Panic Attack
I'm breathing heavy and keep grasping myself...I'll grab my forearm in a grip and fold in on myself. What's happening to me? I started sweating all over and now here I sit, frustrated, wiping sweat off my face as I type and try to stave this off
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seriously, though, there are things that you can't change, but there are things that you can change and as long as you are in this desperate frame of mind you can't see them and/or can't see what they might actually be worth. that's why I think someone to talk to face-to-face, who has experience with severe bodily dysphoria and an objective view might be able to help you out of your despair and into a more proactive stance towards your physical being. I understand the dysphoria: I've been there and I understand your pain and anger but many have found ways to live with what they can't change while changing what they can and want to change--even 6'3" bald hairy guys. I know a number who have found happier ways to be.
I mean I like you and I think you have a lot to offer and I'd hate to see it get beaten up daily because you can't find an answer for this--even a partial answer might be better than nothing, no? do you want to stay where you are? I know when I was there I wanted people to recognize it and to recognize how hopeless it seemed, but I sure did not want to stay there. I found out that I didn't have to, but it did take some work and a lot of help to get moving.
meeting people into "alternative" sexualities might be helpful too--not that dysphoria and sexuality are the same, but they can be connected and you can, to a degree, approach one through the other. there are people out there who love to shave hairy people and see them emerge smooth-skinned and vulnerable. maybe someone like that could actually harbor a kind of attraction that you could live with. that's what hurlingdervish means by "into shaving": there are people who want to remove your hair and keep it removed. so simple, but possibly soothing.
I think though that more than anything you need at least one person who has experience with this sort of thing who can talk to you regularly and help you to see more possibilities than you currently see. the fragments I see of you on lj leave me often not knowing quite what to say because I'm not always sure of exactly what is going on--someone in physical space could be a much more reliable help than any of us can be.
I think getting into therapy once you are employed is a good idea. do some research and find someone knowledgeable about and able to handle the degree of your dysphoria and discomfort. you might have to talk to more than one person before finding a good fit, and you might have to put up with lower insurance payments for an "out of network" provider--network providers are just professionals who have agreed to take the insurance industry's paltry payments for their services and usually the really talented ones won't do that. it sucks, but that's medical care in the US.
as for other approaches there are things like gaining or losing weight to change your overall shape, avoiding muscle-building activities to remain softer, wearing good wigs, makeup--you can do it lightly so that it is barely noticeable but still effective--even getting tattoos that emphasize and de-emphasize different parts of your body. if you ever have enough $, there's plastic surgery. the technologies are diverse, multiple and of varying costs. I think, though, that you could use some in-person assistance in figuring out what you can and can't do, what you are and are not willing to do.
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