I am unsure.
I am unsure. I think if I tally up the good days against the bad days in this job, I think I'd be lucky to come to 50%.
What I like about it is that it feels like I'm || <-- this close to actually being competent. Which is worse than not feeling competent at all, because it's a clear signal I need to be somewhere else.
Being this close... I feel like I am failing.
I should note that for the most part this seems to be an internal judgment of myself, moreso than anything else at work atm, but I would say that it's not helping.
I mentioned to someone today that it had been 5-6 years since I had work related anxiety like I'm experiencing at various times now. I feel like I've failed in that too - I feel like I've gone backwards, back into things I've already done, experienced and had to work through... I feel like it shouldn't be necessary to do it again.
I WANT to do a good job. I want the sense of satisfaction and achievement. I want to make a difference. I want to care.
It's breaking my heart that despite the energy and effort I'm putting in, that I don't feel like this is happening, and am not confident it will happen at all.
I dislike the idea of job hunting again... just so soon and grrr all that fussing again. All the spin doctoring - which at the moment I don't feel capable of doing - my self confidence is a rather thin shell at the moment.
Also, I like the team - it's an interesting and talented group of people, which I have enjoyed learning from, but at the same time, I feel so incompetent next to them - little misses feel huge, and wins feel like they should be commonplace.
Somewhere I am organised, intelligent and capable, insightful and communicative. Where has she gone? I can't seem to find her...
I guess that I'm going to start to see what jobs are out there. I think that it's likely this time I'll be drawn to do something that I'm sure of my ability to perform, something that hopefully still has an interesting element of challenge with it.
This is another moment where I wish that I'd found a 'calling'. That something that draws you to it, that is inescapable and you just -know- you're going to do 'X'. I've known a number of people like that and I'm awed by them, a little envious, and yet sure that the icing is not all on their side of the cake too. However atm the certainty is a little bit appealing.
Also, I've still failed to order Lush. I'm going to take a break from the pc for an hour because of my shoulder, and then I will do it.
Last call to she who keeps just missing the message ;)