally decided to do something about it.
A few years ago, I decided that taking testosterone to masculinize my body to more closely align with my mental state would be the only way I could live, and I have been anticipating that event ever since. My problem is that I am currently dealing with major health issues that require treatment before I can even begin to consider taking testosterone.
The condition my endocrinologist believes I have, Cushing’s syndrome, involves an overproduction of the hormone cortisol, which causes uncontrollable weight gain, fatigue, and decreased cognitive ability, among other things.*
Provided it is treated successfully, Cushing’s syndrome in itself is not a contraindication for taking testosterone. There should be no reason why I cannot do so in a few years. But I’m not sure I can wait that long. The time frame is unclear, because the testing process to diagnose Cushing’s definitively and proceed with treatment is extensive, involving many indefinites, but it would likely be two years, minimum.
I am having a very hard time dealing with being in a female body and knowing it will be years before that will change. Despite the fact that hypercortisolism results in a "male" fat distribution centering around the midsection, Cushing’s has feminized my body in other ways- much larger breasts and overall estrogenization as a result of the weight gain-which makes it nearly intolerable for me on a day to day basis.
Obviously the process of transition is a long and complicated one for everyone, but it is very difficult being so clear in what I want and having it remain so far out of reach.
Those of you who have been forced to postpone transition, either for financial or health reasons, how do you stand the time in between? How do you deal with being in a body that feels so wrong? I guess I'm looking for a distraction of sorts, or maybe a different frame of mind. I try to envision a time when it will be different, and just cling to that, but I’m not always successful. Some days it just seems too much.
*note: this describes only my experience with Cushing's, and is not a comprehensive picture.
So, this is hard for me to discuss, but I feel the need to, because I hope someone else out there might be in a similar position.
To start, some background info:
I am twenty-three years old, trans-identified, and looking to eventually go on testosterone. I have felt male as far back as I can remember, and discovered the existence of transsexualism around the age of 12, but, as I’m sure many of you can relate, I repressed the feelings for many years until it got to the point where I no longer could.
For years I tried to live “normally” in a female body, overcompensating by wearing hyper-feminine clothing and makeup, telling myself my gender-conflict would disappear, but suffered the consequences of that denial. I fell into a deep depression and nearly didn’t make it. Several near-lethal suicide attempts, an eating disorder and countless hospitalizations later, I finally decided to do something about it.
A few years ago, I decided that taking testosterone to masculinize my body to more closely align with my mental state would be the only way I could live, and I have been anticipating that event ever since. My problem is that I am currently dealing with major health issues that require treatment before I can even begin to consider taking testosterone.
The condition my endocrinologist believes I have, Cushing’s syndrome, involves an overproduction of the hormone cortisol, which causes uncontrollable weight gain, fatigue, and decreased cognitive ability, among other things.*
Provided it is treated successfully, Cushing’s syndrome in itself is not a contraindication for taking testosterone. There should be no reason why I cannot do so in a few years. But I’m not sure I can wait that long. The time frame is unclear, because the testing process to diagnose Cushing’s definitively and proceed with treatment is extensive, involving many indefinites, but it would likely be two years, minimum.
I am having a very hard time dealing with being in a female body and knowing it will be years before that will change. Despite the fact that hypercortisolism results in a "male" fat distribution centering around the midsection, Cushing’s has feminized my body in other ways- much larger breasts and overall estrogenization as a result of the weight gain-which makes it nearly intolerable for me on a day to day basis.
Obviously the process of transition is a long and complicated one for everyone, but it is very difficult being so clear in what I want and having it remain so far out of reach.
Those of you who have been forced to postpone transition, either for financial or health reasons, how do you stand the time in between? How do you deal with being in a body that feels so wrong? I guess I'm looking for a distraction of sorts, or maybe a different frame of mind. I try to envision a time when it will be different, and just cling to that, but I’m not always successful. Some days it just seems too much.
*note: this describes only my experience with Cushing's, and is not a comprehensive picture.