Panic Attack

[banshee1067]

I'm breathing heavy and keep grasping myself...I'll grab my forearm in a grip and fold in on myself. What's happening to me? I started sweating all over and now here I sit, frustrated, wiping sweat off my face as I type and try to stave this off

Comments

[eriktrips]

I can really only say two things. one is that I've been there, helplessly raging at the very flesh of my being and I know how hard it is and I hope you make it out without damage.

the other is that you are in chicago now and there has to be someplace you can go with all this: a support group, a therapist, somebody who has experience with bodily dysphoria and can help you strategize how best to live with the body you have or change it into something you'd rather have. that's not an either/or choice, either: there are a number of approaches a person can take towards body modification.

I just don't think the internet is the place that is going to find peace for you. I mean, unless you use it to look up face-to-face resources that can take you on individually and wholly. here you are text and a few pictures and I can see you are in a tremendous amount of pain, but I can't imagine what else I or anyone on lj can do for you other than nod our heads in recognition, make what suggestions we can, and hope for the best. I think you'd have a better chance at happiness if you arranged some hands-on (so to speak) encounters with people who have professionally dealt with this sort of thing. chicago's a big place. there's bound to be someone.

[ftmichael]

Seconded. See http://www.t-vox.org/index.php?title=Category:Resources for assorted support groups, therapists with a clue about Trans stuff, etc. in your area.

[banshee1067]

The problem is, i CAN'T change it. I can't erase being 6'3". I can't reshape my bones. I can't change my face. I'm not sure what approaches you mean, otherwise.

A support group is not going to help me. Sitting around with a bunch of other losers whining about how unfair their own lives are is only going to make me feel worse by association. Besides, getting a hug from a stranger and being told that my feelings are "okay" is only going to make me feel like a fool.

Once I get a job, I'll probably go to a therapist, but I'm not optimistic. I've seen many in the past, and was always the same..most of the time it was just decent conversation. In all fairness, there is little they can do. I mean, what do you tell a guy who says "I'm 6'3", broad shouldered, and bald....but I don't want to date girls who want a big manly guy?" It just plain doesn't make sense.

"Rock Against Drugs. That's like Christians Against Christ. Rock CREATED drugs."

- Sam Kinison

[skweeker]

No, but maybe you can work on accepting yourself. If you can't accept yourself, how is someone else supposed to accept you?

There are tons of people that don't like their bodies for lots of reasons, as this community knows full well. Do what you can, accept what you can't, and move on. That's all one can do.

[banshee1067]

I'm trying to learn to accept that I'm unattractive and that will never, ever change, but when I think that, I want to beat myself bloody for it. It hurts to realize that you simply don't have the options that many others have, and it makes me furious at myself. True, I didn't choose my shitty genetics, but someone has to be blamed here, and there's nobody else but me.

I don't want anyone to accept me. I quit dating a year ago and I wouldn't be happy to meet a girl who told me I looked great just as is. Why would I want that? i want a girl with taste, not someone who has to stoop to dating some big bald ugly loser like myself. Shit, if I were a girl, I wouldn't give myself the time of day either.

Right now, I'm despairing over doing anything. All I can think of is to just get drunk (and I'm not even wild about alcohol) to bring myself to an even lowlier, angrier, and more depressed state.

[shelleybear]

"shitty genetics"?
Are you healthy?
What's the lifespan of your mom, dad?
Their parents?
I refuse to have issues with how I look, tending to focus on how I feel.
You need to do the same.
You'd be surprised at what happens once it does.

[banshee1067]

No, my family has no history of early death...my great aunt, whom I saw yesterday, is 84 and although she had a knee replacement, she's up and around. Many of the women live into their late 80s.

Maybe you don't care how you look, but I do. How we look is a lot more important than people like to give credit for. It angers me to know that I'm never ever going to look good. It hurts me, especially since the few random buttplugs who find me attractive always mention my size first and then extrapolate about how I can "protect them" and how I make them "feel smaller". The LAST thing I want is to make someone else feel smaller...to me, that's akin to saying "I like being around you because you're ugly, and I look better by comparison."

[hurlingdervish]

i would try to do some serious personal work on interacting sexually and/or romantically with a different type of person. there are lots of people out there who do not see a big person and wish to be dominated by them. for instance- if you're hairy and you hate it- look for someone who's into shaving. i think you have more control of your life than you seem to believe. turn things around- what do you want? to look different? that can be done. to alter something that at this point can't be changed- like height? why? what would that get you? what else would get you that? is it a dynamic? acnowledegment? intimacy? i don't know- this is purely speculative. but get to the root of what needs you have and figure out another way to get them met- then work towards that.

[banshee1067]

Into shaving? I'm not sure what you mean.

The problem is that I can't alter how I look, not dramatically, anyway. Basically, I don't want to be big, bald, or broad shouldered...I know i'm fucked on my height.

I want to change it because I find it unattractive and I don't like people noticing my size.

[hurlingdervish]

"into shaving"- i mean that is a fetish for some people- that could be useful if you enjoy the feeling/look of smooth skin. broaden your outlook- it will help you.

how would changing your size change the relationships you have or want to have in a good way for you? that is a deeper and potentially more important question and imo the kind of question you need to start asking yourself.

[banshee1067]

It would allow me to be attractive and to hopefully attract someone I might like. Being tall and broad shouldered and bald is simply unattractive (I don't care that bald is in - I don't know a single bald man I'd want to emulate). Whether it's "fair" or not, looks DO matter, and I don't want to attract girls who want some big man to protect them.

[hurlingdervish]

you are not at all listening to me. goodbye.

[shelleybear]

Maybe you don't care how you look, but I do.

Well then, I guess you're screwed.
Live with it how you choose.

[banshee1067]

Yep, I'm fucked. Thanks for reiterating it for me.

[shelleybear]

You wanted to hear it.
The same way you wanted to all the other times you've done this.
I KNEW I read similar posts from you in the past.
You need a therapist.
Not warm fuzzies from other trannies.

[banshee1067]

Maybe I don't need "warm fuzzies", but I also don't need your fucking sarcasm, either.