Recurrence
I'm not sure how to share my day with you, today. I'm not sure how to form the words.
I am sad and mourning and angry. Again. It has coloured my day with tears.
My fingers still on the keyboard - how do I start?
The beginning of today...
My day started by going to see my doctor. I want a referral to a gynaecologist. Which started the conversation of why I didn't want to go back to the previous person I was referred to. The last visit was... traumatic - my worst experience in this arena yet. Despite having a friend there for support.
This time when asking for a referral I asked specifically for a recommendation of someone who could deal with either issues of accessibility or trauma. Only my doctor hadn't come across this before.
Which meant that instead of a clean statement of implied context - which is usually more than enough, in order to convey the reasoning of why I've asked for this kind of thing specifically. Instead I had to explain in much more detail and field the gentle assurances that I can always refuse a procedure if I'm not comfortable. It took some time before he understood that I was well aware of that, and that I'd tried to insist, but was a) too frightened and b) she said she'd do the exam the way I'd asked - and then when she didn't, it felt too late.
He was apologetic that it had happened, and said that he wasn't aware of someone who specialised in stress considerations - he gave me a list of names to call and said that he'd put the particulars of my request in the referral to help me.
He was totally unprepared for me and my situation this morning. I was and am still, totally unprepared for having to explain the situation from scratch - my reasoning from scratch. I felt so horribly exposed and I felt so guilty - of which I'm aware is silly. I couldn't stop crying.
I took the day. It's been a day of scattered thoughts, of feeling sad and angry. I've been working quietly on uni stuff - but productivity is suspect. I am glad I have the best boss in the world - he was wonderful when I called to explain how my being late in was actually going to be not in at all.
I spoke to callistra when I got home and after I'd cried on my beloved K for a bit, whose first words were 'do you want me to pick you and your laptop up?'. black_samvara and I almost managed to catch up for lunch. e_dan called me this afternoon. I have the most amazing people in my life. I don't have enough words to thank you.
I've also now made an appointment with someone recommended by lauredhel, and while the appointment isn't until December, I can deal with that as the recommendation included the words 'he listens'. Many, many thanks again.
Still, I'm scared. I'm so very very scared that I'll hit the place I was at two nearly three years ago now. I don't want to feel so completely divorced from my body again. I don't want to close of certain parts of my mind, just to heal and cope.
However, returning to logic. I am doing everything I can to manage it - I know that this is a Hard Thing for me. So I know I won't be at work that day. I have arranged for a Knight in Shining Armour (otherwise known as black_samvara to come with me - and I have no worry that if I need it, she can speak for me. That I will be safe. I've picked a day where the end of it will result in the closest people in my life in one space, and there will be support and love in plenty, and because of all of this it will be fine and I will be able to laugh at my over precaution.
I've been trying to write this all day. Though I'm still struggling - and I can feel the stilted voice within the words. I think perhaps that I wanted to say something so that I have actually said something. For me. For others who may also have been in similar situations, and/or feel alone in this.
But mainly because it's not a fucking secret and I don't need to feel ashamed that all these years later the thing that I can't seem to defeat relating to my past abuse is doing this one thing every two years. That my experiences of it have in and of themselves without my history been upsetting and on a couple of occasions traumatic. Ironically the first one was the best and that wasn't long after I got my memories back initially. This time, this time will be another positive experience. *affirms*
I am sad and mourning and angry. Again. It has coloured my day with tears.
My fingers still on the keyboard - how do I start?
The beginning of today...
My day started by going to see my doctor. I want a referral to a gynaecologist. Which started the conversation of why I didn't want to go back to the previous person I was referred to. The last visit was... traumatic - my worst experience in this arena yet. Despite having a friend there for support.
This time when asking for a referral I asked specifically for a recommendation of someone who could deal with either issues of accessibility or trauma. Only my doctor hadn't come across this before.
Which meant that instead of a clean statement of implied context - which is usually more than enough, in order to convey the reasoning of why I've asked for this kind of thing specifically. Instead I had to explain in much more detail and field the gentle assurances that I can always refuse a procedure if I'm not comfortable. It took some time before he understood that I was well aware of that, and that I'd tried to insist, but was a) too frightened and b) she said she'd do the exam the way I'd asked - and then when she didn't, it felt too late.
He was apologetic that it had happened, and said that he wasn't aware of someone who specialised in stress considerations - he gave me a list of names to call and said that he'd put the particulars of my request in the referral to help me.
He was totally unprepared for me and my situation this morning. I was and am still, totally unprepared for having to explain the situation from scratch - my reasoning from scratch. I felt so horribly exposed and I felt so guilty - of which I'm aware is silly. I couldn't stop crying.
I took the day. It's been a day of scattered thoughts, of feeling sad and angry. I've been working quietly on uni stuff - but productivity is suspect. I am glad I have the best boss in the world - he was wonderful when I called to explain how my being late in was actually going to be not in at all.
I spoke to callistra when I got home and after I'd cried on my beloved K for a bit, whose first words were 'do you want me to pick you and your laptop up?'. black_samvara and I almost managed to catch up for lunch. e_dan called me this afternoon. I have the most amazing people in my life. I don't have enough words to thank you.
I've also now made an appointment with someone recommended by lauredhel, and while the appointment isn't until December, I can deal with that as the recommendation included the words 'he listens'. Many, many thanks again.
Still, I'm scared. I'm so very very scared that I'll hit the place I was at two nearly three years ago now. I don't want to feel so completely divorced from my body again. I don't want to close of certain parts of my mind, just to heal and cope.
However, returning to logic. I am doing everything I can to manage it - I know that this is a Hard Thing for me. So I know I won't be at work that day. I have arranged for a Knight in Shining Armour (otherwise known as black_samvara to come with me - and I have no worry that if I need it, she can speak for me. That I will be safe. I've picked a day where the end of it will result in the closest people in my life in one space, and there will be support and love in plenty, and because of all of this it will be fine and I will be able to laugh at my over precaution.
I've been trying to write this all day. Though I'm still struggling - and I can feel the stilted voice within the words. I think perhaps that I wanted to say something so that I have actually said something. For me. For others who may also have been in similar situations, and/or feel alone in this.
But mainly because it's not a fucking secret and I don't need to feel ashamed that all these years later the thing that I can't seem to defeat relating to my past abuse is doing this one thing every two years. That my experiences of it have in and of themselves without my history been upsetting and on a couple of occasions traumatic. Ironically the first one was the best and that wasn't long after I got my memories back initially. This time, this time will be another positive experience. *affirms*