More on identity... being furry...
I'm not sure how to talk about being furry... for myself I'm pretty happy about it! Something else about me makes more sense to me, and I'm pretty delighted by the culmination of my thinking and feeling my way through this. Many thanks in particular to Moonvoice and Hipikat for handholding and talking through All The Things.
But... telling you all... that's harder. It's funny because, amongst some of my newer friends, that I have found my way through this will be received with delight and where people are happy for me. I have no worry that they'll disparage furries and furry fandom. For the most part they're furry themselves, so they get it and have been wonderfully kind while I've stumbled my way through memory and fear and uncertainty. They knew I'd get to this point eventually too and that was reassuring (even if I was impatient).
I'm not sure why I feel I need to convince you that this has been playing on my mind for the better part of a year, and comes from a place in my history when I was first connected to the internet and IRC. I'm not sure why I am worried that I need to justify or explain why it's been so deeply hidden in my sense of self and something that I've shared only in the recent couple of months with some tiny handful of people I trust.
I'm not sure why I think that some of you may stop respecting me or caring for me in admitting that this too is another up till now, hidden part of my identity experience. I'm not sure why this is harder to deal with than admitting to gender fluidity and how my experience of me in the world is genderqueer...
The more I learn about myself, the greater my sense of being liminal, belonging to multiple spaces... and no spaces. I feel a strong need to create my own spaces. Once upon a time, I didn't know I was queer and wasn't straight, I didn't know I was a fan, I didn't know I was poly, I didn't know that I was genderqueer, I didn't know that I was a feminist, I didn't know that I was interested in kink, I didn't know that love would reveal itself to be the most inspiring and motivating passion in my life. And now I know these things about myself.
Only a tiny number of people remain active in my life who met me at time in my life where I knew none of these things. Some of you have seen me move through various spaces of identity, and some of that is historical and no longer currently valid. Those historical spaces were important for learning, valuable, they're not completely invalid... but they have been superceded. I do not stand still and I am always seeking, exploring and growing.
And this is the most recent sense of myself that I am sharing... it isn't a new and sudden thing, not to me. But, it hasn’t been comfortable either. I’ve mostly been trying to reconcile that disconcerting feeling when something that was so private as an experience you shared with people you never knew in person circles back around and knocks on your proverbial closet door… that’s this experience.
If not for my experience of furrydom approaching from a totally new angle and knocking on my private inner thoughts I’d perhaps never have spoken it aloud and never explored the thoughts I have around identifying with furry fandom. But… that has happened and for the past few months I’ve been trying to reconcile my thoughts and sense of self.
It’s not like I have any kind of obligation to say anything, I could have continued to ignore it and pretend or insist that it wasn’t me and wasn’t a space that resonated with me. Well… I could have except for the fact that I am a terrible liar and additionally, that I’m long since done with hiding myself or pretending to be other than who I am.
So here I am. All the things you knew about me before, and a new one… being a furry. And that’s about all the detail I’m willing to provide here in this open space. Even though it is my space I’m still feeling vulnerable and worried. I’m still hopeful that all the love I experience from all of you around me is still available to me. I’m still hopeful for understanding and being able to continue enjoying being parts of various communities.
And it’s not just that I’m worried about *your* reaction (though I am), it’s also that looking at this particular part of my identity predates my memories resurfacing, my PTSD and references one of the parts of my life where my memory is suspect and what I do remember was… deeply unpleasant. I don’t remember being happy about much at all prior to meeting Kaneda in 1996. So there’s also sadness for my past-self and likely there’s still additional stuff to process there. The painfulness of this part of my history made it all the harder to look at the what, why, and how of my own sense of furryness. Since I’m writing about it now it seems like that part at least I’ve resolved (or will by being determined and open and brave by saying so…)
Please be kind if you comment, and please understand that if you ask me something I may not feel comfortable answering you publically or perhaps at all. That said… I would value your support and reassurance.
This entry was originally posted at http://transcendancing.dreamwidth.org/864528.html
But... telling you all... that's harder. It's funny because, amongst some of my newer friends, that I have found my way through this will be received with delight and where people are happy for me. I have no worry that they'll disparage furries and furry fandom. For the most part they're furry themselves, so they get it and have been wonderfully kind while I've stumbled my way through memory and fear and uncertainty. They knew I'd get to this point eventually too and that was reassuring (even if I was impatient).
I'm not sure why I feel I need to convince you that this has been playing on my mind for the better part of a year, and comes from a place in my history when I was first connected to the internet and IRC. I'm not sure why I am worried that I need to justify or explain why it's been so deeply hidden in my sense of self and something that I've shared only in the recent couple of months with some tiny handful of people I trust.
I'm not sure why I think that some of you may stop respecting me or caring for me in admitting that this too is another up till now, hidden part of my identity experience. I'm not sure why this is harder to deal with than admitting to gender fluidity and how my experience of me in the world is genderqueer...
The more I learn about myself, the greater my sense of being liminal, belonging to multiple spaces... and no spaces. I feel a strong need to create my own spaces. Once upon a time, I didn't know I was queer and wasn't straight, I didn't know I was a fan, I didn't know I was poly, I didn't know that I was genderqueer, I didn't know that I was a feminist, I didn't know that I was interested in kink, I didn't know that love would reveal itself to be the most inspiring and motivating passion in my life. And now I know these things about myself.
Only a tiny number of people remain active in my life who met me at time in my life where I knew none of these things. Some of you have seen me move through various spaces of identity, and some of that is historical and no longer currently valid. Those historical spaces were important for learning, valuable, they're not completely invalid... but they have been superceded. I do not stand still and I am always seeking, exploring and growing.
And this is the most recent sense of myself that I am sharing... it isn't a new and sudden thing, not to me. But, it hasn’t been comfortable either. I’ve mostly been trying to reconcile that disconcerting feeling when something that was so private as an experience you shared with people you never knew in person circles back around and knocks on your proverbial closet door… that’s this experience.
If not for my experience of furrydom approaching from a totally new angle and knocking on my private inner thoughts I’d perhaps never have spoken it aloud and never explored the thoughts I have around identifying with furry fandom. But… that has happened and for the past few months I’ve been trying to reconcile my thoughts and sense of self.
It’s not like I have any kind of obligation to say anything, I could have continued to ignore it and pretend or insist that it wasn’t me and wasn’t a space that resonated with me. Well… I could have except for the fact that I am a terrible liar and additionally, that I’m long since done with hiding myself or pretending to be other than who I am.
So here I am. All the things you knew about me before, and a new one… being a furry. And that’s about all the detail I’m willing to provide here in this open space. Even though it is my space I’m still feeling vulnerable and worried. I’m still hopeful that all the love I experience from all of you around me is still available to me. I’m still hopeful for understanding and being able to continue enjoying being parts of various communities.
And it’s not just that I’m worried about *your* reaction (though I am), it’s also that looking at this particular part of my identity predates my memories resurfacing, my PTSD and references one of the parts of my life where my memory is suspect and what I do remember was… deeply unpleasant. I don’t remember being happy about much at all prior to meeting Kaneda in 1996. So there’s also sadness for my past-self and likely there’s still additional stuff to process there. The painfulness of this part of my history made it all the harder to look at the what, why, and how of my own sense of furryness. Since I’m writing about it now it seems like that part at least I’ve resolved (or will by being determined and open and brave by saying so…)
Please be kind if you comment, and please understand that if you ask me something I may not feel comfortable answering you publically or perhaps at all. That said… I would value your support and reassurance.
This entry was originally posted at http://transcendancing.dreamwidth.org/864528.html