Friday Chicken - and then there was ease
This week was so much better than the past couple. The hard is still present, but manageable and balanced out by the good and the reassuring.
Thanks to Havi for the inspiration. The point is weekly reflection on what was good and what was hard. Assess and reflect, then let go and move on to thinking about the week ahead!
First up, The Hard
Still with the anxiety...
Although much less distress. And I've been better with the anxiety. It hasn't been nearly as acute, for which I am grateful. I'm still managing as best I can day to day focusing on my self care.
Low on sleep...
K' has been ill this week which has meant Cam and I taking in turns to be more sleepless. I resorted to a muscle relaxant last night which helped me to get to and stay asleep but the fog this morning hasn't been fun.
Touch hungry...
Partly anxiety and partly being wound up in other ways but I'm hungry for touch, particularly in the intimate/sexual sphere. I wish I felt easier with this than I do, it's a stumbling, doing-the-best-i-can work in progress. Timing is not on my side.
Phone...
Has not been returned and I don't expect it at this point. So, remains to me to pay out the contract as it's cheaper to do that and access a new contract and phone than buy outright. There is an obvious upside to this, but still am sad and would prefer not to be spending money on this right now.
Uncertainty...
I feel somewhat out of place and flailing about and like I am an ill fitting shape. It's all perception and relating to the cause of my anxiety, and the answer is still to look after myself as best I can and concentrate on self care. Also with expectation management on my part, which has the unfortunate side effect of being more closed off than open which makes me a little sad.
Pain and tension...
My neck and shoulders have been bad this past week. And my jaw. And my tooth. Which didn't get fixed this week because of a dental mixup. Urgh. Wanting a massage but had last week and need to space out the cost a bit more than that...
Much less that was hard this week.
Now, onto the The Good...
Reassurance moment #1: a lifetime of love...
There's a reassurance that comes from someone making space for you in their life, even as the shape of their ordinary and wants and needs changes. There's also reassurance that comes from the same person sharing with you that they feel that knowing and loving you will take a lifetime. Tiny and simple words, but with massive impact that I'm still kind of marvelling at days later. This in addition to moments of care and closeness and snuggling, the words were aligned completely to my experience of their actions.
Reassurance moment #2: all the validation...
Breakfast at 7am, not just an expression of my love but someone's love for me, making space because I needed the time and care from them. Validation and emphasis that not only am I 'not terrible' but that feelings are feelings mine and other people's and that my responsibility is to myself and addressing my own self care needs. Validation that I'm better at recognising and not dismissing, even acting on my needs. Also validation that for an experience I am finding deeply triggery, that I'm dealing amazingly and am not a wreck, falling apart or constantly melting down. This in particular means a lot to me, as this is a forest for trees thing... the pain and fear I'm experiencing is acute, but it's not all consuming and I'm still the sovereign of my universe.
Job happiness...
Doing well in my job and getting good feedback about it. This is a kind of ongoing experience and is satisfying. I'm going to hit a deadline that I really wanted to hit that wasn't an expectation. Tiny things. Rewarding things.
New phone...
The upside of paying out my contract and taking on a new phone is that I get to have a shiny new phone! I'm looking forward to getting my hands on the Samsung Galaxy S III in the next few days.
A date with
callistra...
We've not actually managed to do something special like go out to dinner together without a timelimit or children in tow almost ever. We spend a lot of quality time with one another but especially as we've both been struggling of late it was wonderful just to lavish some time and special occasion fairy dust on one another. We went to 'The Manse' in Armadale which is this delightful and quaint experience of fine dining stuck in a time loop that seemed very 80s in style to me. The food was delightful, service polished (a little slow) and very good value for money. Wonderful night out.
Queer Pride...
Pride in my queerness. I went to an opening for a project organised by the GLCS and it was moving and wonderful to be part of. Friends were there, and others I recognised and I had the sense of only feeling slightly out of place (ie: not queer enough) for a small part of it, and in voicing my fear it evaporated. I had my photo taken and wrote a statement for what 'Living Proud' meant to me. This project is all about youth suicide prevention and I'm all in favour of that aim, and the other benefits that come with encouraging and growing community.
Cooking...
I made an awesome Garlic, Lemon and Chicken Risotto the other night and finished it off with stewed apples and homemade custard for K'. He was delighted which was entirely the point. All others who tried the risotto were impressed. Lemon and risotto - totally a match made in heaven! Nice to do cooking as well, I'm enjoying it when it happens as it also reminds me of Ral and how much I enjoy his cooking and look forward to doing more cooking with him.
Blogging joy...
I've been prolific over atThe Conversationalist writing about my theme 'Personal Positives' for the upcoming Down Under Feminists Carnival. I've also written my contribution to the theme: Love as Activism, if you're interested. I've had some wonderful submissions to my theme and the carnival so far and I'm looking forward to the others that people have mentioned to me (also it's not too late to consider writing or submitting something)!
I can really see the difference between my personal journaling style and my audience speaking styles and can see that what I want to talk about and what I'm focusing on doesn't seem to be stuff that other bloggers I've come across are focusing on.
Hot water...
This is a huge positive for this week! Thanks to
redbraids assisting us, we had the plumber out and a new hot water system installed. Hot showers at home every night - such bliss! And, the ease with which we can now do dishes! I'm not even remotely mocking anything, the bit where we turn the hot tap on and hot water comes out is just *amazing*. We're all relieved and grateful beyond belief.
I think on that happy note, that I'm done for this week. Overall a much better week, better feelings of happiness and equilibrium. The reassuring bits were wonderfully reassuring and affirms what I was trying to achieve by asking for what I needed. Hoping that next week continues in the positive, I'm putting that out there in any case, and do the best I can.
This entry was originally posted at http://transcendancing.dreamwidth.org/859997.html
Thanks to Havi for the inspiration. The point is weekly reflection on what was good and what was hard. Assess and reflect, then let go and move on to thinking about the week ahead!
First up, The Hard
Still with the anxiety...
Although much less distress. And I've been better with the anxiety. It hasn't been nearly as acute, for which I am grateful. I'm still managing as best I can day to day focusing on my self care.
Low on sleep...
K' has been ill this week which has meant Cam and I taking in turns to be more sleepless. I resorted to a muscle relaxant last night which helped me to get to and stay asleep but the fog this morning hasn't been fun.
Touch hungry...
Partly anxiety and partly being wound up in other ways but I'm hungry for touch, particularly in the intimate/sexual sphere. I wish I felt easier with this than I do, it's a stumbling, doing-the-best-i-can work in progress. Timing is not on my side.
Phone...
Has not been returned and I don't expect it at this point. So, remains to me to pay out the contract as it's cheaper to do that and access a new contract and phone than buy outright. There is an obvious upside to this, but still am sad and would prefer not to be spending money on this right now.
Uncertainty...
I feel somewhat out of place and flailing about and like I am an ill fitting shape. It's all perception and relating to the cause of my anxiety, and the answer is still to look after myself as best I can and concentrate on self care. Also with expectation management on my part, which has the unfortunate side effect of being more closed off than open which makes me a little sad.
Pain and tension...
My neck and shoulders have been bad this past week. And my jaw. And my tooth. Which didn't get fixed this week because of a dental mixup. Urgh. Wanting a massage but had last week and need to space out the cost a bit more than that...
Much less that was hard this week.
Now, onto the The Good...
Reassurance moment #1: a lifetime of love...
There's a reassurance that comes from someone making space for you in their life, even as the shape of their ordinary and wants and needs changes. There's also reassurance that comes from the same person sharing with you that they feel that knowing and loving you will take a lifetime. Tiny and simple words, but with massive impact that I'm still kind of marvelling at days later. This in addition to moments of care and closeness and snuggling, the words were aligned completely to my experience of their actions.
Reassurance moment #2: all the validation...
Breakfast at 7am, not just an expression of my love but someone's love for me, making space because I needed the time and care from them. Validation and emphasis that not only am I 'not terrible' but that feelings are feelings mine and other people's and that my responsibility is to myself and addressing my own self care needs. Validation that I'm better at recognising and not dismissing, even acting on my needs. Also validation that for an experience I am finding deeply triggery, that I'm dealing amazingly and am not a wreck, falling apart or constantly melting down. This in particular means a lot to me, as this is a forest for trees thing... the pain and fear I'm experiencing is acute, but it's not all consuming and I'm still the sovereign of my universe.
Job happiness...
Doing well in my job and getting good feedback about it. This is a kind of ongoing experience and is satisfying. I'm going to hit a deadline that I really wanted to hit that wasn't an expectation. Tiny things. Rewarding things.
New phone...
The upside of paying out my contract and taking on a new phone is that I get to have a shiny new phone! I'm looking forward to getting my hands on the Samsung Galaxy S III in the next few days.
A date with
callistra...
We've not actually managed to do something special like go out to dinner together without a timelimit or children in tow almost ever. We spend a lot of quality time with one another but especially as we've both been struggling of late it was wonderful just to lavish some time and special occasion fairy dust on one another. We went to 'The Manse' in Armadale which is this delightful and quaint experience of fine dining stuck in a time loop that seemed very 80s in style to me. The food was delightful, service polished (a little slow) and very good value for money. Wonderful night out.
Queer Pride...
Pride in my queerness. I went to an opening for a project organised by the GLCS and it was moving and wonderful to be part of. Friends were there, and others I recognised and I had the sense of only feeling slightly out of place (ie: not queer enough) for a small part of it, and in voicing my fear it evaporated. I had my photo taken and wrote a statement for what 'Living Proud' meant to me. This project is all about youth suicide prevention and I'm all in favour of that aim, and the other benefits that come with encouraging and growing community.
Cooking...
I made an awesome Garlic, Lemon and Chicken Risotto the other night and finished it off with stewed apples and homemade custard for K'. He was delighted which was entirely the point. All others who tried the risotto were impressed. Lemon and risotto - totally a match made in heaven! Nice to do cooking as well, I'm enjoying it when it happens as it also reminds me of Ral and how much I enjoy his cooking and look forward to doing more cooking with him.
Blogging joy...
I've been prolific over atThe Conversationalist writing about my theme 'Personal Positives' for the upcoming Down Under Feminists Carnival. I've also written my contribution to the theme: Love as Activism, if you're interested. I've had some wonderful submissions to my theme and the carnival so far and I'm looking forward to the others that people have mentioned to me (also it's not too late to consider writing or submitting something)!
I can really see the difference between my personal journaling style and my audience speaking styles and can see that what I want to talk about and what I'm focusing on doesn't seem to be stuff that other bloggers I've come across are focusing on.
Hot water...
This is a huge positive for this week! Thanks to
redbraids assisting us, we had the plumber out and a new hot water system installed. Hot showers at home every night - such bliss! And, the ease with which we can now do dishes! I'm not even remotely mocking anything, the bit where we turn the hot tap on and hot water comes out is just *amazing*. We're all relieved and grateful beyond belief.
I think on that happy note, that I'm done for this week. Overall a much better week, better feelings of happiness and equilibrium. The reassuring bits were wonderfully reassuring and affirms what I was trying to achieve by asking for what I needed. Hoping that next week continues in the positive, I'm putting that out there in any case, and do the best I can.
This entry was originally posted at http://transcendancing.dreamwidth.org/859997.html