(no subject)
Soooo. Hey I haven't posted in here in a long time because I tend to avoid the trans community just because, I don't know, I have a lot of issues. Anyways. I need some sort of advice, shoulder to cry on, etc.
My good friend Dillon has his first shot of testosterone. I am happy for him, 'cause like. Fuck that is exciting! adkfhaksdfs yay!
And then, I am pissed off with myself. I have been out for four and a half years. Why the fuck have I not done it? Especially when I've GOT everything I need? All I have to do is say the word and I can do it. Why haven't I? I wish I knew. I want it. I want testosterone and the changes and like. Ugh. If it wouldn't change my genitals, I would be on it so quick. I just... don't like my genitals already so... I really don't want them bigger, changing, etc. You know?
So many FtMs see it as a good thing. I see it as an atrocious thing.
And I'm so upset with myself right now because FOUR AND A HALF YEARS. I could have been on Testosterone for, like, at least three by now! I'm just really pissed off at myself for not being brave enough and not taking the plunge and just holding myself back for one reason.
I have ignored my gender issues for the last few months and pushed it aside and now that a good friend of mine has had his first shot of T, it's come back and I want to not be upset but I'm just mad at myself.
just mad.
please tell me there are fellow FtM's out there who are mortified and disgusted with the idea of genital growth? what did you do? Go on T, or not? Why? how? I just need some sort of reassurance.
-Eastyn