time...
...Changes everything
I was going back through the archives of this journal, reading my old entries and thinking about how much my life has changed and just how much Ive grown up, and haven't in the last four years.
I read some of the entries about my relationship with Stephen, my tumultuous/abusive relationship with my father, and my self esteem, and I wonder, how have things changed? Am I really any different than I was before? To be honest, I'm not sure. I was feeling pretty sorry for myself, because when I look back, I realize that while I was given a lot of opportunities as a kid... I had some pretty fucked up shit thrown at me that really no kid should have to deal with. Ever. But then I realized that, well, what kid doesn't? We ALL have had to deal with terrible things as children. All of us have dealt with death, family problems, and one in every 5 children deals with some form of abuse in their life... so I'm not special.
The biggest question is, how much have I learned? Am I a better person now than I was then? Have my past experiences allowed me to help others? What am I today, that I wasn't yesterday?
I still dont have a complete grasp on the mysteries of life... but then again I really dont think any of us do. I think that might be the beauty of it all, is that no matter how long we live, we will never know everything, and as a result... we HAVE to eventually come to the realization that not knowing everything is ok. That surrender is beautiful to me. Especially when I witness it in myself. When I look back and see this angry, mouthy, escapist, silly little girl that was very intelligent but way too self righteous to actually use it for any good, melt away into this person who is totally unsure of the world around her and is becoming more and more ok with that every day, Im happy.
Its ok to be unsure of whats coming next. Its ok not to know everything, and its ok to admit that things aren't as black and white as you think they should be. Its ok for me to do that. It feels freeing to say that.
I was going back through the archives of this journal, reading my old entries and thinking about how much my life has changed and just how much Ive grown up, and haven't in the last four years.
I read some of the entries about my relationship with Stephen, my tumultuous/abusive relationship with my father, and my self esteem, and I wonder, how have things changed? Am I really any different than I was before? To be honest, I'm not sure. I was feeling pretty sorry for myself, because when I look back, I realize that while I was given a lot of opportunities as a kid... I had some pretty fucked up shit thrown at me that really no kid should have to deal with. Ever. But then I realized that, well, what kid doesn't? We ALL have had to deal with terrible things as children. All of us have dealt with death, family problems, and one in every 5 children deals with some form of abuse in their life... so I'm not special.
The biggest question is, how much have I learned? Am I a better person now than I was then? Have my past experiences allowed me to help others? What am I today, that I wasn't yesterday?
I still dont have a complete grasp on the mysteries of life... but then again I really dont think any of us do. I think that might be the beauty of it all, is that no matter how long we live, we will never know everything, and as a result... we HAVE to eventually come to the realization that not knowing everything is ok. That surrender is beautiful to me. Especially when I witness it in myself. When I look back and see this angry, mouthy, escapist, silly little girl that was very intelligent but way too self righteous to actually use it for any good, melt away into this person who is totally unsure of the world around her and is becoming more and more ok with that every day, Im happy.
Its ok to be unsure of whats coming next. Its ok not to know everything, and its ok to admit that things aren't as black and white as you think they should be. Its ok for me to do that. It feels freeing to say that.