Love is......
Several things.
I've been in a state tonight. I'm still ridiculously overheated, though thankfully not crampy thanks to nurofen+. I'm also over the current acute emotional overwrought-ness. I am hoping that it will just be the single one, but am mentally provisioning for possibility of others.
This is a familiar experience for me... but usually I'm not suffering an extended lack of sleep, fucked up sleep patterns, and being extremely busy and commitments that require me to be 'on' a lot of the time atm. Said commitments are a joy - and I'm resentful only of the heat and my inability to sleep well atm rather than the commitments themselves.
So this afternoon was hard. I'm hungry for cuddles and touch - and from a particular area of intimacy. So I wanted specific company, wanted comfort and love from a specific circle, and to be cared for and be able to be 'off' for a while in the circle of that love.
The universe answered, all through the day. This is me noticing that, acknowledging that and really being profoundly grateful for that. Experiences of love today that helped me make it through the hardest bit:
* MS keeping me company online at work most of the day and being lovely, funny, distracting and providing a plethora of virtual hugs. Her bubblyness always makes me smile, as does her openness and willingness to share with me.
* maharetr told me to go home, and to listen to my body, rather than persist in making it to the seminar tonight, despite wanting to be there and considering it really important. She got from my discussion with her, that I really wasn't up for being able to introspectively explore within, and confront the difficult bits tonight. I'm really glad I came home instead, despite missing people a lot.
* linstar, stephbg, stephiepenguin and redbraids all commented on my 'all over the place emo post' and expressed love, and sent distractions - and given the state i was in writing it, however silly it may seem - it really helped. My experience of virtual love is, not that it is virtual at all - i experience it tangibly.
* subtle_eye called me to distract me and share shiny things with me, and then let me cry on him (virtually), about feeling like i didn't deserve being comforted because there wasn't anything actually wrong, i was just hormonal and really miserable, and because i was wanting specific company and intimacy, with said specifics being largely impossible to fulfill, that i didn't deserve comfort for that reason either. In just actually saying both of these things, and with subtle_eye's reiteration, i realised everyone deserves comfort and compassion. That in and of itself, was very comforting and I felt instantly a lot better. Giving myself permission to be comforted - and then accepting said comfort.
* black_samvara for impulsively calling me, and when I said i wanted company and needed comfort, came to pick me up and we had dinner, whilst waiting for her electricity to return, and appreciate the aircon in the mean time. It was important to both of us tonight to express our love for one another and how much we valued being able to spend time tonight. There was lots of casual touch, and cuddles, which meant that with such obvious love, and also cuddles... the misery had fled, and equilibrium had returned to my hormonal state.
I'm still teary as all fuck, but i'm not -miserable- as well. Small distinction, but important.
* Skyped with subtle_eye and enjoyed getting to know him better, given I imagine I'll see a reasonable amount of him this year, etc I'm extremely pleased by this. It was also good to create a clear space to form a friendship, I really appreciated that.
He promised to blog about our conversation about post modernism, and we talked about the nature of fear, the difference between fear, risk and caution and other such things, it was really lovely.
* Had extended email conversation with ascetic_hedony, whose virtual hugs were plentiful, and whom provided much love and distraction and understanding. I am blessed to have him in my life. He's also pretty lucky to have me ;) But that's another post :P
* Chatted online with maharetr and really enjoyed the exchange, loved hearing about her night and what she'd gotten and her excitement and stuff - it was just so awesome, I don't have words :) Can't wait for more, and also it was good to share with her about tonight - it meant I could compose this post with some degree of coherency.
* K is home tonight, which was a little unexpected for me, and even though he has to get up at stupid o'clock to start his new job tomorrow, I'm pleased to be able to sleep beside him, even if it's too hot to actually cuddle. *bleah* (You know it's hot and I'm sleeping badly when I can't bear to cuddle). I'm about to go and join him :)
Just reading over this, and having thought my way through it bit by bit as I've typed this, I'm struck by the phenomenal amount of care and comfort and love I received today - though it took till after dinner for me to truly appreciate it. I'm very grateful to you all, especially as by the time it gets acute enough that I need to do something about it, and it's actually distressing/noticeable, I often find it the hardest point to ask for what I need.
I'm hoping that I can sleep. If I sleep, I'll be at work, and if I don't, I'll be home rather than trying to force myself to cope and be focused and competent where my commitment isn't there. I'll rest, regroup and re-commit.
I can't look forward to tomorrow still being as hot as 35, but I can look forward to a much cooler night... though I can feel a cool breeze against my leg as I type... *is hopeful*
Also, wish K luck for his new job tomorrow - he starts at 6:30am, and thus will be up at 4:30am... now many of you are familiar with my beloved, and are aware that he is -not- a morning person.
I've been in a state tonight. I'm still ridiculously overheated, though thankfully not crampy thanks to nurofen+. I'm also over the current acute emotional overwrought-ness. I am hoping that it will just be the single one, but am mentally provisioning for possibility of others.
This is a familiar experience for me... but usually I'm not suffering an extended lack of sleep, fucked up sleep patterns, and being extremely busy and commitments that require me to be 'on' a lot of the time atm. Said commitments are a joy - and I'm resentful only of the heat and my inability to sleep well atm rather than the commitments themselves.
So this afternoon was hard. I'm hungry for cuddles and touch - and from a particular area of intimacy. So I wanted specific company, wanted comfort and love from a specific circle, and to be cared for and be able to be 'off' for a while in the circle of that love.
The universe answered, all through the day. This is me noticing that, acknowledging that and really being profoundly grateful for that. Experiences of love today that helped me make it through the hardest bit:
* MS keeping me company online at work most of the day and being lovely, funny, distracting and providing a plethora of virtual hugs. Her bubblyness always makes me smile, as does her openness and willingness to share with me.
* maharetr told me to go home, and to listen to my body, rather than persist in making it to the seminar tonight, despite wanting to be there and considering it really important. She got from my discussion with her, that I really wasn't up for being able to introspectively explore within, and confront the difficult bits tonight. I'm really glad I came home instead, despite missing people a lot.
* linstar, stephbg, stephiepenguin and redbraids all commented on my 'all over the place emo post' and expressed love, and sent distractions - and given the state i was in writing it, however silly it may seem - it really helped. My experience of virtual love is, not that it is virtual at all - i experience it tangibly.
* subtle_eye called me to distract me and share shiny things with me, and then let me cry on him (virtually), about feeling like i didn't deserve being comforted because there wasn't anything actually wrong, i was just hormonal and really miserable, and because i was wanting specific company and intimacy, with said specifics being largely impossible to fulfill, that i didn't deserve comfort for that reason either. In just actually saying both of these things, and with subtle_eye's reiteration, i realised everyone deserves comfort and compassion. That in and of itself, was very comforting and I felt instantly a lot better. Giving myself permission to be comforted - and then accepting said comfort.
* black_samvara for impulsively calling me, and when I said i wanted company and needed comfort, came to pick me up and we had dinner, whilst waiting for her electricity to return, and appreciate the aircon in the mean time. It was important to both of us tonight to express our love for one another and how much we valued being able to spend time tonight. There was lots of casual touch, and cuddles, which meant that with such obvious love, and also cuddles... the misery had fled, and equilibrium had returned to my hormonal state.
I'm still teary as all fuck, but i'm not -miserable- as well. Small distinction, but important.
* Skyped with subtle_eye and enjoyed getting to know him better, given I imagine I'll see a reasonable amount of him this year, etc I'm extremely pleased by this. It was also good to create a clear space to form a friendship, I really appreciated that.
He promised to blog about our conversation about post modernism, and we talked about the nature of fear, the difference between fear, risk and caution and other such things, it was really lovely.
* Had extended email conversation with ascetic_hedony, whose virtual hugs were plentiful, and whom provided much love and distraction and understanding. I am blessed to have him in my life. He's also pretty lucky to have me ;) But that's another post :P
* Chatted online with maharetr and really enjoyed the exchange, loved hearing about her night and what she'd gotten and her excitement and stuff - it was just so awesome, I don't have words :) Can't wait for more, and also it was good to share with her about tonight - it meant I could compose this post with some degree of coherency.
* K is home tonight, which was a little unexpected for me, and even though he has to get up at stupid o'clock to start his new job tomorrow, I'm pleased to be able to sleep beside him, even if it's too hot to actually cuddle. *bleah* (You know it's hot and I'm sleeping badly when I can't bear to cuddle). I'm about to go and join him :)
Just reading over this, and having thought my way through it bit by bit as I've typed this, I'm struck by the phenomenal amount of care and comfort and love I received today - though it took till after dinner for me to truly appreciate it. I'm very grateful to you all, especially as by the time it gets acute enough that I need to do something about it, and it's actually distressing/noticeable, I often find it the hardest point to ask for what I need.
I'm hoping that I can sleep. If I sleep, I'll be at work, and if I don't, I'll be home rather than trying to force myself to cope and be focused and competent where my commitment isn't there. I'll rest, regroup and re-commit.
I can't look forward to tomorrow still being as hot as 35, but I can look forward to a much cooler night... though I can feel a cool breeze against my leg as I type... *is hopeful*
Also, wish K luck for his new job tomorrow - he starts at 6:30am, and thus will be up at 4:30am... now many of you are familiar with my beloved, and are aware that he is -not- a morning person.