Experiences of Community and Solitude.
This weekend has involved some intense experiences of both community and solitude. Both in different ways. I have a large amount of thanks to mention to various people, without whom the weekend would have been a very different kettle of fish.
I had unexpected news on Friday evening which put me in a state of anxiety for a good twenty-four hours. I'm not able to form the words to discuss it openly, but the sudden and visceral nature of my reaction was both surprising and unsurprising to me. As was the mortification that came with it. In this space there is community at work for the awesome, and I can only try and explain my weeping with relief, my deep abiding thankfulness to loved ones for providing me safe space to freak out, means of working through it and finding coping.
In particular there was an amazing triumvirate of powerful love experienced through
samvara,
callistra and
flyingblogspot, who between them managed to get me beyond my anxiety and freaked-out-ness to spaces of coping strategies and self understanding instead of recrimination and bewilderment. Dearest ones, thank you for your love and your willingness, your astute and gentle questions and above all your encircling love for helping me through.
Thank you times eleventy also to @angrygoat who was willing to step in and be with me if it was necessary, as with other situations the simple fact of having a safety net meant I didn't need to use it. Thank you also to @darthchucky for providing comfort and gentle questions, textual hiding spaces where I could unravel what my poor brain was doing to me.
I had a funeral to attend on Saturday afternoon, by which time I was functioning as a compassionate and loving human being again. The service was for a baby girl named Kaya and it was deeply moving, inspiring and beautiful. It was heartfelt and provided a space to grieve for such an inexplicable happening to a friend whom I admire greatly. It was my privilege to attend and honour this little child, loved and wanted and so very missed by all of us.
Here was another experience of intense community, such love and reaching out, such care and comfort. I felt the strength of all of us come together, sharing and giving of ourselves, honouring a life and friends who were suffering their daughter's loss. We are none of us alone, do we but reach out, someone is there. What an amazing community to be part of. I am humbled and in awe.
Last night I spent in solitude, the boys went out to roller derby, (any other night I'd have been *so* there, I've been really wanting to go!) I spent most of the evening in the bath, quietly reading. The silence was welcome, as was simply reading for pleasure.
Today I spent mostly in solitude, though I caught up with my meditation buddy from the meditation workshop I completed recently. He's an interesting guy and I welcomed an opportunity to catch up having finished the workshop and talk about it as a completion thing, but also because getting to know him better is of interest. We spent an enjoyable two hours talking and we both kind of felt we could have stayed longer :) However, I needed food and he had another thing to go to, but we'll do it again and that thought makes me smile.
I almost caught up with another friend of mine, and his cuddles would have been very welcome. However, wandering around Northbridge and drinking coffee, doing quiet laptop stuff and reading was a day perfectly spent.
The last highlight of this part of the day was speaking with MS, sometimes it seems so long between when time/energy coincide for talking and connecting and sharing. Sometimes I forget how lovely it is when we do. Moments like today remind me and I am newly delighted and smiley feeling the gentleness of our affection, care and love for one another. Ours is a distance based connection, it often seems so surreal but when we do come together there's a lot of amazing to appreciate about one another. I never get tired of being amazed by or amazing her, I delight in both. Even a couple of years on from starting.... whatever it is we've started... we're still so new to one another and that constant surprise is wonderful to share with each other.
I'm sufficiently feeling lonely and fragile, cut off and stretched from my romantic loves that any influx of energy, attention and love is intensely experienced. Poor
hipikat has borne the brunt of it of late with K, they've been amazing. Hoping that enough is shifting that there's more space for energy to flow back and forth a bit more freely and thus provide me with a little more of what I am missing and wishing for in reassurance and belongingness, desiredness in connection to my loved ones. This isn't something I usually stumble over and need much of, that I do is hard to admit and harder to ask them for.
I'm still also dealing with the ongoingness that my stuff hasn't arrived back from Kununurra yet, and I really am beginning to miss my other shoes, clothes, half read books, paperwork and teapots, teas and so on... it's also a lingering reminder of a painful and bewildering experience that I'd like to put to rest properly.
Tonight has been welcome solitude. I've been drinking tea, listening to last.fm and writing blogs. I have finally gotten stamps for my Postcrossing postcards (more on that in another post). Working where there's zero access to a post office given my current trend of posting stuff mostly weekly is actually really inconvenient :P I've found some work arounds thankfully. Time to write a last couple of things for posting tomorrow. Then I shall attempt to settle down early for bed. (hah!)
I don't think I can come up with a TL:DR version, lots of personal discussion about the weekend though, moving between the good, the difficult, the unexpected, the very hard and the welcome. How's that? It'll have to do...
This entry was originally posted at http://transcendancing.dreamwidth.org/820346.html
I had unexpected news on Friday evening which put me in a state of anxiety for a good twenty-four hours. I'm not able to form the words to discuss it openly, but the sudden and visceral nature of my reaction was both surprising and unsurprising to me. As was the mortification that came with it. In this space there is community at work for the awesome, and I can only try and explain my weeping with relief, my deep abiding thankfulness to loved ones for providing me safe space to freak out, means of working through it and finding coping.
In particular there was an amazing triumvirate of powerful love experienced through
samvara,
callistra and
flyingblogspot, who between them managed to get me beyond my anxiety and freaked-out-ness to spaces of coping strategies and self understanding instead of recrimination and bewilderment. Dearest ones, thank you for your love and your willingness, your astute and gentle questions and above all your encircling love for helping me through.
Thank you times eleventy also to @angrygoat who was willing to step in and be with me if it was necessary, as with other situations the simple fact of having a safety net meant I didn't need to use it. Thank you also to @darthchucky for providing comfort and gentle questions, textual hiding spaces where I could unravel what my poor brain was doing to me.
I had a funeral to attend on Saturday afternoon, by which time I was functioning as a compassionate and loving human being again. The service was for a baby girl named Kaya and it was deeply moving, inspiring and beautiful. It was heartfelt and provided a space to grieve for such an inexplicable happening to a friend whom I admire greatly. It was my privilege to attend and honour this little child, loved and wanted and so very missed by all of us.
Here was another experience of intense community, such love and reaching out, such care and comfort. I felt the strength of all of us come together, sharing and giving of ourselves, honouring a life and friends who were suffering their daughter's loss. We are none of us alone, do we but reach out, someone is there. What an amazing community to be part of. I am humbled and in awe.
Last night I spent in solitude, the boys went out to roller derby, (any other night I'd have been *so* there, I've been really wanting to go!) I spent most of the evening in the bath, quietly reading. The silence was welcome, as was simply reading for pleasure.
Today I spent mostly in solitude, though I caught up with my meditation buddy from the meditation workshop I completed recently. He's an interesting guy and I welcomed an opportunity to catch up having finished the workshop and talk about it as a completion thing, but also because getting to know him better is of interest. We spent an enjoyable two hours talking and we both kind of felt we could have stayed longer :) However, I needed food and he had another thing to go to, but we'll do it again and that thought makes me smile.
I almost caught up with another friend of mine, and his cuddles would have been very welcome. However, wandering around Northbridge and drinking coffee, doing quiet laptop stuff and reading was a day perfectly spent.
The last highlight of this part of the day was speaking with MS, sometimes it seems so long between when time/energy coincide for talking and connecting and sharing. Sometimes I forget how lovely it is when we do. Moments like today remind me and I am newly delighted and smiley feeling the gentleness of our affection, care and love for one another. Ours is a distance based connection, it often seems so surreal but when we do come together there's a lot of amazing to appreciate about one another. I never get tired of being amazed by or amazing her, I delight in both. Even a couple of years on from starting.... whatever it is we've started... we're still so new to one another and that constant surprise is wonderful to share with each other.
I'm sufficiently feeling lonely and fragile, cut off and stretched from my romantic loves that any influx of energy, attention and love is intensely experienced. Poor
hipikat has borne the brunt of it of late with K, they've been amazing. Hoping that enough is shifting that there's more space for energy to flow back and forth a bit more freely and thus provide me with a little more of what I am missing and wishing for in reassurance and belongingness, desiredness in connection to my loved ones. This isn't something I usually stumble over and need much of, that I do is hard to admit and harder to ask them for.
I'm still also dealing with the ongoingness that my stuff hasn't arrived back from Kununurra yet, and I really am beginning to miss my other shoes, clothes, half read books, paperwork and teapots, teas and so on... it's also a lingering reminder of a painful and bewildering experience that I'd like to put to rest properly.
Tonight has been welcome solitude. I've been drinking tea, listening to last.fm and writing blogs. I have finally gotten stamps for my Postcrossing postcards (more on that in another post). Working where there's zero access to a post office given my current trend of posting stuff mostly weekly is actually really inconvenient :P I've found some work arounds thankfully. Time to write a last couple of things for posting tomorrow. Then I shall attempt to settle down early for bed. (hah!)
I don't think I can come up with a TL:DR version, lots of personal discussion about the weekend though, moving between the good, the difficult, the unexpected, the very hard and the welcome. How's that? It'll have to do...
This entry was originally posted at http://transcendancing.dreamwidth.org/820346.html