Friday Chicken - Another Monday Chicken...
This week finished yesterday, but I was too exhausted to write this up, so it's a Monday Chicken! Last week was all kinds of lovely actually, the hard was minimally impactful, and mostly of the variety that also has good associated with it.
Thanks to Havi for the inspiration. The point is weekly reflection on what was good and what was hard. Assess and reflect, then let go and move on to thinking about the week ahead!
The Hard
Sleep...
I had a particularly awful lack of night's sleep, and I must still be recovering from this year's awful flu, because I had no ability to cope and function going to work. I didn't actually get to go back to sleep either because the post truck woke me up and I was *done* for waking and trying to go back to sleep by that point. The night consisted of:
3-4 x kitty bedroom in/out games
2 x puppy bathroom breaks
several x K being ill and snuffly/snoring and waking me up.
1 x well time post truck
Missing...
I am missing Ral and Fox, but am so glad they're having so much fun on their trip! Little things remind me of them and make me smile, and then there's a pang becuase I miss them. I'm loving seeing all the photos and getting random offline chat messages from Ral about what he's doing at various points. It's lovely and helps with the missing.
Also missing K and Cam who are working pretty much non-stop at the moment. they're getting ready for Armageddon in October because Rebel is performing over there - so exciting for them! But so much work and so I've averaged seeing them 10 mins a day in the last month or so, particularly as I am also busy myself.
Tired...
Need to remember to get some iron supplements, I'm feeling a bit fatigued all the time at the moment, and I am getting enough sleep (generally) that this shouldn't be an issue. Also I have been craving red meat - steak a lot so think that a few weeks to bring my iron levels up is a good idea.
Care...
Feeling like it would wonderful to have someone who was in a position where I could ask to be taken care of... K is good when I'm upset but not good at comfort/care/fussing over. Ral and Fox are a) in Europe and b) it's more usual for Ral to be doing these kind of things for Fox (and Fox for Ral), and Hipikat isn't readily available for such things usually. I have chosen family who also do caring, PRK, Calli, Samvara, Chaosmanor, Dilettantiquity and Pokmcfee all do caring - often virtual but also in person when it works out that way. But... not in a way where I can be in my own space and feel fussed over/patted/cared for.
The year has been wonderful - and intense, so much growing and the kind of things that I've been involved in draw a lot of caring from me, particularly building a positive/healthy dynamic with Ral and Fox, so while I am pouring caring energy out it is not easy for me to receive it back... I am more intent on making sure the others around me get what they need and are not imposed on, generally I seek to make sure my needs are unlikely to *not* be covered as part of doing this, but it's not a perfect system and it doesn't always work out right in the balance. It often does, since often the things I need happen as part of the natural course of things. Things like wanting to be taken care of don't...
Misunderstood...
Sometimes you become aware of a way in which someone perceives you and it's so far from the truth you're a) unsure how they got there, but b) are sad because it is so inconsistent with who you are. This has happened in a couple of instances recently. And I did describe it, but it's big enough for it's own post, so I'll post it later. It's about care, perceptions around need and being extroverted, proving oneself, and getting what you want.
Blood donation calls at work...
I hate the regular messages coming around because I hate being reminded that I'm not allowed to give blood. I am glad that they pay so much attention to it, and I hope it means that they're getting good supplies etc. But I'm so deeply resentful of the fact that I can't give blood and probably won't be able to for a few years at least, possibly never. I certainly don't expect to stop sleeping with queer men, at which point... *grrrrrrrrrr* just brings up all my flaily irritation and sadness at the discrimination.
The hard this week is in part physical, part emotional and part intellectual, and it's possible that the physical lowness means that there is more space for the emotional and intellectual dross to hang around.
The Good...
So much good this week! In part things coming together from previous effort, in part being so much more physically well (even if not 100%).
Living Proud...
The forum on gender diversity was awesome and in the company of others I felt welcomed into my own space where my experience (or more accurately desire for) fluidity was welcomed. I don't feel like I'm questioning... that's kind of happened in tiny spaces since I was 19 or so, but the crysalising realisation is unexpected in its arrival - but was timely in that it happened just before this forum and it's given me a point to process around and that's been welcome.
I'm not uncomfortable with it at all, I am noticing ways in which previous ways of describing myself no longer apply and have mostly updated those, am sure I've missed some. I'm conscious of privilege in new ways in both directions. Mostly it just feels like my experience of myself resettling into a slightly clearer configuration. Self discovery... it really never ends. Please let it never end... let me never know myself so completely that there is nothing left to discover...
Hipikat...
(sentimentality warning...)
There's just so much joy here. The past week has been abundant with his company and presence in my life. I stayed over Monday and once again the awesome snuggles of swooning wonder happened. We have an amazing talent for snuggling with one another and it is pure bliss (someday some artist is going to do an art book of our snuggling positions and the world will marvel... or something). I love that last moment before falling asleep together, where my arms are around him and we're murmuring goodnights and I feel like I get to be the protective warmth around him and show him how much I love him.
Our conversations have been so interesting of late, about ourselves, our differences and similarities, the way we see and experience the world, things we'd like to share with one another. Monday night and Saturday night were both true in this sense and I'm just... so delighted by it. We both tend toward overthinking, and being highly analytical - but we operate on different scales of analysis which makes for awesome comparison and looking deeper still at things we've already overthought, there's a lot of enjoyment and insight gained in this way. Overall it's just... FUN!
Saturday night and sharing new experiences together. I won't share much about this now (later and locked), but it was wonderful, exactly what I'd hoped for. Lots of opportunity to feel loved and the focus of attention (very odd for me) and just getting to enjoy trusting him so much. Then later, again with the snuggling and falling asleep with my arms around him. We woke to yet more snuggling, coffee in the sunshine, and the opportunity to spend a significant portion of the day together. Our ordinary just keeps getting better, we come to know each other better and better, and it shows. There is just... so much joy...
Socialising...
I also had quite a social week last week, I had dinner with Jo and Nova on impulse which was lovely. Then I went to the movies with Ascetic_Hedony on Thursday and we saw Magic Mike (I wasn't really impressed, but there were definitely bits I appreciated). Friday night socialising was really lovely as usual. Saturday I got to spend the morning with Samvara - we've not spent quality time together in too long (both of us have been busy and ill), but we went out robot shopping and did errands and just... enjoyed being together. Functional but just... so much love, so much joy.
Sunday there was lunch with Penguins and it was wonderful to see them again! Also went to the Fet Munch for a while and really enjoyed myself. Meeting some lovely people there lately and it's much easier than it has been and less overwhelming/cliquey/uninviting than it has been in the past. Went briefly to friend's baby shower and glad I made it even if it was for such a short time. Lots of social, catching up with people I haven't in a while too which was an added bonus.
Smitten...
Met the wonderful Jiva last week who is special to Hipikat and was smitten then, and again yesterday when I saw her again. She's just... stunning. And, we both had the same reaction to one another - very visibly distracted and wowed by one another, drawn to one another and being surprised and delighted by the similarity of reaction from one another. Both of us are unused to an instantaneous connection being so easily welcomed and appreciated by the other person... and having each other react so openly and being so obviously smitten is just... it's just awesome.
It reminds me of meeting MS when we went to the AFP concert in Melbourne together. We have plans to collaborate tormenting of Hipikat and I'm looking forward to the opportunity to spend time and enjoy her loveliness. I know her very little, and yet that sense of 'clicking' is so strong and the knowingness we get of that is spot on thus far. Amazingness is afoot.
Happy Poly Moments...
Lovely also is Hipikat's reaction to mine and Jiva's reaction to one another, which is essentially 'melty'. Add to the enjoyment I have at crushing on a very pretty girl and having her return the feelings, with the enjoyment of getting to see her with Hipikat and their lovley connection, and her appreciating his and my connection there is a truly spectacular reverberation of happy poly moments that make me feel like I'm flying...
Sharing the experiences I'm having with Hipikat with Ral and missing him and hearing him miss me, and feel happy for me too. I love being able to share so openly between the two of them in ways that I haven't ever had access to before - it's *amazing* and allows for a reinforcement of all the safety, reassurance and support for all the new things I'm trying, all the bravery I'm using and hopefulness I have at my exploring and adventurous forays being welcomed and delighted in - they have been overwhelmingly this year and I am the healthiest I've ever been sexually - and emotionally in a lot of ways.
Appreciating K's care and happiness for me, he struggles sometimes with my desire to explore kink, but he's amazing too. He's been so busy recently but he's also been thoughtful and happy for me too and that reinforces all the goodness. And looking at him I just... smile and fall in love again. All the fruition of who I am as a person started with him believing in me and teaching me the value of believing in myself. The most precious of gifts, alongside his love and trust.
Dilettantiquity...
Getting to give her a shoulder massage that relieved some of the tension and ow from her body and just enjoying that I could return the care she's recently given me in some small way. Also, touch, and I was particularly touchy/snuggly on Sunday so her enjoying me in that space and benefitting from it was a particular delight. Also, relieving of ow, and feeling the tension release, very rewarding. Bizarre tiny thing to note, but there you go...
That's the chicken for this week - mostly squishy thoughts/feelings based rather than events based. Definitely more good than hard. But definitely feeling like I need a weekend to recover from my weekend :P Here's to the week ahead...
This entry was originally posted at http://transcendancing.dreamwidth.org/863957.html
Thanks to Havi for the inspiration. The point is weekly reflection on what was good and what was hard. Assess and reflect, then let go and move on to thinking about the week ahead!
The Hard
Sleep...
I had a particularly awful lack of night's sleep, and I must still be recovering from this year's awful flu, because I had no ability to cope and function going to work. I didn't actually get to go back to sleep either because the post truck woke me up and I was *done* for waking and trying to go back to sleep by that point. The night consisted of:
3-4 x kitty bedroom in/out games
2 x puppy bathroom breaks
several x K being ill and snuffly/snoring and waking me up.
1 x well time post truck
Missing...
I am missing Ral and Fox, but am so glad they're having so much fun on their trip! Little things remind me of them and make me smile, and then there's a pang becuase I miss them. I'm loving seeing all the photos and getting random offline chat messages from Ral about what he's doing at various points. It's lovely and helps with the missing.
Also missing K and Cam who are working pretty much non-stop at the moment. they're getting ready for Armageddon in October because Rebel is performing over there - so exciting for them! But so much work and so I've averaged seeing them 10 mins a day in the last month or so, particularly as I am also busy myself.
Tired...
Need to remember to get some iron supplements, I'm feeling a bit fatigued all the time at the moment, and I am getting enough sleep (generally) that this shouldn't be an issue. Also I have been craving red meat - steak a lot so think that a few weeks to bring my iron levels up is a good idea.
Care...
Feeling like it would wonderful to have someone who was in a position where I could ask to be taken care of... K is good when I'm upset but not good at comfort/care/fussing over. Ral and Fox are a) in Europe and b) it's more usual for Ral to be doing these kind of things for Fox (and Fox for Ral), and Hipikat isn't readily available for such things usually. I have chosen family who also do caring, PRK, Calli, Samvara, Chaosmanor, Dilettantiquity and Pokmcfee all do caring - often virtual but also in person when it works out that way. But... not in a way where I can be in my own space and feel fussed over/patted/cared for.
The year has been wonderful - and intense, so much growing and the kind of things that I've been involved in draw a lot of caring from me, particularly building a positive/healthy dynamic with Ral and Fox, so while I am pouring caring energy out it is not easy for me to receive it back... I am more intent on making sure the others around me get what they need and are not imposed on, generally I seek to make sure my needs are unlikely to *not* be covered as part of doing this, but it's not a perfect system and it doesn't always work out right in the balance. It often does, since often the things I need happen as part of the natural course of things. Things like wanting to be taken care of don't...
Misunderstood...
Sometimes you become aware of a way in which someone perceives you and it's so far from the truth you're a) unsure how they got there, but b) are sad because it is so inconsistent with who you are. This has happened in a couple of instances recently. And I did describe it, but it's big enough for it's own post, so I'll post it later. It's about care, perceptions around need and being extroverted, proving oneself, and getting what you want.
Blood donation calls at work...
I hate the regular messages coming around because I hate being reminded that I'm not allowed to give blood. I am glad that they pay so much attention to it, and I hope it means that they're getting good supplies etc. But I'm so deeply resentful of the fact that I can't give blood and probably won't be able to for a few years at least, possibly never. I certainly don't expect to stop sleeping with queer men, at which point... *grrrrrrrrrr* just brings up all my flaily irritation and sadness at the discrimination.
The hard this week is in part physical, part emotional and part intellectual, and it's possible that the physical lowness means that there is more space for the emotional and intellectual dross to hang around.
The Good...
So much good this week! In part things coming together from previous effort, in part being so much more physically well (even if not 100%).
Living Proud...
The forum on gender diversity was awesome and in the company of others I felt welcomed into my own space where my experience (or more accurately desire for) fluidity was welcomed. I don't feel like I'm questioning... that's kind of happened in tiny spaces since I was 19 or so, but the crysalising realisation is unexpected in its arrival - but was timely in that it happened just before this forum and it's given me a point to process around and that's been welcome.
I'm not uncomfortable with it at all, I am noticing ways in which previous ways of describing myself no longer apply and have mostly updated those, am sure I've missed some. I'm conscious of privilege in new ways in both directions. Mostly it just feels like my experience of myself resettling into a slightly clearer configuration. Self discovery... it really never ends. Please let it never end... let me never know myself so completely that there is nothing left to discover...
Hipikat...
(sentimentality warning...)
There's just so much joy here. The past week has been abundant with his company and presence in my life. I stayed over Monday and once again the awesome snuggles of swooning wonder happened. We have an amazing talent for snuggling with one another and it is pure bliss (someday some artist is going to do an art book of our snuggling positions and the world will marvel... or something). I love that last moment before falling asleep together, where my arms are around him and we're murmuring goodnights and I feel like I get to be the protective warmth around him and show him how much I love him.
Our conversations have been so interesting of late, about ourselves, our differences and similarities, the way we see and experience the world, things we'd like to share with one another. Monday night and Saturday night were both true in this sense and I'm just... so delighted by it. We both tend toward overthinking, and being highly analytical - but we operate on different scales of analysis which makes for awesome comparison and looking deeper still at things we've already overthought, there's a lot of enjoyment and insight gained in this way. Overall it's just... FUN!
Saturday night and sharing new experiences together. I won't share much about this now (later and locked), but it was wonderful, exactly what I'd hoped for. Lots of opportunity to feel loved and the focus of attention (very odd for me) and just getting to enjoy trusting him so much. Then later, again with the snuggling and falling asleep with my arms around him. We woke to yet more snuggling, coffee in the sunshine, and the opportunity to spend a significant portion of the day together. Our ordinary just keeps getting better, we come to know each other better and better, and it shows. There is just... so much joy...
Socialising...
I also had quite a social week last week, I had dinner with Jo and Nova on impulse which was lovely. Then I went to the movies with Ascetic_Hedony on Thursday and we saw Magic Mike (I wasn't really impressed, but there were definitely bits I appreciated). Friday night socialising was really lovely as usual. Saturday I got to spend the morning with Samvara - we've not spent quality time together in too long (both of us have been busy and ill), but we went out robot shopping and did errands and just... enjoyed being together. Functional but just... so much love, so much joy.
Sunday there was lunch with Penguins and it was wonderful to see them again! Also went to the Fet Munch for a while and really enjoyed myself. Meeting some lovely people there lately and it's much easier than it has been and less overwhelming/cliquey/uninviting than it has been in the past. Went briefly to friend's baby shower and glad I made it even if it was for such a short time. Lots of social, catching up with people I haven't in a while too which was an added bonus.
Smitten...
Met the wonderful Jiva last week who is special to Hipikat and was smitten then, and again yesterday when I saw her again. She's just... stunning. And, we both had the same reaction to one another - very visibly distracted and wowed by one another, drawn to one another and being surprised and delighted by the similarity of reaction from one another. Both of us are unused to an instantaneous connection being so easily welcomed and appreciated by the other person... and having each other react so openly and being so obviously smitten is just... it's just awesome.
It reminds me of meeting MS when we went to the AFP concert in Melbourne together. We have plans to collaborate tormenting of Hipikat and I'm looking forward to the opportunity to spend time and enjoy her loveliness. I know her very little, and yet that sense of 'clicking' is so strong and the knowingness we get of that is spot on thus far. Amazingness is afoot.
Happy Poly Moments...
Lovely also is Hipikat's reaction to mine and Jiva's reaction to one another, which is essentially 'melty'. Add to the enjoyment I have at crushing on a very pretty girl and having her return the feelings, with the enjoyment of getting to see her with Hipikat and their lovley connection, and her appreciating his and my connection there is a truly spectacular reverberation of happy poly moments that make me feel like I'm flying...
Sharing the experiences I'm having with Hipikat with Ral and missing him and hearing him miss me, and feel happy for me too. I love being able to share so openly between the two of them in ways that I haven't ever had access to before - it's *amazing* and allows for a reinforcement of all the safety, reassurance and support for all the new things I'm trying, all the bravery I'm using and hopefulness I have at my exploring and adventurous forays being welcomed and delighted in - they have been overwhelmingly this year and I am the healthiest I've ever been sexually - and emotionally in a lot of ways.
Appreciating K's care and happiness for me, he struggles sometimes with my desire to explore kink, but he's amazing too. He's been so busy recently but he's also been thoughtful and happy for me too and that reinforces all the goodness. And looking at him I just... smile and fall in love again. All the fruition of who I am as a person started with him believing in me and teaching me the value of believing in myself. The most precious of gifts, alongside his love and trust.
Dilettantiquity...
Getting to give her a shoulder massage that relieved some of the tension and ow from her body and just enjoying that I could return the care she's recently given me in some small way. Also, touch, and I was particularly touchy/snuggly on Sunday so her enjoying me in that space and benefitting from it was a particular delight. Also, relieving of ow, and feeling the tension release, very rewarding. Bizarre tiny thing to note, but there you go...
That's the chicken for this week - mostly squishy thoughts/feelings based rather than events based. Definitely more good than hard. But definitely feeling like I need a weekend to recover from my weekend :P Here's to the week ahead...
This entry was originally posted at http://transcendancing.dreamwidth.org/863957.html