June 23rd 2006.
I've concluded that I'm a mess. I've been unkempt, untidy, random, all over the place. I can't let it be like this. Especially emotionally, just all over the place - random blips appearing on the radar screen. I need to be sure of the next person I get attatched to. I need to make sure it's a for sure thing. I'm tired of taking risks and stupid leaps of faith in hopes that I'll get my emotions reciprocated. Why do I always have to be the one getting hurt and heart broken in the end? I'm tired of feeling empty. I'm sick of feeling lonely and lost, strangling myself with questions and playing out every possible scenario in my head. I hate overthinking. And I think that it also leads towards another disadvantage - nobody wants someone whose constantly overthinking, overplaying, over hoping individual who clings on to every single little thing, interpreting every single action and thinking twice towards a double meaning of a word or two. No one. People want the game. People want all the casts to play the roles of "I don't give a shit about you but I secretly do." And when the other hurts us, we secretly do take it personally - but never do we admit to anything. Why not? Because we appear vulnerable, which the other secretly enjoys and simply replies "I'm sorry, I didn't know." It all comes down to vulnerability. Why are we so afraid to be insecure infront of someone? And why are we so turned off by honest insecurity? That's my problem, and I didn't see it before. I just simply need to play the game. Love is all about rules, boundaries, and tricks. Relationships are not simply just the hormones running through your body anymore, no this is about mind control, hidden meanings, and hard-to-get's. Relationships are all about victories and who won each round. I never saw it until now.
All I have to say is that from this moment on, I will no longer be hurt or distraught because of some individual who treats me like shit - intentionally or not. I was missing out along. I just simply, need to play the game.
All I have to say is that from this moment on, I will no longer be hurt or distraught because of some individual who treats me like shit - intentionally or not. I was missing out along. I just simply, need to play the game.