Depression
It's 7:30am in the morning and I haven't yet been asleep. In fact I only arrived home a little over thirty minutes ago from my boyfriends house. Today or rather I should say yesterday was a good day until I asked him if he would like to see me. He told me "not today". When I inquired why ( first potential mistake) he said it was because even though he misses me we have nothing to do together. We don't currently hold alot of the same interests, and the ones we do, we have a different level of priority on that interest. I gave him options of things we could do, video-gaming, drawing, talk about wing chun, etc. However none of these interested him, and he just wanted to chill out and do his own thing for the day. This lead to a down-hill spiral in our conversation culminating to my silent tears (as usual) and not knowing where to go from there. Had he simply told me he wanted a day to himself the conversation would have never happened. I would have understood that and would have prefered to have only been told he wanted a day to himself then to the reasons he didn't want me around. Nevertheless I told him that if I came up with something to do I'd call him and let him know.
Seeing as my main objective was to be with him, I managed to get ahold of his friend Mejoh and got us invited to his home to hangout. I notify my boyfriend ( Battle is his name ) and he reluctantly agreed to go. So excited and nervous I throw on some clothes and race towards his house. Not even ten minutes from him door he calls me to tell me he has no clean clothes to go out in so he was going to cancel. I complained that I was already on my way to see him and in my mind was thinking if I could just stop by anyway just to have a quick smoke break and then leave him to his devices, I would have satisfied my goal in seeing him for the day. However before I actually asked him if I could stop by he cut me off and told me he knew what I was going to say and said that I could come by since I was already on the way.
I arrived to rather warm kisses and a hug and followed him upstairs to his room where I poured us some Christian Brothers whiskey and we laid back and watched two episodes of "Community". I had heard of the show before from other friends but never got up the personal drive to watch it myself. So thankfully he was engaged enough with me to answer my questions about the show, and the show itself was entertaining so that part of the night at least was fun. I finished my portion of whiskey and some then suggested that we take a smoke break outside. So we did. We got high and talked about Wing Chun, and tattoos. I've been wanting to get tattoo's that bind me and Battle together, and I told him that after knowing him for nearly fourteen years that I was ready to take the next leap. That I was tired of being in this limbo of him and I being shaky life partners. I am not entirely sure what he got out of that conversation, but needless to say after saying my smeal and him talking about his own tattoo's we went back inside.
High and slightly tipsy we laid back to watch more Community, and instead of watching the show got frisky. We did the do, neither one of us climaxing and then exhausted laid on the bed and passed out until 6:20 this morning. I woke him up letting him know I was leaving, and he said that he didn't consider days like this fun days and that I didn't listen to him when he said he just wanted a chill day. Battle walked me downstairs and I kissed him goodbye and told him that I loved him. He said that he loved me back, but the look on his face left me on edge. I asked him if he was upset with me and he just said "GO!" and I left the house. I started my car and drove off, but almost immediately called him on the phone. I asked him if he was truly upset with me and he responded " just leave it alone please, goodnight" and hung up the phone. I followed up and wrote him two text messages stating that I didn't enjoy leaving him on a not so positive note and that I would do what I could to fix these issues that we are having.
I cried for half of the trip home and here I am now writing in this stupid journal because my life is crap. I love my boyfriend with all of my heart, and I believe that if we were truly a team and we truly want the same things there is no reason despite our differences why we can't be a healthy, functioning, happy couple. Honestly I feel like the one out of the two of us that really wants this. Not a relationship, but him and I together forever. I've been fighting an uphill battle ever since our year anniversary and I can't seem to get it right. Every time I make a step in the right direction there are two steps I have to take back because something else is wrong, or he doesn't actually like doing this or that, he's particular in this way so in order to be with him I have to deal and adapt to it, his quirks are what make him him and that he isn't changing for me or anyone else, that I am not wise in the ways of a relationship and that he's waiting on me to become the person I want to be and the person he needs me to be, how my emotions are too high and that I need to calm the hell down cause nothing is as bad as it seems, that he loves me as much as I love him but he shows it through action more than words or even physical touch on occasion.
It's all riding on what I choose or choose not to do. The pressure is unfair and unjust, and I don't know why I can accept all of his flaws and love him despite of flaws/want him for all the things he can do to make me smile/keep him for my partner in this life, and he can't see me in the same light... things are looking fairly hopeless. I don't know how much energy I have left to fight for this man that I love so much. My life as I used to live it literally stopped because my life focus became him. It should have always been me first, but never being in love before my fixation on our relationship and it's success is at the very least understandable. So I'm stuck in this loop of happy and sad, and even though he is the source of my sadness a few kind words, a loving look, just seeing his face is enough to melt away my sadness. He know's without a shadow of a doubt what I would do for him and how fervent my love is for him, but I don't know if love will be enough for us.. or rather enough for him... in fact I know it isn't...
Seeing as my main objective was to be with him, I managed to get ahold of his friend Mejoh and got us invited to his home to hangout. I notify my boyfriend ( Battle is his name ) and he reluctantly agreed to go. So excited and nervous I throw on some clothes and race towards his house. Not even ten minutes from him door he calls me to tell me he has no clean clothes to go out in so he was going to cancel. I complained that I was already on my way to see him and in my mind was thinking if I could just stop by anyway just to have a quick smoke break and then leave him to his devices, I would have satisfied my goal in seeing him for the day. However before I actually asked him if I could stop by he cut me off and told me he knew what I was going to say and said that I could come by since I was already on the way.
I arrived to rather warm kisses and a hug and followed him upstairs to his room where I poured us some Christian Brothers whiskey and we laid back and watched two episodes of "Community". I had heard of the show before from other friends but never got up the personal drive to watch it myself. So thankfully he was engaged enough with me to answer my questions about the show, and the show itself was entertaining so that part of the night at least was fun. I finished my portion of whiskey and some then suggested that we take a smoke break outside. So we did. We got high and talked about Wing Chun, and tattoos. I've been wanting to get tattoo's that bind me and Battle together, and I told him that after knowing him for nearly fourteen years that I was ready to take the next leap. That I was tired of being in this limbo of him and I being shaky life partners. I am not entirely sure what he got out of that conversation, but needless to say after saying my smeal and him talking about his own tattoo's we went back inside.
High and slightly tipsy we laid back to watch more Community, and instead of watching the show got frisky. We did the do, neither one of us climaxing and then exhausted laid on the bed and passed out until 6:20 this morning. I woke him up letting him know I was leaving, and he said that he didn't consider days like this fun days and that I didn't listen to him when he said he just wanted a chill day. Battle walked me downstairs and I kissed him goodbye and told him that I loved him. He said that he loved me back, but the look on his face left me on edge. I asked him if he was upset with me and he just said "GO!" and I left the house. I started my car and drove off, but almost immediately called him on the phone. I asked him if he was truly upset with me and he responded " just leave it alone please, goodnight" and hung up the phone. I followed up and wrote him two text messages stating that I didn't enjoy leaving him on a not so positive note and that I would do what I could to fix these issues that we are having.
I cried for half of the trip home and here I am now writing in this stupid journal because my life is crap. I love my boyfriend with all of my heart, and I believe that if we were truly a team and we truly want the same things there is no reason despite our differences why we can't be a healthy, functioning, happy couple. Honestly I feel like the one out of the two of us that really wants this. Not a relationship, but him and I together forever. I've been fighting an uphill battle ever since our year anniversary and I can't seem to get it right. Every time I make a step in the right direction there are two steps I have to take back because something else is wrong, or he doesn't actually like doing this or that, he's particular in this way so in order to be with him I have to deal and adapt to it, his quirks are what make him him and that he isn't changing for me or anyone else, that I am not wise in the ways of a relationship and that he's waiting on me to become the person I want to be and the person he needs me to be, how my emotions are too high and that I need to calm the hell down cause nothing is as bad as it seems, that he loves me as much as I love him but he shows it through action more than words or even physical touch on occasion.
It's all riding on what I choose or choose not to do. The pressure is unfair and unjust, and I don't know why I can accept all of his flaws and love him despite of flaws/want him for all the things he can do to make me smile/keep him for my partner in this life, and he can't see me in the same light... things are looking fairly hopeless. I don't know how much energy I have left to fight for this man that I love so much. My life as I used to live it literally stopped because my life focus became him. It should have always been me first, but never being in love before my fixation on our relationship and it's success is at the very least understandable. So I'm stuck in this loop of happy and sad, and even though he is the source of my sadness a few kind words, a loving look, just seeing his face is enough to melt away my sadness. He know's without a shadow of a doubt what I would do for him and how fervent my love is for him, but I don't know if love will be enough for us.. or rather enough for him... in fact I know it isn't...