Imploring Help -- X-posted to Gender Queer
It's tough feeling like I'm the only Bigender person out there considering I don't feel as if I have any gender fluidity what-so-ever. It's like black and white, so distinguished that several people that have gotten close to me can tell just by looking at my eyes, and well… I'm mostly only seeing Daryl rather than Mia lately. The body I want and have wanted since childhood, I realize, is predominantly male -- I assumed, before understanding anything that escaped the gender binary, that it was installed from my horseback riding background.
But I had always envied the males in the sport with their lovers. And many times, I was always teased for being a “gay guy trapped in a woman’s body.”
Today, I had blood drawn to test my thyroid considering my inability to lose weight. As well, I asked for hormone level testing. A lot of the things that occur to me such as hair loss, receding hairline, excessive body hair growth, and stalled weight are symptoms of elevated T in accordance to my Doctor. I have had four lazik hair removal procedures, and all of them are nearly fully re-grown with hair. My doctor even commented on the fact that I’m growing hair on my chin, a goatee so to speak. This was after I had even plucked some definitive hair.
There are fears, for certain, with this. How can one even decide or determine who they are? How can one deal with their parents knowing that they will not take it well at all?
Normally this wouldn’t be such a problem, but lately I’ve been getting so distressed over my body… and realizing that I’ve been distressed for quite some time. I was uncomfortable with the size of my breasts - unlike many FTMs, I’m relatively flat: 34 A to be specific. I’ve been taunted for how low my breasts are on my body in public. I feel utterly uncomfortable with “boob” jokes. In youth, I’m sure many of you have been groped at one time or another - even with a partner unless it’s the most intimate of situations I flinch, back up, pull away, flush and lift my hands to push them back. Granted, I do enjoy the sensations of sex in accordance to breasts… and from what I’ve heard the nerves aren’t up to par necessarily after surgery. That there’s not so much sensation. But I don’t have nearly as much sensation as I did there. I used a fairly safe binder and very, very rarely - often going a few months in between without.
Another problem is with masturbation, including the fact that I pretty much can’t. I get just… grossed out. I feel guilty. I get depressed. I realize that I’m not so much a “penetration” type person, though that can be nice and very intimate at times, because it hurts so much. And by so much, I really mean that because I have had some very tender, caring partners (granted, I’m twenty-one, and no, I do not have much experience: I have had sex with six people, the first two were non-consensual to clarify.) My ex-girlfriend made a stint before about how she wouldn’t touch me if I didn’t accept that I was female, and didn’t touch myself there. I realize only now that it was pressure against my will as she put my hand there and made me go inside - an old boyfriend did that to me once before too.
I hated it.
It’s odd that my libido can be so high though, I’m a Scorpio if you follow zodiac and true to it there’s the sexual aspect, but for quite some time I was asexual. I had attributed it to the drastic weight gain I had considering it’s risen substantially since I dropped forty pounds… but still.
I’m at an all-around loss.
Only more recently have I achieved possibly the first prelude to an orgasm. There’s a paranoia I have, an unsure ideology as to what’s happening that cannot be consoled. No one can explain the female orgasm, but the male one seems a lot more simple. It’s stuff like that which make me wonder more. And, sticking to stereotypes of men enjoying receiving head - well, yes. That fits.
So, why now? Why am I hoping, praying that something in my T is way up, or that there’s a way I can prove to my parents what I am?
I realize only now that I haven’t ever identified as female.
But then, how do you go about telling your closed-minded parents you’re Trans, Femme, and a screaming queen? How do you deal with the stress? How can you deal with it if they take a look at your boyfriend who transitioned and think you’re only a copycat?
What if I am a copycat and just don’t know it?
I’ve been talking with a therapist and psychiatrist about it - and my therapist had asked me before I told her was I FTM. Doesn’t that say something? Or am I reading too deep?
These are the fears that have been plaguing me for quite some time. Possibly because I've had the idea, more recently (and no, I'm not sure why) of having children. But that would be hard… right? I mean, on the kid. Sorta a "Oh, you had a mommy and now two daddies." Even living in the most liberal of areas, I'm not going to be blind as to the fact that it could be quite difficult for the children with a “Well, M-Preg is possible…” (Please excuse the fan-fiction reference).
Does anyone have chest surgery without taking T? That’s another concern since I’m not sure if I would want my genitals to change… a newer discovery to me. I’m just…
I feel stuck.
If there’s any advice, any kind words, something… please. I just don’t want to keep feeling like this, crying each day and night.