feel feel feel feel
I found out yesterday that I'm going to be a mother. I have a tiny human forming inside me. It's a strange feeling as I never thought this would happen. I don't know why I thought that. We weren't being very careful and I've never been told that it's impossible. I'm not sure how I feel about it yet. I've been switching between feeling horrified and feeling okay with it, but not joyous. Throughout my twenties I felt that I didn't want children. I was sure of it. Then I hit thirty and I was suddenly questioning whether or not I truly did not want them. I felt that if I was going to make the decision to have children then it must be soon or else I would never have them. Maybe I allowed this to happen because I subconsciously wanted it. I don't feel like I want to be doing this. I wish that I could go back to not being pregnant. I think I will be ok though. I'm not going to be a bad mom. I know that I will love my baby. It's the thought of carrying it inside me for 9 months and then the pain of it tearing its way out of me that really freaks me out. Regardless of all that, this is probably a good thing that I've yet to recognize. I'll get into it eventually, I'm sure.