(no subject)
so you want to know how my fucking time in michigan was you piece of shit? alright. lucky for you I brought my computer with me, and wrote how my day went every day (at the end of the day) so there are going to be three days of michigan below this.
p.s. --I wrote alot
Saturday, July 31st 1:45 am (Michigan time)
We ended up leaving my house yesterday to come up here around 11:00 p.m. It was shitty ride up here, that’s for sure. 8 hours in the car really blows, especially when you have no one to talk to and nothing to do for the whole ride in the car. Yes, I guess I could have talked to my dad or Jason on the way up here but I didn’t. Jason was passed out and my dad isn’t really one to hold a conversation with. They came to pick me up around 10 something, and they had my other dog, (that lives with my dad) lady in the car. Since no one could take care of her at my dad’s place, we had to drop her off at bobby’s house. I guess he wanted to watch her. I didn’t even pack or bother packing before they got to my house, I didn’t think we were actually going to leave. Once my dad, Jason and lady all got to my house my dad was pretty steamin about the whole not packed issue. He yelled at me, and then continued to yell at me some more when I told him I was saying goodbye to all of my friends online. I don’t care; I didn’t even want to come here in the first place. It is nice seeing everyone, that it is... but it’s not worth it to me. Especially when it hasn’t even been half a year since I last saw them.
I usually see my family up here once ever 3-4 years, and seeing them like this and being forced to come up here like this just fucks all my shit up. Needless to say, before I left yesterday to come up here, I jammed with rouse, scottay n kessler and that was the most fun I have had in awhile. We dicked around the whole time, but dicking is fun. I’ve rigged so much shit up in my garage it hurts the back of my legs. Since I cannot figure out why the head on this half stack won’t work, we cannot play through it. Actually, we can! I unplugged the head off the cab and then threw the PA receiver on top of the cab. It’s got 4 different inputs for mics and for each input it has two different kinds of inputs. One input is like a chord input, the kind of chord that plugs into your guitar, and the other input is a mic input...the kind that most mics use. We’ve got 3 mics total. Two of them have the chord input that you would use for a guitar, and one of them doesn’t. Anyways, I hooked the mics through the PA so they would come out of the half stack, along with Bryans fucking bass. It was one of the smartest things I have done I think, ever. Not only that, but I hooked my computer up to the half stack through the PA receiver also. Frank to the max <--- fucking genius. I've got two PA speakers in my garage, but we don't have any chords that don't suck to plug them in. I play out of my crate 120, scottay sings and rouse plays out of the half stack, and when we get bored we just play music or whatever through the half stack out of my computer. Anyways, after everything was set up we just kicked ass and I must admit that kess and I flow pretty god damn well together. Right before rouse left, kess said something about how he wanted to know how we sounded and I remembered that I had a recorder on my computer with a built in mic. So, we decided to make a minute long breakdown and just fucking record it despite how shitty it would sound. After it recorded, we all listened to it and it didn't sound fucking bad at all. It sounded fucking rad. We decided that we were going to record it again, and remember what we played so we could make it sound better. We did that, and it did sound better. Alot fucking better then I thought it would. Then I remembered that I have a video editing software on here that can hold up to 3 separate audio tracks and I figured why the hell don't we just record each track by itself and then put it all together? So we did that and I put it all together and it fucking worked. For what we used to record n shit, it doesn't sound half bad. Only problem is, is that now we have to actually think of some music to put in front of that breakdown to make a song. After that, rouse left and then kess and I jammed in the garage straight for about a half hour while scott just sat n watched. He says we flow well, and I couldn't disagree. Somehow I can/he can read his mind/my mind, to the fucking max. Even down to the fucking snare fills...I duno how many times he's gonna hit it but some how I always palm mute it the same exact amount times. Sometimes it's fucking scary.
After the jam, they went home and then I was back into my house with nothing to do, waiting for my dad to pick me up so he could take me to Michigan. I talked to some people online, a few that I haven't talked to in awhile and that was nice. Jaye's out of summer school now, so I do not think she is grounded anymore? She's been under house arrest it seems like for fucking ever now. Her parents are strict about grades I guess, that's why. Once my dad picked me up and we got to my cousins house, I let him hear the little thing we recorded and he thought that it sounded badass. He said that he couldn't picture all of us making music; he couldn't picture ryan playing the drums, scott singing or even rouse playing a bass. He said it sounded too good for us, haha. His opinion means alot to me, and to think that I may finally be getting somewhere with music is so awesome. I hope this works out. When I fell asleep I had the weirdest dream. I dreamt that I was driving with him sitting in the passenger's seat, and we got rear ended really hard. I remember sitting at a stop light and hearing him say something and then when I looked over at him I saw his face go through the windshield. If that were ever to happen to him, I do not know what I'd do.
After I left his house, we made our way to burger king, and then we started our journey all the way to Michigan. I couldn't sleep, so I sat on my computer, messing around with the tracks I recorded until my battery went dead. Once that happened, I actually popped in some cradle of filth and listened to the whole CD. Their guitarists and drummer are so talented, it blew me away. I listened to all of Midian, and then I listened to endthisday. I listened to one song, over and over and over again. Coma External has got to be the most beautiful song ever written. When I was listening to it, I got really sad. I guess listening to soft music does that to me...I start thinking about things that would make me sad and it just works. The majority of the time I thought about Brandon, and how much I miss that kid. Too bad I never got to say goodbye. I will never be able to see him again. When I was listening to the song, I pictured me playing in a graveyard, sitting on his gravestone in the pouring rain. Gradually getting heavier, and more angry/sad that everyone treated him like shit and that I never got to say goodbye to him. I thought about the last time I saw him, and then I cried. If only I would have known.
I fell asleep 20 minutes before we got here which was roughly 7 a.m. I didn't go to sleep right away when we got inside and situated, I stayed awake and talked to my dad about non important shit for a good half hour. After that, my aunt woke up and came out into the living room and I went downstairs to go to sleep. I slept until 2:11 and I woke up to the sound of my overweight cousin staring at me. That kid scares me. I went upstairs to eat breakfast and I said hello to all my family that I saw not too long ago. My dad said I missed water skiing and to trow my bathing suit on, we were taking out the wave runners. I got ready and we took two wave runners out on the lake. The water was so cold, it was insane.
Alot of things go through your head when you are flying across the lake at 60 miles per hour. I kinda just took off and did my own thing once I got on it which was nice, I've never driven one and I didn't think they'd let me take it out by myself...I was wrong. It was almost a feeling of complete serenity. When I grow up, I am going to live on a lake and have one of those things.
After that awesome experience, I got dressed and threw on some nice comfy warm clothes because it was ass freezing outside. I love the weather up here. It's not hot during the day and it gets really cold at night. When I got dressed, I went and lie down on the hammock set up in the backyard. Yet another thing I am going to need when I get my own place on a lake. I guess today was just a day to myself. Not really talking but just thinking and feeling. I've got a feeling that this whole entire time here is going to be like that. Oh well, I'm due home by monday so I don't have too long of a wait. I miss my friends like crazy, and I miss music.
One weird observation that rouse made at my house was that bleeding through (one of my favorite bands) has a ryan, bryan and scott in it. weird.
well, I am done with this entry. I started at 1:45 and I am calling it quits at 2:50.
I miss everyone and I cannot wait to come home.
good morning journal.
--frank
Sunday, August 1st 12:30 a.m.
Today was shitty and I am fucking pissed off. I ended up going to the wedding reception today, and it was fucking shit. It wasn't even a party. The two families that are brand new to each other stayed away from each and barely even acknowledged the others existence. One stayed in this $1000.00 tent that Michelle (bride) bought for the reception, and the other family stayed in the garage. It was so fucking boring. The whole entire reason why I came up here, missed the dead to fall show was to go to this reception...and it was fucking pointless. There, that covers part of my day. I woke up today around 12:00ish to the sound of my annoying ass piece of shit (dad's) cousin, (little bitch fat ass mother fucker that feels like making my whole entire time here shit) flicking the lights on and off in the basement saying it was time to wake up. I swear I'm going to put that mother fucker on his ass if he pisses me off anymore. I don't care how old he is, he's fucking 155 pounds and I think he's a little 5th grader that has no respect for anyone. Today my great grandma asked him for a Kleenex and he grabbed the whole box and handed it to her asking her "what she needed it for?" Right there I wanted to grab him by his fucking throat and throw him through the fucking window. He and his mother treat her like shit, and I don't understand why. Whenever they need money, she always opens her wallet and gives them some. Whenever they need ANYTHING she is always willing to give it to them. I just don't understand it. Why are some people such dickheads? If this cody kid (little fat ass annoying piece of shit) was my age I would have beat the fuck out of him already. After I was woken up by that piece of shit I sat downstairs for 4 hours and played Mario 3. What I don't understand is that if the reception wasn't until 5:00, why the hell did it matter if I was awake by 12:00? Jesus fucking christ some people just piss me off to the max. Today at the reception since there wasn't a thing to do besides eat and well, eat...I pulled up a chair away from everyone on the other side of the house and just listened to nature, felt the cool summer breeze and smelled that awesome, woodsy forest smell that you can only smell in upper Michigan. It was such bullshit today, it was a waste of my summer day and yes I love hanging out with my family that I never see, but I wasn't even hanging out with them.
Since I've been up here I've been granted the privilege to think my ass off. That is one reason why I could never pull off living up here. It is so far away from civilization that I would go insane with thought. I do not enjoy the single life, at all. I've noticed two things, one being that I find myself checking everyone out that I've found appealing in the slightest ways, and that I miss having someone. I don't care who it even is anymore, I just want that "loved back" feeling...That security feeling that you get when you are with someone. Most of the time I've been thinking about past relationships, and how much I've missed them. What could have been done to save them and what might have been different if they were. Amanda, Kirztie, Abbey, Lindsey, 4 girls that I've felt hardcore feelings for and somehow let go to shit. I know kirztie is with a guy now that she is really happy with, which is good for her. Haven't talked to abbey in a very long time...and I see lindsey occasionally in town. Thinking about it now, I wish I was still a virgin so I didn't know what sex felt like. Knowing what it is sucks now because now that I know it feels so good, it's on my mind a hell of a lot more then it was when I had no clue what it felt like. I always picture what it would be like having sex with that person, or that person. No good...not at all. Very good things are always out of reach for me. I know that if I could have a chance with jaye that everything would be good...and we'd be able to pull through thick and thin. That's what I want, but it seems like an unrealistic goal that will never happen. At least I hope it will some day. Things with christina are good as they were before, haven't talked to here since I've left to come up here which really blows...but I know that as soon as I get back we will go on another date and she will let me taste her strawberry. mmm cannot wait.
That's pretty much it, other then the fact that I've been trying to gain weight to the max. I've never really noticed how skinny I was until a few weeks ago, and I think its super gross. I weighed myself today when I got back from the wedding and I saw that I was 159, one pound away from 160. I fucking stuffed my face at the reception, and I don't think I've ever been 160 so I stuffed my face some more. I drank two bottles of coke, at a pizza (that I folded in half like a taco) and then ate a banana. I jumped on the scale and I was 160 exactly, w00t!
I don't actually think I will gain enough weight in a short amount of time to show a change physically (well, besides my stomach wanting to explode) on how much I've gained, but I think it's more of a mentally secure thing then anything. That's one of the things that I really like about christina. She's not one of those anorexic/bulimic bitches that goes home and throws their food up, she's got nice weight to her and I think it's hot! Not only that, but it seems like it's really easy to make her laugh? Am I really that funny of a guy or am I just that retarded? Who knows, my journal isn't going to hop out and give me an answer. She says she wants me to be totally honest with her, and now I can't. I feel my honesty issue is what ended whatever I could have had with Ashley, when she told me to be completely honest with her in the first place. I didn't know that something so badass could end something due to its badassness. Christina seems/sounds so awesome, and I am getting good feelings/vibes towards her. We've talked alot about our past relationships, and she is exactly where I am it seems. She hasn't made the greatest choices either, and I think that's where we relate alot. She doesn't want to put herself at risk of getting hurt again, but she cannot go on without that feeling of security...knowing you have someone for whatever the reason.
My conclusion towards my past relationships has been summed up to bad decision making (on both parts) and letting stupid shit fall through without being solved. I've realized that the only way to get somewhere in life is to learn from your mistakes that you have made. Learn from them, and grow to be a better and strong person. I've learned something from each one that I've been in, and I think now is where I've enough knowledge to start something that I've wanted for a long time. I cannot really tell you what that is; it's only for me to know so I can achieve it by MYself. I hope I am starting on the right foot...
That sums it up for what I did today, I know not alot of people aren't going to read the whole thing but that's alright, it's supposed to be for my writing pleasure only. good morning journal, it is now 1:28.
--frank
p.s.- I really miss jammin with my friends.
Monday, August 2nd 12:39 am
Blah. That is all I have to say about today. The first time I woke up today, it was to my dad asking me if I would like to go with him and everyone (me, my dad, jason, cody, gma, gpa, leslie, rick, robin and frank) to the beach. I gladly declined that offer and went back to sleep. I woke up a few times in my sleep because I've been having really weird dreams, and then I went back to sleep.
In my dream that I was having today, I was sentenced to prison for ? many years (I don't know why) and had no chance of parole. I went to my jail cell, and was with a bunch of black guys. I could tell that none of them liked me. Once we got to have lunch, the lunch girl wrote something on my napkin and then gave it to me. I read it and it said something along the lines of "get more food in five minutes" or something like that. So I went up to the thing to get food and she opened this door that was near the end of where you get your food (?) and pulled me in. She gave me the most amazing kiss I think I would only dream of getting (I literally felt shocks and good shit being sent through my body) and she put her hand up my shirt on my chest. Remember, this is a dream and I have no idea why I dreamt it...it kinda just happened. After that happened she said something but I don't remember what it was and then I left. When I opened the door to go back out into the cafeteria I opened a door that led to a backyard, and that is all I remember.
Pretty weird shit, huh? I don't know what it all means but I really wish I could go find this girl (in a dream, OR real life) and kiss her again. I cannot even describe this feeling! I hate when you have dreams and someone that you have no idea exists is in your dream is there (for whatEVER the reason) and has such a major impact on you. What's weird is that I think that there is really someone on this earth that looks and possibly kisses exactly like her. There has to be. Maybe people dream about me? That's some weird shit right there. Anyways, I finally got out of bed because I had to piss to the max. After that I looked at the clock and it was 2:00 something and I decided it was time to rise and shine. I hoped on my computer and figured I'd listen to music and make a birthday list at the same time. I didn't really realize how close my birthday/school is! I wanna have a huge party on my birthday, but I don't really think it would work. I've got hardcore straightedge friends and I've got hardcore stoner friends and I know that would cause severe weird shit between both of them. Maybe I should have two parties? haha. I don't think that'd work. My birthday is on the 16th and I am going to be 17. I tried to think of what importance the age 17 will bring to my life and I could only think of one. Being 17 is the last age I get to enjoy having sex with people that are under the age of 18 before I go to jail. Now I've a reason to have sex with little girls, w00t w00t! haha. There really isn't much to do at my house for a party, so I don't know what I would do there. I think I just need a lame excuse to get alot of people over to my house so I can gather a large sum of money. I need to buy a new guitar this year, finally get one of my own. That's 450.00 dollars I need to save up! I should start saving. I remember I had a guitar saving fund that I started, but ended up forgetting that I was saving money for a purpose and probably blew it all of on drugs at the time or something. This year when I got the speeding ticket, I had a ticket raising fund at it was 90.00 fucking dollars! Funny thing is, is that I raised that much money from bumming it off of people at school in one week. Amazing how awesome/supportive your friends are! I should really start doing that alot more often. I think I'd get my ass kicked or something if I tried to pull that off.
On my birthday list it just says "money!" and that's it. After I made the list my dad came downstairs saying that him, steph, alex, cody, jason and gpa are all going tubing and that I should come with. I told him about the time I had at silver lake and how my ears didn't agree with me, so I wanted to stay home. Myself being such a dickhead in his eyes pissed him off and he ended up forcing me to at least get the hell out of this house and come on the boat...regardless to whether or not I'd tube. I trew on some shorts and my bloody sports car shirt and put some endthisday into the cd player and walked out to the boat. I got in, and we took off. The first person to go was my dad, and he didn't do that bad at all. After that was cody (fucker) and I laughed at him the whole time. Apparently, he's been pissing everyone else off just as much as he has been me and right after he put his life vest thing on my dad kicked his ass into the water. He was pissed, but it was too fucking funny. THEN, he couldn't get his fatass up into the tube so he had to swim back to the boat and get into the tube from the boat. Pfft, fucking pussy. While he was riding, my grandpa gunned it and he ate shit so hard and was crying so hard...I couldn't help but laugh in his face. After he went, steph and alex decided that they were going to try and fit both of themselves on the tube at the same time. It worked, and then it really didn't. It worked for the first 2 seconds they were riding...and then steph fell off. After they went, it was jason's turn and he kicked ass. Since everyone went and I was listening to endthisday, I figured why the hell not and I jumped in and took a turn. What sucked was, was that I forgot I had my labret pierced and when I caught some air my face slammed into the tube and it felt as if my bottom teeth were non-existent. I told them to stop, took it out and gave it to my dad, and continued to tube. It was fun, I had a good time...it was just soooo fucking tiring. I couldn't go longer then 7-8 minutes. After I ate shit I got in the boat and just watched everyone else. When I got back to the cottage I went inside to dry off and then grabbed a pillow and made my way out to the hammock with a coke/pillow in one hand, and endthisday in the other. Thanks scott, by the way. I lie down for quite a long time, and then decided it would be fun to take pictures. I whipped out the camera and started taking pictures of everything so everyone would know what I was talking about. I am not however, writing in my journal right now...I am writing in microsoft word. Once I get home I am going to just copy and paste this into my journal, and put the pictures of michigan I have taken in there also. While I was taking the pictures, my grandpa asked me if I'd like to take the jet ski's out again (man, I must pull of that miserable look pretty god damn well) and I told him of course. I took it out for a good 45 minutes and then came back. Once I got back, everyone was hungry and wanted to take the boat out to this place called "dream land." It was about them I realized that I haven't ate anything all day and that is probably why I am so fucking skinny. That and, me not smoking weed anymore isn't going to help me at all. The munchies kick ass. I dried off again, and then me, my dad, cody, robin, frank, jason, grandpa and rick all went to this place. Everything on the menu looked so fucking good, so I decided to order two meals. One was a 1 pound bacon double cheeseburger that came with fries and soup, and the other was "david's creation" which was chicken tenders with american cheese and marinara sauce on a bun. Like a sandwich. When the guy was bringing out my soup and the other peoples salad, he spilled the hot soup all over me. I was pissed, but I just didn't care. He said that he was sorry, and that was it. After everyone was done with their salad, he took the salad dressing and on his way back to the kitchen he spilled ranch all over me. Good thing I like ranch or else I would have kicked his ass. Other frank wasn't too happy about that. He yelled at the guy and then he walked away like a little bitch. Franks fucking rule. When the food came, I polished it off and then some. Then some being my dad's pickle that he didn't want to eat. We walked back to the boat, and then rick skied home with one water ski which was pretty impressive. Once home, I dumped the pictures I took earlier onto my computer, and then beat super mario 3 on nes. What I don't understand is that I can kick anyone's ass on halo, but then when it comes to the 2D games I lose it all. I don't suck at mario, I just think it's funny. I beat that, and then went upstairs and grabbed myself a coke along with two string cheese things. I love string cheese. Jason and I then beat rampage on nes, and soon thereafter went to bed. Jason went to bed, that is. Now I am here typing about how my vacation has been and that is just about it. Yesterday after I was done writing in my journal, I took two pictures of jaye and fucked around with them. I didn't know a picture could kinda freak me out, but I accomplished it. Now since I have nothing more to write about I think I am going to do that with some of the pictures I took today. I am leaving here around noon tomorrow, and I should be home around 8-9ish. I hope no one has plans tuesday, because I need to hang out with some people. Well, that is all and sorry if this is too much reading material for some of you to handle. If you don't want to read it, simply (screams into the microphone) SUCK MY DIIIIICK! --scott-ay style.
gmorning journal
--frank
p.s. --I wrote alot
Saturday, July 31st 1:45 am (Michigan time)
We ended up leaving my house yesterday to come up here around 11:00 p.m. It was shitty ride up here, that’s for sure. 8 hours in the car really blows, especially when you have no one to talk to and nothing to do for the whole ride in the car. Yes, I guess I could have talked to my dad or Jason on the way up here but I didn’t. Jason was passed out and my dad isn’t really one to hold a conversation with. They came to pick me up around 10 something, and they had my other dog, (that lives with my dad) lady in the car. Since no one could take care of her at my dad’s place, we had to drop her off at bobby’s house. I guess he wanted to watch her. I didn’t even pack or bother packing before they got to my house, I didn’t think we were actually going to leave. Once my dad, Jason and lady all got to my house my dad was pretty steamin about the whole not packed issue. He yelled at me, and then continued to yell at me some more when I told him I was saying goodbye to all of my friends online. I don’t care; I didn’t even want to come here in the first place. It is nice seeing everyone, that it is... but it’s not worth it to me. Especially when it hasn’t even been half a year since I last saw them.
I usually see my family up here once ever 3-4 years, and seeing them like this and being forced to come up here like this just fucks all my shit up. Needless to say, before I left yesterday to come up here, I jammed with rouse, scottay n kessler and that was the most fun I have had in awhile. We dicked around the whole time, but dicking is fun. I’ve rigged so much shit up in my garage it hurts the back of my legs. Since I cannot figure out why the head on this half stack won’t work, we cannot play through it. Actually, we can! I unplugged the head off the cab and then threw the PA receiver on top of the cab. It’s got 4 different inputs for mics and for each input it has two different kinds of inputs. One input is like a chord input, the kind of chord that plugs into your guitar, and the other input is a mic input...the kind that most mics use. We’ve got 3 mics total. Two of them have the chord input that you would use for a guitar, and one of them doesn’t. Anyways, I hooked the mics through the PA so they would come out of the half stack, along with Bryans fucking bass. It was one of the smartest things I have done I think, ever. Not only that, but I hooked my computer up to the half stack through the PA receiver also. Frank to the max <--- fucking genius. I've got two PA speakers in my garage, but we don't have any chords that don't suck to plug them in. I play out of my crate 120, scottay sings and rouse plays out of the half stack, and when we get bored we just play music or whatever through the half stack out of my computer. Anyways, after everything was set up we just kicked ass and I must admit that kess and I flow pretty god damn well together. Right before rouse left, kess said something about how he wanted to know how we sounded and I remembered that I had a recorder on my computer with a built in mic. So, we decided to make a minute long breakdown and just fucking record it despite how shitty it would sound. After it recorded, we all listened to it and it didn't sound fucking bad at all. It sounded fucking rad. We decided that we were going to record it again, and remember what we played so we could make it sound better. We did that, and it did sound better. Alot fucking better then I thought it would. Then I remembered that I have a video editing software on here that can hold up to 3 separate audio tracks and I figured why the hell don't we just record each track by itself and then put it all together? So we did that and I put it all together and it fucking worked. For what we used to record n shit, it doesn't sound half bad. Only problem is, is that now we have to actually think of some music to put in front of that breakdown to make a song. After that, rouse left and then kess and I jammed in the garage straight for about a half hour while scott just sat n watched. He says we flow well, and I couldn't disagree. Somehow I can/he can read his mind/my mind, to the fucking max. Even down to the fucking snare fills...I duno how many times he's gonna hit it but some how I always palm mute it the same exact amount times. Sometimes it's fucking scary.
After the jam, they went home and then I was back into my house with nothing to do, waiting for my dad to pick me up so he could take me to Michigan. I talked to some people online, a few that I haven't talked to in awhile and that was nice. Jaye's out of summer school now, so I do not think she is grounded anymore? She's been under house arrest it seems like for fucking ever now. Her parents are strict about grades I guess, that's why. Once my dad picked me up and we got to my cousins house, I let him hear the little thing we recorded and he thought that it sounded badass. He said that he couldn't picture all of us making music; he couldn't picture ryan playing the drums, scott singing or even rouse playing a bass. He said it sounded too good for us, haha. His opinion means alot to me, and to think that I may finally be getting somewhere with music is so awesome. I hope this works out. When I fell asleep I had the weirdest dream. I dreamt that I was driving with him sitting in the passenger's seat, and we got rear ended really hard. I remember sitting at a stop light and hearing him say something and then when I looked over at him I saw his face go through the windshield. If that were ever to happen to him, I do not know what I'd do.
After I left his house, we made our way to burger king, and then we started our journey all the way to Michigan. I couldn't sleep, so I sat on my computer, messing around with the tracks I recorded until my battery went dead. Once that happened, I actually popped in some cradle of filth and listened to the whole CD. Their guitarists and drummer are so talented, it blew me away. I listened to all of Midian, and then I listened to endthisday. I listened to one song, over and over and over again. Coma External has got to be the most beautiful song ever written. When I was listening to it, I got really sad. I guess listening to soft music does that to me...I start thinking about things that would make me sad and it just works. The majority of the time I thought about Brandon, and how much I miss that kid. Too bad I never got to say goodbye. I will never be able to see him again. When I was listening to the song, I pictured me playing in a graveyard, sitting on his gravestone in the pouring rain. Gradually getting heavier, and more angry/sad that everyone treated him like shit and that I never got to say goodbye to him. I thought about the last time I saw him, and then I cried. If only I would have known.
I fell asleep 20 minutes before we got here which was roughly 7 a.m. I didn't go to sleep right away when we got inside and situated, I stayed awake and talked to my dad about non important shit for a good half hour. After that, my aunt woke up and came out into the living room and I went downstairs to go to sleep. I slept until 2:11 and I woke up to the sound of my overweight cousin staring at me. That kid scares me. I went upstairs to eat breakfast and I said hello to all my family that I saw not too long ago. My dad said I missed water skiing and to trow my bathing suit on, we were taking out the wave runners. I got ready and we took two wave runners out on the lake. The water was so cold, it was insane.
Alot of things go through your head when you are flying across the lake at 60 miles per hour. I kinda just took off and did my own thing once I got on it which was nice, I've never driven one and I didn't think they'd let me take it out by myself...I was wrong. It was almost a feeling of complete serenity. When I grow up, I am going to live on a lake and have one of those things.
After that awesome experience, I got dressed and threw on some nice comfy warm clothes because it was ass freezing outside. I love the weather up here. It's not hot during the day and it gets really cold at night. When I got dressed, I went and lie down on the hammock set up in the backyard. Yet another thing I am going to need when I get my own place on a lake. I guess today was just a day to myself. Not really talking but just thinking and feeling. I've got a feeling that this whole entire time here is going to be like that. Oh well, I'm due home by monday so I don't have too long of a wait. I miss my friends like crazy, and I miss music.
One weird observation that rouse made at my house was that bleeding through (one of my favorite bands) has a ryan, bryan and scott in it. weird.
well, I am done with this entry. I started at 1:45 and I am calling it quits at 2:50.
I miss everyone and I cannot wait to come home.
good morning journal.
--frank
Sunday, August 1st 12:30 a.m.
Today was shitty and I am fucking pissed off. I ended up going to the wedding reception today, and it was fucking shit. It wasn't even a party. The two families that are brand new to each other stayed away from each and barely even acknowledged the others existence. One stayed in this $1000.00 tent that Michelle (bride) bought for the reception, and the other family stayed in the garage. It was so fucking boring. The whole entire reason why I came up here, missed the dead to fall show was to go to this reception...and it was fucking pointless. There, that covers part of my day. I woke up today around 12:00ish to the sound of my annoying ass piece of shit (dad's) cousin, (little bitch fat ass mother fucker that feels like making my whole entire time here shit) flicking the lights on and off in the basement saying it was time to wake up. I swear I'm going to put that mother fucker on his ass if he pisses me off anymore. I don't care how old he is, he's fucking 155 pounds and I think he's a little 5th grader that has no respect for anyone. Today my great grandma asked him for a Kleenex and he grabbed the whole box and handed it to her asking her "what she needed it for?" Right there I wanted to grab him by his fucking throat and throw him through the fucking window. He and his mother treat her like shit, and I don't understand why. Whenever they need money, she always opens her wallet and gives them some. Whenever they need ANYTHING she is always willing to give it to them. I just don't understand it. Why are some people such dickheads? If this cody kid (little fat ass annoying piece of shit) was my age I would have beat the fuck out of him already. After I was woken up by that piece of shit I sat downstairs for 4 hours and played Mario 3. What I don't understand is that if the reception wasn't until 5:00, why the hell did it matter if I was awake by 12:00? Jesus fucking christ some people just piss me off to the max. Today at the reception since there wasn't a thing to do besides eat and well, eat...I pulled up a chair away from everyone on the other side of the house and just listened to nature, felt the cool summer breeze and smelled that awesome, woodsy forest smell that you can only smell in upper Michigan. It was such bullshit today, it was a waste of my summer day and yes I love hanging out with my family that I never see, but I wasn't even hanging out with them.
Since I've been up here I've been granted the privilege to think my ass off. That is one reason why I could never pull off living up here. It is so far away from civilization that I would go insane with thought. I do not enjoy the single life, at all. I've noticed two things, one being that I find myself checking everyone out that I've found appealing in the slightest ways, and that I miss having someone. I don't care who it even is anymore, I just want that "loved back" feeling...That security feeling that you get when you are with someone. Most of the time I've been thinking about past relationships, and how much I've missed them. What could have been done to save them and what might have been different if they were. Amanda, Kirztie, Abbey, Lindsey, 4 girls that I've felt hardcore feelings for and somehow let go to shit. I know kirztie is with a guy now that she is really happy with, which is good for her. Haven't talked to abbey in a very long time...and I see lindsey occasionally in town. Thinking about it now, I wish I was still a virgin so I didn't know what sex felt like. Knowing what it is sucks now because now that I know it feels so good, it's on my mind a hell of a lot more then it was when I had no clue what it felt like. I always picture what it would be like having sex with that person, or that person. No good...not at all. Very good things are always out of reach for me. I know that if I could have a chance with jaye that everything would be good...and we'd be able to pull through thick and thin. That's what I want, but it seems like an unrealistic goal that will never happen. At least I hope it will some day. Things with christina are good as they were before, haven't talked to here since I've left to come up here which really blows...but I know that as soon as I get back we will go on another date and she will let me taste her strawberry. mmm cannot wait.
That's pretty much it, other then the fact that I've been trying to gain weight to the max. I've never really noticed how skinny I was until a few weeks ago, and I think its super gross. I weighed myself today when I got back from the wedding and I saw that I was 159, one pound away from 160. I fucking stuffed my face at the reception, and I don't think I've ever been 160 so I stuffed my face some more. I drank two bottles of coke, at a pizza (that I folded in half like a taco) and then ate a banana. I jumped on the scale and I was 160 exactly, w00t!
I don't actually think I will gain enough weight in a short amount of time to show a change physically (well, besides my stomach wanting to explode) on how much I've gained, but I think it's more of a mentally secure thing then anything. That's one of the things that I really like about christina. She's not one of those anorexic/bulimic bitches that goes home and throws their food up, she's got nice weight to her and I think it's hot! Not only that, but it seems like it's really easy to make her laugh? Am I really that funny of a guy or am I just that retarded? Who knows, my journal isn't going to hop out and give me an answer. She says she wants me to be totally honest with her, and now I can't. I feel my honesty issue is what ended whatever I could have had with Ashley, when she told me to be completely honest with her in the first place. I didn't know that something so badass could end something due to its badassness. Christina seems/sounds so awesome, and I am getting good feelings/vibes towards her. We've talked alot about our past relationships, and she is exactly where I am it seems. She hasn't made the greatest choices either, and I think that's where we relate alot. She doesn't want to put herself at risk of getting hurt again, but she cannot go on without that feeling of security...knowing you have someone for whatever the reason.
My conclusion towards my past relationships has been summed up to bad decision making (on both parts) and letting stupid shit fall through without being solved. I've realized that the only way to get somewhere in life is to learn from your mistakes that you have made. Learn from them, and grow to be a better and strong person. I've learned something from each one that I've been in, and I think now is where I've enough knowledge to start something that I've wanted for a long time. I cannot really tell you what that is; it's only for me to know so I can achieve it by MYself. I hope I am starting on the right foot...
That sums it up for what I did today, I know not alot of people aren't going to read the whole thing but that's alright, it's supposed to be for my writing pleasure only. good morning journal, it is now 1:28.
--frank
p.s.- I really miss jammin with my friends.
Monday, August 2nd 12:39 am
Blah. That is all I have to say about today. The first time I woke up today, it was to my dad asking me if I would like to go with him and everyone (me, my dad, jason, cody, gma, gpa, leslie, rick, robin and frank) to the beach. I gladly declined that offer and went back to sleep. I woke up a few times in my sleep because I've been having really weird dreams, and then I went back to sleep.
In my dream that I was having today, I was sentenced to prison for ? many years (I don't know why) and had no chance of parole. I went to my jail cell, and was with a bunch of black guys. I could tell that none of them liked me. Once we got to have lunch, the lunch girl wrote something on my napkin and then gave it to me. I read it and it said something along the lines of "get more food in five minutes" or something like that. So I went up to the thing to get food and she opened this door that was near the end of where you get your food (?) and pulled me in. She gave me the most amazing kiss I think I would only dream of getting (I literally felt shocks and good shit being sent through my body) and she put her hand up my shirt on my chest. Remember, this is a dream and I have no idea why I dreamt it...it kinda just happened. After that happened she said something but I don't remember what it was and then I left. When I opened the door to go back out into the cafeteria I opened a door that led to a backyard, and that is all I remember.
Pretty weird shit, huh? I don't know what it all means but I really wish I could go find this girl (in a dream, OR real life) and kiss her again. I cannot even describe this feeling! I hate when you have dreams and someone that you have no idea exists is in your dream is there (for whatEVER the reason) and has such a major impact on you. What's weird is that I think that there is really someone on this earth that looks and possibly kisses exactly like her. There has to be. Maybe people dream about me? That's some weird shit right there. Anyways, I finally got out of bed because I had to piss to the max. After that I looked at the clock and it was 2:00 something and I decided it was time to rise and shine. I hoped on my computer and figured I'd listen to music and make a birthday list at the same time. I didn't really realize how close my birthday/school is! I wanna have a huge party on my birthday, but I don't really think it would work. I've got hardcore straightedge friends and I've got hardcore stoner friends and I know that would cause severe weird shit between both of them. Maybe I should have two parties? haha. I don't think that'd work. My birthday is on the 16th and I am going to be 17. I tried to think of what importance the age 17 will bring to my life and I could only think of one. Being 17 is the last age I get to enjoy having sex with people that are under the age of 18 before I go to jail. Now I've a reason to have sex with little girls, w00t w00t! haha. There really isn't much to do at my house for a party, so I don't know what I would do there. I think I just need a lame excuse to get alot of people over to my house so I can gather a large sum of money. I need to buy a new guitar this year, finally get one of my own. That's 450.00 dollars I need to save up! I should start saving. I remember I had a guitar saving fund that I started, but ended up forgetting that I was saving money for a purpose and probably blew it all of on drugs at the time or something. This year when I got the speeding ticket, I had a ticket raising fund at it was 90.00 fucking dollars! Funny thing is, is that I raised that much money from bumming it off of people at school in one week. Amazing how awesome/supportive your friends are! I should really start doing that alot more often. I think I'd get my ass kicked or something if I tried to pull that off.
On my birthday list it just says "money!" and that's it. After I made the list my dad came downstairs saying that him, steph, alex, cody, jason and gpa are all going tubing and that I should come with. I told him about the time I had at silver lake and how my ears didn't agree with me, so I wanted to stay home. Myself being such a dickhead in his eyes pissed him off and he ended up forcing me to at least get the hell out of this house and come on the boat...regardless to whether or not I'd tube. I trew on some shorts and my bloody sports car shirt and put some endthisday into the cd player and walked out to the boat. I got in, and we took off. The first person to go was my dad, and he didn't do that bad at all. After that was cody (fucker) and I laughed at him the whole time. Apparently, he's been pissing everyone else off just as much as he has been me and right after he put his life vest thing on my dad kicked his ass into the water. He was pissed, but it was too fucking funny. THEN, he couldn't get his fatass up into the tube so he had to swim back to the boat and get into the tube from the boat. Pfft, fucking pussy. While he was riding, my grandpa gunned it and he ate shit so hard and was crying so hard...I couldn't help but laugh in his face. After he went, steph and alex decided that they were going to try and fit both of themselves on the tube at the same time. It worked, and then it really didn't. It worked for the first 2 seconds they were riding...and then steph fell off. After they went, it was jason's turn and he kicked ass. Since everyone went and I was listening to endthisday, I figured why the hell not and I jumped in and took a turn. What sucked was, was that I forgot I had my labret pierced and when I caught some air my face slammed into the tube and it felt as if my bottom teeth were non-existent. I told them to stop, took it out and gave it to my dad, and continued to tube. It was fun, I had a good time...it was just soooo fucking tiring. I couldn't go longer then 7-8 minutes. After I ate shit I got in the boat and just watched everyone else. When I got back to the cottage I went inside to dry off and then grabbed a pillow and made my way out to the hammock with a coke/pillow in one hand, and endthisday in the other. Thanks scott, by the way. I lie down for quite a long time, and then decided it would be fun to take pictures. I whipped out the camera and started taking pictures of everything so everyone would know what I was talking about. I am not however, writing in my journal right now...I am writing in microsoft word. Once I get home I am going to just copy and paste this into my journal, and put the pictures of michigan I have taken in there also. While I was taking the pictures, my grandpa asked me if I'd like to take the jet ski's out again (man, I must pull of that miserable look pretty god damn well) and I told him of course. I took it out for a good 45 minutes and then came back. Once I got back, everyone was hungry and wanted to take the boat out to this place called "dream land." It was about them I realized that I haven't ate anything all day and that is probably why I am so fucking skinny. That and, me not smoking weed anymore isn't going to help me at all. The munchies kick ass. I dried off again, and then me, my dad, cody, robin, frank, jason, grandpa and rick all went to this place. Everything on the menu looked so fucking good, so I decided to order two meals. One was a 1 pound bacon double cheeseburger that came with fries and soup, and the other was "david's creation" which was chicken tenders with american cheese and marinara sauce on a bun. Like a sandwich. When the guy was bringing out my soup and the other peoples salad, he spilled the hot soup all over me. I was pissed, but I just didn't care. He said that he was sorry, and that was it. After everyone was done with their salad, he took the salad dressing and on his way back to the kitchen he spilled ranch all over me. Good thing I like ranch or else I would have kicked his ass. Other frank wasn't too happy about that. He yelled at the guy and then he walked away like a little bitch. Franks fucking rule. When the food came, I polished it off and then some. Then some being my dad's pickle that he didn't want to eat. We walked back to the boat, and then rick skied home with one water ski which was pretty impressive. Once home, I dumped the pictures I took earlier onto my computer, and then beat super mario 3 on nes. What I don't understand is that I can kick anyone's ass on halo, but then when it comes to the 2D games I lose it all. I don't suck at mario, I just think it's funny. I beat that, and then went upstairs and grabbed myself a coke along with two string cheese things. I love string cheese. Jason and I then beat rampage on nes, and soon thereafter went to bed. Jason went to bed, that is. Now I am here typing about how my vacation has been and that is just about it. Yesterday after I was done writing in my journal, I took two pictures of jaye and fucked around with them. I didn't know a picture could kinda freak me out, but I accomplished it. Now since I have nothing more to write about I think I am going to do that with some of the pictures I took today. I am leaving here around noon tomorrow, and I should be home around 8-9ish. I hope no one has plans tuesday, because I need to hang out with some people. Well, that is all and sorry if this is too much reading material for some of you to handle. If you don't want to read it, simply (screams into the microphone) SUCK MY DIIIIICK! --scott-ay style.
gmorning journal
--frank