Concern About My Free Summer
This is the first summer that I am not down at Camp Manito. Since I was nine years old, I have spent my summers down in River Road Park swimming, running, changing kids, working, overloading with stress. It is almost strange to have every day unplanned, to have hours available for whatever I choose to pursue. I say almost because I'm doing the same things I did over breaks during the academic year. What I've noticed is that instead of throwing myself into songwriting, practicing accordion or fixing up the house, I've deluded myself into thinking that my slow approach to productivity will result in something great.
What I have done almost every day is wake up around 11, have breakfast and make my bed. Going over to the computer, I edit some pictures from Ireland -- but only about five a day -- and delete a few e-mails. My inbox is still quite full and I've got more than 800 photos to edit before I'm done. Then I read one or two chapters from a book before returning to my room. I contemplate doing one or two of the things on my to-do list before playing video games. I always make sure I return to the to-do list, but the things I assign myself are minimal. I have to write a draft of a letter, record my guitar part, go to the bank. If I really wanted to have something to show with my days, I would throw myself into something and get it finished.
Perhaps there is nothing wrong with fulfilling my plans in small steps. As long as the steps are substantial enough for me to reach my goal without an inordinate amount of time passing, it makes sense to approach my very large goals in increments. But I find that I'm deluding myself into thinking I've accomplished something when nothing has really been done. I'm simply going through my days without really living.
Perhaps it would be best if I had a job for the summer. When I would return home, I would devote myself to the things I know I should be doing, like recording and preparing things for the fall at the radio station. But then I think perhaps I would not be doing those things but instead would be playing video games all night. I mean, that's what I want to do now while I have plenty of time.
I just don't want to turn fifty and look back on the past forty years as a waste, a loss. There is so much time for us and if we're not doing what we want to do, it's a waste. But if we're not using it to accomplish all we're capable of, it's a waste as well. But what should we be doing? Is it really a waste to level up my Pokemon? Is it really such an accomplishment to write about my thoughts and feelings and post them to the internet? Is the recording of my songs something of merit? Maybe I don't need to make a decision about these things but instead should approach each of my days with the idea that I'm going to do something of worth. Whatever I do will be worthwhile because it's what I want to do.
-Paul
What I have done almost every day is wake up around 11, have breakfast and make my bed. Going over to the computer, I edit some pictures from Ireland -- but only about five a day -- and delete a few e-mails. My inbox is still quite full and I've got more than 800 photos to edit before I'm done. Then I read one or two chapters from a book before returning to my room. I contemplate doing one or two of the things on my to-do list before playing video games. I always make sure I return to the to-do list, but the things I assign myself are minimal. I have to write a draft of a letter, record my guitar part, go to the bank. If I really wanted to have something to show with my days, I would throw myself into something and get it finished.
Perhaps there is nothing wrong with fulfilling my plans in small steps. As long as the steps are substantial enough for me to reach my goal without an inordinate amount of time passing, it makes sense to approach my very large goals in increments. But I find that I'm deluding myself into thinking I've accomplished something when nothing has really been done. I'm simply going through my days without really living.
Perhaps it would be best if I had a job for the summer. When I would return home, I would devote myself to the things I know I should be doing, like recording and preparing things for the fall at the radio station. But then I think perhaps I would not be doing those things but instead would be playing video games all night. I mean, that's what I want to do now while I have plenty of time.
I just don't want to turn fifty and look back on the past forty years as a waste, a loss. There is so much time for us and if we're not doing what we want to do, it's a waste. But if we're not using it to accomplish all we're capable of, it's a waste as well. But what should we be doing? Is it really a waste to level up my Pokemon? Is it really such an accomplishment to write about my thoughts and feelings and post them to the internet? Is the recording of my songs something of merit? Maybe I don't need to make a decision about these things but instead should approach each of my days with the idea that I'm going to do something of worth. Whatever I do will be worthwhile because it's what I want to do.
-Paul