(no subject)

May 10, 2006 09:53

We got into a super fight last night. Actually, the first real fight I can think of.
I got home from work and he was all depressed about his bass player. He's had this idea in his head that since they are doing so well as a band in KS, they should do a mini tour down to Texas. Which, was fine with me, since he was planning on doing it in June for a few days that I was going to try to get off. Bass player doesn't want to. Has a family, 2 kids, can't make money chasing after a dream.
Sometimes I wish he would rub off more on Bobby.

I don't know if Bobby wanted my sympathy, but his depression quickly turned to, we are never going to tour, even if we do get signed.

One babe, you are about to be gone for a year. Two, I am pregnant, this requires you to grow up also. I think that offended him. He has in his head that as soon as the baby is born, some mature adult will come out of him, which very well could be the case. But I doubt it.

I am fine with him playing his music. I know he loves it. I am fine with the shows at night and weekends that I can go to. I'm not fine with the ones he plans in his head like he will be a rock god and tour allover the US. I told him he has priorities now, which he has yet to meet.

I'm just really scared that I will end up doing everything alone. Everything about this pregnancy feels like a joke to him. In public, it's a haha, Hannah's knocked up. She was stupid enough to get pregnant by me. And at first, it was a joke. But now it just hurts my feelings. This is real.
I was already mature, but I have grown up even more. I have priorities. I have things that I know need to be done, where he can just fly by the seat of his pants.

I accept the fact that he is in the military and part of his job is to go away.
But after being gone a year, the last thing I want him to do is go on a tour.
As selfish as I am, I feel like I have a right now. Kinda like 2 against 1. So I should win.
One reason I hate Kansas so is the fact that he only wants to stay here for the band. When he gets out, he wants this to be home.
This is the last place I want to be.

Everyone is pushing marriage down my throat. I think that is the last thing I want now. Sure, it would be easy to be married to him while he is gone, but when he comes back, I don't know if I want to come back to Kansas. Maybe to finish out his enlistment. But I want to be back in Texas. Or the south. And I don't want to be tied down in a place that I hate.

I feel so stupid for moving up here. Regardless of how much you love and care for someone, if you hate the place, there is nothing they can do to help.

I am happy for me.
For my new responsibility.

I just feel like I may be wasting my time here.
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