Dear God.
"Dear God" - could be taken as a plead, a sign of frustration, or even as a call out. None, of which are particularly welcoming circumstances. This is what describes me. Not this very minute, not this very hour, not this very night, but what I have been feeling for this entire day, and all of yesterday. Dear fucking God.
I don't care about much. Hardly anything at all, except for things that directly concern myself. Call me stubborn, pig-headed, or a big stick up my ass.. whatever you want. But this, this that has absolutely nothing to do with me.. this affects me in such a way that whoever i'm with, whatever i'm doing, wherever I am - all I do is hurt. Hurt in such a way that I can't even barely manage to speak. I wish I could speak up - gather words, say something. Maybe talking about it will help me get through. But it's so funny, how at the worst times, words seem to abandon you when you need them the most. So what happens when a cut so deep can't be healed with the power of words and the strength of advice?
Time. Time heals all wounds. Or so they say. Do you believe that? Does time heal your wounds? The biggest scars are the ones left on our hearts, and right now an incision has just reopened a stitch that was settling in. Dear God.
When did I ever become this weak. So unstable with all that I do. I was finally over this, I finally had the courage to walk away and make myself anew. Then a simple accident, a collision of misunderstanding and the frightful irony of fate kicked in and reversed all healing that went on in the past couple of months. WHY?
WHY? Why does everyone I see around me, remind me of you? Why does everything I do remind me of the little things you used to do? Why does everything I see remind me of what used to be? Why does all this have to happen again? Why now and why me, when I've fully moved on and healed - or what I thought was to be moved on and healed, why do you bother to rip me up again and leave me vulnerable and shaking at the thought of something good being taken away from me? Why do I have to go through this again?
I've seen others falter and stumble at the evils of misconception and false love. I've seen the weak blind by the superficiality of relationships and boys and girls who wear their hearts on their sleeve. Never will I become that pathetic. Never will I be with someone for the sake of the company, for the reassurance that all attention cravers enjoy. Never will I lick my lips for the delicious drama that couples can create for the sake of the arguments and the repetitive forgiveness and "I'll take you back's". What is a relationship? What is love? The coming of two people together. Not making one. Not being one. But two people coming together, to be with each other. Complimenting each other, not being each other. Love is the most beautiful thing one can ever have, but anything less are lies and deceptions - and not all of us are too logical to see.
I'd like to believe that I'm one of the logical ones. But I'm not. I fall to the side just like the rest, and I cry just like the rest. I wonder why, I blame myself, I try so desperately to get that person back. That one person who you think could make everything alright. But every successful, self-loving, indepedent person can tell you that although things might not work out - that doesn't necessarily mean that it was your fault for the downfall of the relationship - neither may it be there's.
Lessons. Life lessons. Lessons in love. Lessons in happiness. Lessons in getting what you want. Lessons in accepting the times when you don't always get what you want. Lessons in accepting failure. Lessons in accepting. Lessons in flexibility. Lessons in determination. Lessons in independence. Lessons in life.
Dear fucking God.
I don't care about much. Hardly anything at all, except for things that directly concern myself. Call me stubborn, pig-headed, or a big stick up my ass.. whatever you want. But this, this that has absolutely nothing to do with me.. this affects me in such a way that whoever i'm with, whatever i'm doing, wherever I am - all I do is hurt. Hurt in such a way that I can't even barely manage to speak. I wish I could speak up - gather words, say something. Maybe talking about it will help me get through. But it's so funny, how at the worst times, words seem to abandon you when you need them the most. So what happens when a cut so deep can't be healed with the power of words and the strength of advice?
Time. Time heals all wounds. Or so they say. Do you believe that? Does time heal your wounds? The biggest scars are the ones left on our hearts, and right now an incision has just reopened a stitch that was settling in. Dear God.
When did I ever become this weak. So unstable with all that I do. I was finally over this, I finally had the courage to walk away and make myself anew. Then a simple accident, a collision of misunderstanding and the frightful irony of fate kicked in and reversed all healing that went on in the past couple of months. WHY?
WHY? Why does everyone I see around me, remind me of you? Why does everything I do remind me of the little things you used to do? Why does everything I see remind me of what used to be? Why does all this have to happen again? Why now and why me, when I've fully moved on and healed - or what I thought was to be moved on and healed, why do you bother to rip me up again and leave me vulnerable and shaking at the thought of something good being taken away from me? Why do I have to go through this again?
I've seen others falter and stumble at the evils of misconception and false love. I've seen the weak blind by the superficiality of relationships and boys and girls who wear their hearts on their sleeve. Never will I become that pathetic. Never will I be with someone for the sake of the company, for the reassurance that all attention cravers enjoy. Never will I lick my lips for the delicious drama that couples can create for the sake of the arguments and the repetitive forgiveness and "I'll take you back's". What is a relationship? What is love? The coming of two people together. Not making one. Not being one. But two people coming together, to be with each other. Complimenting each other, not being each other. Love is the most beautiful thing one can ever have, but anything less are lies and deceptions - and not all of us are too logical to see.
I'd like to believe that I'm one of the logical ones. But I'm not. I fall to the side just like the rest, and I cry just like the rest. I wonder why, I blame myself, I try so desperately to get that person back. That one person who you think could make everything alright. But every successful, self-loving, indepedent person can tell you that although things might not work out - that doesn't necessarily mean that it was your fault for the downfall of the relationship - neither may it be there's.
Lessons. Life lessons. Lessons in love. Lessons in happiness. Lessons in getting what you want. Lessons in accepting the times when you don't always get what you want. Lessons in accepting failure. Lessons in accepting. Lessons in flexibility. Lessons in determination. Lessons in independence. Lessons in life.
Dear fucking God.